Dear Abby: half-brother, to meet or not to meet.

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: My father had a son with a woman while he was dating my mother. Mom made Dad choose between her and his son. He chose Mom, and has had no contact with the boy.

Dad doesn't want to interfere with his now-grown son's life. I, on the other hand, would love to reach out and meet my half-brother. Would it be overstepping boundaries if I do this? -- SOMEONE'S SIBLING IN MICHIGAN

DEAR SOMEONE'S SIBLING: I'd be curious to know how you became aware of your half-brother's existence, because I'll bet the topic wasn't discussed in your home. While I might have no objection to you reaching out to your half-sibling -- because I am not emotionally involved -- your mother will feel betrayed and angry. If you decide to move forward, be prepared.

Comments

[cereta]

Speaking as someone who is currently having an email conversation with my late birth mother's ex-husband, I don't feel like I should offer an opinion on should I/shouldn't I, except to say that a large factor would be whether the son knows about the circumstances of his abandonment.

HOWEVER, what I will say is that if found out that my mother had demanded that my father abandon a child in order to be with her, then her feelings on the matter would be so far from the top of my list of considerations that they wouldn't even be on the list. (And please don't tell me it was a different time. I was tangentially involved in two situations that touched on these issues as a young adult, with children who are grown or nearly so now. Based one the wording, I'd say this happened no further back than the '80s.)

[recessional]

Yeah see the father wouldn't have a choice, because I would divorce the shit out of him - AND THEN expect that he would absolutely live up to ALL his parental responsibilities.

It's not the CHILD's fault he was unfaithful, and anyone who WOULD abandon paternal responsibilities to stay with me is someone I don't want anyway.

I'd be much less worried about the mother's reaction, and more about the half-sibling's. And I think it's up to that half-sibling to set those boundaries, and the only way to find out what they are is to make very very VERY non-demanding contact and then abide by his wishes.

[cereta]

Yes. I should have added that dad's feelings were pretty much a non-consideration, too, because he made that choice (it sounds like he and mom were just dating, not married, which is both better and worse).

I've been working on the careful, almost skittish approach since I got my birth records. There's a whole lot of "if you would be willing" and "I will respect any boundaries you put up" and that kind of thing. The unanswered question is, how much does half-brother know? If he doesn't know about the ultimatum, I'd be a lot more reluctant to approach him.

[recessional]

Which is totally what I mean by the kind of "non-demanding" I was thinking of.

I . . . would probably still do it, but I also have a strong feeling about the half-sibling having the right to know why he doesn't know his father (or whatever), and it being his decision to take it or not; my approach would be to definitely leave out anything other than the basic "we're paternal half-siblings" and then if he doesn't want to know (or wants NOTHING TO DO WITH ME because, let's face it, even if he does know the fact that I got our dad could easily be a massive screaming sore-spot) he can make that clear.

[likeaduck]

Not that it matters to the question asked, but I'm not clear from the wording that there was necessarily infidelity involved, which other commenters seem to be assuming--the wording, to me, could mean half-brother was conceived, born, or older & in contact while mom & dad were dating.

[recessional]

If he was older and in contact when the mom made the ultimatum I am so horrified at the father I can't even.

[vass]

My take:

LW should be ready for the probability that their half-brother deeply hates his father, stepmother, or both, or at the least is very, very angry and hurt at one or both of them.

And if that turns out to be the case, LW should be really careful not to defend them to him. Which isn't necessarily easy, even if you disapprove very much of something your parents did.

If LW can't do that, LW shouldn't make contact. Otherwise it's just contacting him only to add some salt to the wound.

[redbird]

My take on the "If you decide to move forward, be prepared" wasn't that Abby was saying "so don't do it," but "be prepared for fireworks. Your mother is unlikely to have changed her mind about this."

I would only add that both the letter writer's parents might be angry: the father's "I don't want to interfere" could easily be a more palatable version of "I don't want this to come between me and your mother" or "I'd feel far too guilty if he asked why I walked away."

[shirou]

LW's parents sound like lovely people. It's good that Abby warned LW about her mother's probable reaction.

I laughed at "I ... have no objection ... because I'm not emotionally involved." How often does Abby tell a LW that she doesn't care because it's not her problem?

[cereta]

Yeah, the wording on that is just weird. "Well, you know, *I* have no objection," as if Abby's personal feelings are the question.