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Dear Prudie: Responsible for my ex's child.
Ex-Husband’s Nervy Request: My marriage broke up three years ago when I discovered my husband had been cheating on me and the woman he was seeing was pregnant. We divorced, they married, and I moved on. I’m now dating a wonderful man and share custody of my 6-year-old son with my ex-husband, “Joe.” Since I consider them both to be dishonorable and immoral people, I have as little to do with them as possible, but I am cordial for my son’s sake. Joe and his wife recently had a second child who apparently has some serious health problems. They’re spending a lot of time at the hospital, and Joe asked me if I could watch their daughter since I live close by and she would be with her brother. I categorically refused since I cannot believe they had the nerve to even ask me. Still, Joe has repeated the request several times. I know they don’t have much family nearby and it’s a difficult time for them, but I fail to see how that is my problem. My best friend supports me, saying I’d be the world’s biggest sucker to relent, but my sister has been guilting me about this since it came up at our book club last week. Am I being “vindictive” as my sister says, or am I simply standing up for myself and refusing to play the fool (again!) for these two?
A: I have a friend who was in a similar situation (minus the sick child). Her husband left her shortly after her second baby was born to marry the young woman he had impregnated. My friend then went on to treat this new child wholly as her children’s sibling. All of the kids were constantly in and out of each other’s homes. I talked to her once about this—in awe—and she said that whatever her ex had done, the children were innocent and she wanted her kids to think of themselves as part of an extended family. Her children are now college age, and her compassion and generosity has paid off in the beautiful, loving, open relationship she has with them. They must be so grateful they never had to walk across the land mines of their parents’ enmity. Your son has two new half-siblings. One is ill. Yes, your ex and his wife behaved abominably; the children didn’t. You are perfectly entitled to tell Joe this is his mess, and he needs to deal with it. But if you embrace your son’s sister, you will not only be helping out a hurting little girl but will be teaching your son priceless lessons in magnanimity and transcending pain.
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However, the LW sounds like she's barely able to deal with her ex, and her ex's kid doesn't deserve to suffer for their dad's previous terrible behavior. I think this is a situation where an honest "no" is a completely appropriate response.
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OTOH, the LW has a valid reason to resent the parents (if not the child), and if she doesn't feel up to keeping that compartmentalized, she probably shouldn't do it.
I'd be interested to see what the brother thinks of this. Even at six, he might have some relevant feelings.
It goes without saying that LW is not obligated to do this, but I think she has a chance to model compassion and forgiveness to her son. That seems like a pretty good thing.
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I would look after the child, but that's because by and large I would look after the child of just about anyone I know who couldn't easily afford other childcare options in similar circumstances.
But gods above and below let me tell you there would be RULES, contributions to stuff like groceries, hard boundaries around me having to deal with ex and his wife, and gods and demons help him if he owes me child support or anything else.
It's certainly nothing she owes her ex. And if he has the financial resources to set something else up then he is SO out of line asking. But.
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A. I actually think Prudie's answer is facile bullshit where "compassion" is once again being demanded of someone who has been treated horribly for the people who treated her horribly. It's smug and obnoxious. Having someone cheat on you to the point of having a child with the other woman can be utterly devastating, so the level of imposition in even asking her to do this once, from the ex, is mind-boggling. It's not even like this is the only way LW can in-general support her son having a relationship with his half-sister: there's a huge damn difference between, for instance, a playdate set up for when convenient for the mother's life, vs being asked to take parental and familial responsibility for the child of people who fucked her life over.
I think there is a huge, huge cultural meme of requiring women to be The Bigger Person in stuff like this, and that it's hugely BS.
a. If the ex is capable of paying for childcare or finding another minder (she says they don't have "a lot" of family in the area, but not that they have none), then he is so fucking out of line I can't even conceive of it.
aa. The child is three years old: that is a massive addition of work, stress, time and emotional investment. Taking care of three year olds is fuck-off hard, man, I just finished doing it for a day, and I get paid. That would be a big request of family that you were on good terms with; again, unless she is literally the only option, it's out of line to even ask the first time, let alone many times since.
ab. LW does not detail much about her life, which makes it impossible to measure how much taking in this three year old would complicate it. But a six year old and a three year old are not really compatible in terms of activities, attention spans and needs; it's one thing to juggle that when the child is yours (and that's still hard work).
ac. If she really is their last choice beyond just taking the kid to the hospital with them . . . like I said in the first comment, I'd look after the kid, but boundaries would be hardcore and hardline: I am looking after the child, because I think it's better she be with me than in the waiting room; I am not doing her parents a favour. And if she's staying over meals, her parents are contributing to grocery bills unless it's going to, like, bankrupt them. Etc.
B. LW clearly still harbours a lot of anger and resentment towards Ex and Ex's-Affair, despite saying she's "moved on". She also has every possible right to. However, given that the child is the literal embodiment of the destruction of her marriage and life up to that point, I immediately wonder if she's capable of being absolutely sure that none of that will filter through into her interactions with this child. This is one of those areas where our cultural memes (especially for women) insist that we "should" because innocence blah blah blah, but the reality is: emotions don't work like that, and again, this lady is not actually obligated to embark on a whole new course of therapy for someone else's kid.
b. If she can't actually say, with confidence, that she can totally separate the resentment towards the parents from the child, then I don't think she should ever, ever care for this child if she can possibly avoid it, and that bluntly the child will be better off playing iPhone games in the waiting room at the hospital than at her half-brother's mom's house.
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Apart from that I entirely agree with you.
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Someone is clearly taking care of the child now. I have a strong suspicion that the ex has asked "several times" because the current arrangement is either inconvenient or becoming too expensive and he's expecting the letter writer to put her life and needs aside, give him what he wants and make his life easier.That's probably how he treated her throughout their marriage.
Prudie's "teaching your son priceless lessons in magnanimity and transcending pain" is just absolute garbage. To be magnanimous inherently involves forgiveness, and despite common recent narratives, giving unearned and forgiveness isn't a virtue. It wouldn't teach her son how real forgiveness works, it's not one-sided, but involves apology, repentence and/or rectifying the harm done. The ex's behavior in this situation and the description of him and his wife as dishonorable and immoral doesn't suggest that apology, repentence or rectification have happened. Teaching her son to forgive people and do unearned favors for them when they're still being harmful would be teaching him to be a doormat that people take advantage of.
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Yes! It would be modeling so many wrong things for the son I literally shudder to think about it.
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But the huffy "they're immoral and dishonorable" thing is so off-putting and she just sounds really terrible herself.
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Because this is starting to look like everyone has decided that LW is the one who will sacrifice to meet their needs.
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