Dear Care & Feeding: I Outed My Daughter

[minoanmiss]

But should I have to lie for her?



Dear Care and Feeding,
My 16-year-old daughter is out (as bi) to her friends and immediate family, but not to her grandparents. While I was having dinner the other night with my mother-in-law, she asked point-blank if she’s gay. Not knowing how to answer (and frankly, new at this), I answered with the truth. I told my husband via text about this and my daughter read that text and now knows about my revelation. I feel terrible. I apologized to her for violating her trust, sharing information that wasn’t mine to share. She’s furious with me for “outing” her. I asked her how I should have handled it, and she said I should have lied and said she is straight. I told her that it wasn’t fair for her to ask me to do that and I need a better way. This is where it stands today. How can I answer these sorts of questions in the future without compromising my daughter’s trust? Help!

—New Bi Mom

Dear NBM,

We often tell our kids that honesty is the best policy, and that’s true like 98 percent of the time. But congratulations, you’ve found the 2 percent of the time when it’s not. This is one of those times where your daughter’s story should always remain completely and exclusively hers to tell. Period. Coming out feels (and is) very dangerous to many of us, and we pick our spots for our emotional—and often physical—protection. This right of safety is protected by one inviolable rule: Never, ever out someone against their will. In doing so to your daughter, you more than violated her trust; you robbed her of the ability to determine her own safety.

I acknowledge that “Mom, lie for me” feels dramatically antithetical to the values you’re probably trying to instill, and that’s totally valid. But if you’re going to be a loving mother to a queer child, you must begin to recognize that there is something bigger here than that. It is not dishonest for her not to tell people of her orientation. She 1 million percent gets to decide who knows and when. And I get that it makes you uncomfortable, but I guarantee it makes her way more uncomfortable to be outed by the person she needs to be protecting her.

So you didn’t know and now you know. You did your best, and I’m glad to hear you apologized to her. Now let go of your own personal sense of wounding, work it out with a therapist or friend (not your daughter), and try to learn from the situation. And in the future, the answer to any question about her orientation should always be whatever your daughter tells you to say.

Comments

[minoanmiss]

In another post to Agony Aunt we identified Lawful Evil; here we have a case of Lawful Stupid. Ok, I'm being harsh, but really, is it that hard to see that this is not the same kind of question as "Did Suzie like the sweater I knitted for her?" Sheesh.

(That said, major kudos to the LW for apologizing. Most parents don't.)

[ashbet]

The kind of grandparent who point-blank asks a parent if their kid is gay... is generally the kind of person that it feels least-safe to come out to (and that feeling is frequently justified.(

Grandma needs to learn boundaries, and both parents need to be united in support of their child’s privacy and safety.

[commoncomitatus]

I mean, I kind of understand the mother not wanting to lie, even if the daughter asked her to, but what's wrong with a generic "I don't know" or "it's none of my(/your) business" or even "it's not something we talk about"? No-one gets outed, no-one feels like they've been made a liar, and people asking questions they shouldn't don't get any extra gossip.

[kutsuwamushi]

The risk is that saying anything other than "she's straight" will be taken to mean "she's gay." Because that's how homophobes often think.

Since the daughter actively wants her parent to lie and say she's straight, it sounds like she feels safest when people actually think she's straight, rather than simply not knowing she's gay.

[beable]

I mean holy hell, I have this "Oh I don't know , you'd have really have to ask themthat sort of thing" type of conversations with people ALL THE TIME when it comes to other mutual friends' sexuality or gender identity or even other more neutral private stuff like "why did they get divorced / how's their health".

It can sometimes be awkward because often the person asking can tell I'm being evasive on purpose but at the same time the people who can actually tell I'm being deliberately evasive overlap heavily with the people who realize that of course I'm being evasive because "Hi, not gonna gossip about stuff that friend X wants to keep private, mmkay" and they'll still subside

[beable]

Although A+ for this advice.

[conuly]

"It's none of your business" will translate to "She's definitely not straight". It's a true statement, and it's every bit as revealing as just answering outright.

