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agonyaunt2020-05-28 12:15 pm
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2020-05-28 12:15 pm
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Dear Prudence: My Granddaughter Won’t Invite My Best Friend to Her Wedding
My granddaughter “Riley” is getting married late next year. She’s currently putting together her guest list (I heard this through the grapevine) and is not planning on inviting my childhood best friend, “Greta.” Greta has been overwhelmingly kind to Riley for over 30 years. She sends Riley checks for every birthday, takes Riley to dinner whenever she’s in town, and generally plays a grandmotherly role in Riley’s life. I hadn’t heard of any conflict between the two of them. But it appears that Riley has forgotten all of this as she builds the guest list. She and her fiancé are getting financial assistance from my son for the wedding. It seems cruel to not include Greta when it’s not even Riley’s own money! I’m thinking of putting my foot down and saying I won’t attend if Greta doesn’t attend either. Greta’s been mercifully quiet about this, but I can tell she’s heartbroken. I would be too. What’s a grandmother to do?
—Penny-Pinching Granddaughter
Threatening not to attend your granddaughter’s wedding on the strength of something you heard through the grapevine without having a single conversation with her is likely going to backfire. I understand that you love Greta and that she’s been a member of the family for decades, but you don’t know that Riley has definitively kept Greta off the guest list or whether she just forgot your friend. You don’t know how much financial assistance your son is putting in, what Riley’s total budget is, or if the couple merely wants to keep the guest list small. You also don’t know how many other people are making guest-list requests, and your granddaughter has not only her own relatives and friends to consider, but that of her partner’s.
Rather than approaching Riley with a demand or an ultimatum, you should frame it instead as a request: “I don’t know what your budget or guest limit looks like, and I don’t want to impose, but if you’re able to make room for her, it would mean a lot to us both if you’d invite Greta.” I hope you can try to look at this not as an act of spiteful exclusion. It would be great if Riley could invite her grandmother’s best friend to her wedding, but it may not be possible. And if she can’t, it’s not an irrevocable slap in the face. Riley and Greta can still go out to dinner, catch up on the phone, and stay in each other’s lives.
—Penny-Pinching Granddaughter
Threatening not to attend your granddaughter’s wedding on the strength of something you heard through the grapevine without having a single conversation with her is likely going to backfire. I understand that you love Greta and that she’s been a member of the family for decades, but you don’t know that Riley has definitively kept Greta off the guest list or whether she just forgot your friend. You don’t know how much financial assistance your son is putting in, what Riley’s total budget is, or if the couple merely wants to keep the guest list small. You also don’t know how many other people are making guest-list requests, and your granddaughter has not only her own relatives and friends to consider, but that of her partner’s.
Rather than approaching Riley with a demand or an ultimatum, you should frame it instead as a request: “I don’t know what your budget or guest limit looks like, and I don’t want to impose, but if you’re able to make room for her, it would mean a lot to us both if you’d invite Greta.” I hope you can try to look at this not as an act of spiteful exclusion. It would be great if Riley could invite her grandmother’s best friend to her wedding, but it may not be possible. And if she can’t, it’s not an irrevocable slap in the face. Riley and Greta can still go out to dinner, catch up on the phone, and stay in each other’s lives.
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