Dear Abby: My Parents Have Cameras Around The House and Didn't Tell Me

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 19-year-old woman in college who still lives with my parents. I found out something several weeks ago that's bothering me, and I need advice badly.

Years ago, after a robbery, my parents installed security cameras outside our house. I knew about them because they were visible. But apparently some were installed that I knew nothing about.

I have done things while alone to help control certain feelings, and I have also walked around without much on when my parents were away and never thought anything about it. Ever since I found out, I have been freaking out.

I don't want to make a big deal about it because I'm afraid if my parents didn't look at anything before, then they will now. I want to know if they have seen what I was doing. Part of me says to ignore this because they're family -- so who cares. My parents have never said anything about seeing me.

We're Catholics, and I have heard the lecture about avoiding self-gratification ever since I can remember. I'm very careful about what I do now, but I am still bothered. Should I just forget and move on, or should I ask? -- POSSIBLY PARANOID

DEAR POSSIBLY PARANOID: If your parents had been viewing the security footage and felt you were doing something wrong, you would have heard about it from them by now. What you need to know is that masturbation is normal. It is not depraved, a crime or harmful to your health. All normal boys and girls (and some adults, too) practice this natural type of sexual gratification. (If it makes you feel guilty because you have been told it's "wrong," then stop doing it.) Now, forget about it and move on.

Comments

[havocthecat]

...they have security cameras installed inside the house and did not tell their child/children where those security cameras where and this person should just "forget about it and move on" when nudity and possible sexual acts were happening? Seriously? Seriously?

This is actually a gross violation of privacy and is creepy and disgusting.

I wish I could articulate more how I feel that this is bad and wrong, but I'm kind of stuck on, "Ew. Get a room in the dorms if you can."

[cereta]

Thank you for articulating this. I couldn't get past, "...EW" to make a cogent point (plus this is another one where I had an experience just similar enough to make me see red). EVERYONE deserves to feel comfortable in their own home, and that includes children. It's one thing to have a baby cam. It's another to NOT TELL your teenage child that there are cameras in the house.

[havocthecat]

You're welcome! I didn't feel particularly articulate, so I'm glad someone thought I was! A baby cam is one thing, but teenagers are another - especially teens who, so far as we are able to ascertain, have no problems and do not need extra checking up on.

I do like the suggestion further below that the LW find a way to jam the cameras. I wonder if there's easily purchased or acquired tech for that?

[redbird]

My advice would be closer to "remove the cameras in your bedroom and any bathrooms, without saying anything, and work on moving out." (If the parents' motives are as pure as Abby seems to think, they won't comment and might not notice if the letter writer moves a camera from her(?) bedroom to a closed shoebox in the back of the closet.)

I would add "If one of your parents says something to you about this, call the other one immediately and include them in the conversation." That could be be "just a moment...Mom! Why do you and Dad need to be able to watch me in the shower?" or "I'd rather talk about this with Mom/Dad here" if the other parent isn't in the next room.

I'm not sure whether, if doing that seems iffy for any reason, the letter writer should go straight to moving out as soon as possible, or whether they should make a point of asking both parents about the cameras at the same time. Because the "that feels hinky" has the possibility that one parent talked the other into having bedroom or bathroom cameras and not telling their child about it. In that case, there might be one reasonable "it seemed like a good idea when you were ten, of course we'll take them out if you like" and one blustery "what are you trying to hide?"

[recessional]

I agree with this comment.

[greenygal]

I am also stuck on "Ew" where the cameras are concerned, but I feel the need to add that "masturbation is totally normal and fine and everyone does it, but if you feel guilty about it because you've been told it's wrong, don't do it" is...possibly not the most coherent advice one could give.

[minoanmiss]

My thoughts as well.

[nonethefewer]

No no no no no kill it all with fire omg wtf no. Nope nope nope. Move out, flip off the cameras constantly, get some sort of camera jammer, leave the country.

(My suggestions: not very useful.)

[eleanorjane]

Oh my god, that's the most horrifyingly glib answer ever.

For starters, the "well stop masturbating if it makes you feel guilty because your parents have instilled their opinions in you" which is really unhelpful for a 19-year-old - who should be advised to develop her own opinions about what is and isn't healthy sexual behaviour. Telling her that feeling guilty is fine and she shoudl stop the behaviour not the guilt is such a brush-off.

And the camera issue - just "forget about it and move on"? Move out, more like. Even if the cameras have been there for a decade and the parents just forgot about them, just passively accepting the situation isn't something LW should have to do.

Grr. Abby really did just phone this one in, didn't she?

[vass]

*paraphrases the letter*

"Dear Abby, I just found out that my parents have video footage of a minor child masturbating, specifically me. They installed the cameras in secret, under the pretext that they needed it to catch burglars. I am now a legal adult, but still somewhat financially dependent on them. The statute of limitations hasn't run out yet. I'm not 100% sure they did it on purpose, or that they even know they have child pornography starring me, but I don't trust them to just delete the footage if I ask them to. I think it's likely that they will just blame me for having masturbated, or tell me I don't have a right to privacy because they're related to me, rather than accept culpability for videoing me without my knowledge. I don't know how much footage there is, who has it, who has seen it, or whether my father watched it then shared it with all his friends who then uploaded it onto the internet. I don't want to get my parents charged with a crime if they didn't mean to do it, but I don't trust them any more, and I'm scared and confused and really upset, and again, still living in this house with the cameras. How do I handle this situation? -- POSSIBLY PARANOID"

*paraphrases Abby's response*

"Dear POSSIBLY PARANOID: don't worry, all healthy children masturbate, and even some adults do. It's completely normal. If you feel bad about it, just don't do it. Now forget all about how your parents have you on video doing it. After all, they didn't get you in trouble for masturbating, so you shouldn't be alarmed that they are possibly inadvertent, possibly entirely deliberate, sex offenders."

Like, I get that parents sometimes have hinky photos/video for innocent reasons. I get that the parents did not necessarily intend to become child pornographers, but what they did was QUITE bad enough even if that wasn't their intent, which we do not know it wasn't.

[torachan]

Seriously. I am just boggling that that is what she chose to focus on in her reponse.

[abbylee]

Yes, THIS. I think it's entirely possible that the parents don't have cameras in bedrooms and bathrooms, and might not think of the ramifications. I think it's ALSO entirely possible that people might do or wear things in family rooms when they think they're alone that shouldn't be videotaped. Hanging out in your underwear or putting your hand in your pants should not have a secret consequence.

[minoanmiss]

All the agreement.