[starfleetbrat]

I mean, there is a way she could not lie and be truthful at the same time.

Just say something like "She is attracted to men" (which would be true if she is bi) or "she went on a date with a boy from her class not long ago" (assuming she has dated someone male, of course) or get the daughter to tell LW a male celebrity she finds hot so LW has a backup name for if someone asks again. "She told me she has a crush on Malecelebrity, so she is definitely into men" is not a lie and doesn't imply she is anything other than straight.

[azurelunatic]

I'm still angry that Mama told Dad.

[ioplokon]

Yeah like seriously part of why I don't come out to some people until I'm ready for all of our mutual acquaintances to know is bc some heteros can't keep a lid on it. Like 'oh but lying makes me feel uncomfortable' uh, kay, but outing me can get me beat up/fired/excluded from social or networking opportunities/forced into the role of 'native informant' against my will/expose me to microaggressions of a variety I don't want right now.

Edit: oh also sounds like the daughter only found out by accident that the mom outed her?!?! That's so fucked! Like, one, don't out me but two, if you do at least tell me!

[tielan]

Surely "I couldn't say. You could ask her about that" would work? Although obviously, LW got caught flat-footed by the MIL, which was probably the MIL's intent.

[minoanmiss]

Ordinarily I'd say "you could ask her about that" but n this case I think the parents should protect their daughter from the MIL, whom I doubt was asking for cheerful reasons.

[mommy]

Yeah, I got definite Not Safe vibes from how the grandma asked. I'm sure the feeling is even worse for someone underage who lives with family and can't easily go low/no contact with certain relatives.

[lemonsharks]

I genuinely do not understand why people have such a problem with telling harmless or protective lies when asked.

[cimorene]

The core issue is that it's not okay to out someone no matter what, but 'I don't want to lie' is a stupid diversion because even a very small child is well aware that there are plenty of ways to answer someone besides the true answer to their question or a lie. The mother is by no means limited to a lie or something that implies (like "None of your business" or "Ask them herself"). There are plenty of misdirections, counter-questions and changes of subject available, a few of which are mentioned above. And if she's incapable of lying at all to her mother-in-law, even to protect her daughter, she probably should have avoided going to dinner with her.

[fred_mouse]

Argh. Not only have I lied about personal information for my children, I routinely do it for their friends -- particularly the queer and non-binary ones who need the protection of their parents not knowing. Partner is unhappy that I knowingly take teens to Pride, but I'm much happier if they are with me rather than out on their own.

[semperfiona]

This. My daughter's best friend is a closeted trans boy. I call him "her" and deadname him when his parents are present (actually, I mostly avoid using his name at all with them), because he is afraid of their reaction. But I also use his correct name and pronouns whenever I can, when talking about him to my daughter and their other friends, etc. It sucks but that is what he wants and needs at this stage of his life. I'm just glad he and my daughter's other friends are comfortable being out to me.

[lyonesse]

i would have preferred "she's a child, that's not an appropriate question" or other dismissals to lying.

but that's me, and i am not known for my social graces.

[jadelennox]

Eh, I don't know. My mum used to ask my sister whether my nephew was gay, I am pretty sure because she wanted the opportunity be the Wokest of Grandmas. I am 100% she doesn't recall me trying to come out to her in high school and how she completely Nice-Ally-Straight-Parent whiffed it.

(nephew is not gay.)

[mirlacca]

Or, maybe, "You'll have to talk to her about that."

[rosefox]

"What an odd question. I'm sure that if Suzie had anything to tell you about her dating life, she would tell you herself."

I told her that it wasn’t fair for her to ask me to do that and I need a better way.

Dear LW, what isn't fair is that it's not safe for your daughter to be herself freely in the world. It's on you as her parent to help protect her.

[fred_mouse]

Oh, sympathies for both you and him. There are currently multiple teens in my life who are making the choice to be deadnamed, and every time I do it I just want to cry. But I entirely understand what is happening for them, and why those choices are being made.