Dear Prudence: I'm uncomfortable with my boyfriend's level of intimacy with his coworkers.

[minoanmiss]

Dear Prudence,
My long-term boyfriend works as a professional film crew member with long hours and an unpredictable schedule. I’m uncomfortable with the level of intimacy that crew members develop with each other on long shoots. Two years ago, one of his co-workers frequently Snapchatted him and posted flirtatious status updates on social media. He insisted nothing was going on, and we had a huge argument. More recently, we went through a rough patch while he was away for six months. I caught him deleting text messages he was sending to another woman. He says that he was just asking for relationship advice and he only deleted them because I fly off the handle whenever he talks to any other woman. He claimed he also asked a male co-worker the same questions. I don’t think it’s appropriate for him to have very close friendships with women, but I also don’t like him confiding in random male co-workers about our relationship. I have a jealous streak and acknowledge this may not be a healthy attitude. However, it’s not uncommon for crew people to hook up with each other, and I’m afraid I won’t be able to tell if he’s cheating on me due to his erratic schedule. He feels that I am too domineering. How can I be understanding but also establish healthy boundaries? We’ve discussed counseling but haven’t gone yet.

—Infidelity Anxiety

Your problem is a serious one but not insurmountable (the main problem being your jealousy and attempts at surveillance, not your boyfriend’s relationship with his co-workers). You say that it’s not uncommon for “crew people” to hook up on shoots, but your boyfriend isn’t “crew people.” He’s your boyfriend. And he’s never cheated on you, but you seem to be treating him as if it’s only a matter of time until he does. If you think he shouldn’t have close friendships with women or develop deeper friendships with his male co-workers (who are not “random”), you’re not leaving him very many outlets outside of your relationship. Add to that the fact that you periodically turn your relationship into an inquisition whenever he goes on location, and you’re creating a paranoid and unpleasant environment for the both of you.

It may be that your jealous nature and his inconsistent work schedule are truly incompatible, but if your relationship is otherwise good, follow through on your discussions about counseling and go together to develop saner strategies for dealing with jealousy and making each other feel secure. There may be reasonable things he can do to reassure you, but you have at least as much to gain by corralling your own dark thoughts—surely you can’t enjoy being constantly tormented and beset by doubts.