Dear Prudence: I'm uncomfortable with my boyfriend's level of intimacy with his coworkers.

[minoanmiss]

Dear Prudence,
My long-term boyfriend works as a professional film crew member with long hours and an unpredictable schedule. I’m uncomfortable with the level of intimacy that crew members develop with each other on long shoots. Two years ago, one of his co-workers frequently Snapchatted him and posted flirtatious status updates on social media. He insisted nothing was going on, and we had a huge argument. More recently, we went through a rough patch while he was away for six months. I caught him deleting text messages he was sending to another woman. He says that he was just asking for relationship advice and he only deleted them because I fly off the handle whenever he talks to any other woman. He claimed he also asked a male co-worker the same questions. I don’t think it’s appropriate for him to have very close friendships with women, but I also don’t like him confiding in random male co-workers about our relationship. I have a jealous streak and acknowledge this may not be a healthy attitude. However, it’s not uncommon for crew people to hook up with each other, and I’m afraid I won’t be able to tell if he’s cheating on me due to his erratic schedule. He feels that I am too domineering. How can I be understanding but also establish healthy boundaries? We’ve discussed counseling but haven’t gone yet.

—Infidelity Anxiety

Your problem is a serious one but not insurmountable (the main problem being your jealousy and attempts at surveillance, not your boyfriend’s relationship with his co-workers). You say that it’s not uncommon for “crew people” to hook up on shoots, but your boyfriend isn’t “crew people.” He’s your boyfriend. And he’s never cheated on you, but you seem to be treating him as if it’s only a matter of time until he does. If you think he shouldn’t have close friendships with women or develop deeper friendships with his male co-workers (who are not “random”), you’re not leaving him very many outlets outside of your relationship. Add to that the fact that you periodically turn your relationship into an inquisition whenever he goes on location, and you’re creating a paranoid and unpleasant environment for the both of you.

It may be that your jealous nature and his inconsistent work schedule are truly incompatible, but if your relationship is otherwise good, follow through on your discussions about counseling and go together to develop saner strategies for dealing with jealousy and making each other feel secure. There may be reasonable things he can do to reassure you, but you have at least as much to gain by corralling your own dark thoughts—surely you can’t enjoy being constantly tormented and beset by doubts.

Comments

[minoanmiss]

Dear LW's boyfriend: RUN. Jealousy is not a compliment, it is a gigantic waving red flag.

[redbird]

At best, as (I think) kiya used to say on alt.polyamory, it's a sign of a problem: it might be a red flag, or a manifestation of something like the jealous person = feeling neglected. In this case, LW might not be someone who can be happy whose partner will be unavailable for chunks of time that can't be predicted very far in advance. (Which still would mean they should break up, but maybe not "RUN!")

[cereta]

LW: You are not ready to be in a relationship, period. You need to work on yourself for a while. Do your boyfriend a favor and end this relationship, and don't start another until you've done whatever it is you need to do to handle not being the literal only person in your significant other's life.

[mommy]

I don’t think it’s appropriate for him to have very close friendships with women

That's a giant red flag for the same reason it's a red flag for a man to be opposed to his girlfriend having close friendships with men. Friendship is not limited by gender.

OP, please find a suitable therapist and get help with your jealousy issues. It may be worth your while to break up with your boyfriend in the meantime so that you don't continue to act out against him for having friends. I hope you get the help you need.

[cynthia1960]

+1000

[julian]

Like. The OP needs to do work on herself, but otoh, some of her attitudes are reasonable expectations -- *if* they're shared with their partner. Which they're clearly not.

Pru, meanwhile, is very blamey
Que?

[heavenscalyx]

I was pretty much on the "oh, boyfriend is manipulating and lying to LW" (because I experienced EXACTLY this kind of hypervigilance, jealousy, and monitoring behavior -- often while dissociating wildly -- with an abusive ex who spent a lot of time gaslighting me about perceiving all the clear signs of his cheating that he left lying around the house) front until she used the line about close friendships with women being inappropriate and followed up with not wanting him to talk about their relationship to outside people. Then I was just like, no, this relationship needs to end, but possibly for other reasons.

[azurelunatic]

She sounds a certain amount like my partner's ex, the one who controlled the relationship directly into a divorce-equivalant.

[ayebydan]

You're treating your boyfriend horrendously. shame on you. Let him go and find better tbh

[purlewe]

I'd say personal counselling is necessary even before couples counselling. She has to work on her anxiety and feelings of jealousy before she can work on her relationship.

[sporky_rat]

I'm absolutely with the boyfriend on this, even with my dislike of people knowing my relationship details. (I admit a lot of that one is my upbringing of 'you don't show your dirty laundry'.)

[conuly]

LW: You should get counseling. Your own counseling - don't drag your BF to couples counseling until you've gotten a little therapy of your own.