Host gets no love

[raine]

DEAR ABBY: For the last 18 years, I have hosted the Passover Seder in my home. The same people come year after year. My three daughters come and always bring along their friends. It's a lot of work, but I always considered it our special night and was happy to host everyone.

This year, after spending a week in the hospital following a heart problem, I had a bit of a revelation. I realized that not one of these people who, for years, have sat at my table (some live just down the street) picked up the phone to ask how I am or offer help. I also realized that once they left my house after the Seder, I never heard from any of them, not even in the form of a card.

I'm conflicted about how to act in the future. I know that getting together is important to my daughters. I know that not having a lovely Seder will make me sad. But I also feel that the way I was treated is not right. Advice? -- OBSERVANT IN MAINE

DEAR OBSERVANT: When I read your letter, my first instinct was to suggest it may be time to whittle down your guest list. However, my better judgment prevailed, so I called Rabbi Elliot Dorff, professor of philosophy (with a specialization in ethics) at American Jewish University, and a cooler head prevailed. He said: "You must distinguish between your enjoyment of the Seder and how you have been treated. If you are going to do this, do it for yourself. It doesn't help to hold a grudge. Rather than nurse a grudge, which isn't healthy for you, speak up about your disappointment when you invite them and give them a chance to respond." Thank you again, Rabbi Dorff! Readers, what is your opinion about this?

 

Comments

[raine]

My mom hosted family parties for years, spending up to three days making all the food - appetizers, entrees, desserts, the works. She never did it with the intent of getting thanks, so I'm a little conflicted about this one. I think it comes down to if you never get anything reciprocally - no one ever talks to you between parties, you don't get support before/during/after (e.g. someone offers to make something, help set out food, wash dishes, etc.), then maybe it's time to stop inviting those folks and/or ask for assistance in putting it together.

[ambyr]

Your DAUGHTERS didn’t so much as send you a get well soon card after you were hospitalized for heart problems, let alone call or check on you at the hospital? I think if that’s the case the Seder is the tip of the iceberg of family dysfunction here.

[minoanmiss]

Yeah. :/

and... Rabbi Dorff's advice reminds me of many religious leaders' advice on these sorts of situations, which seem to me to inadequately acknowledge how the asker has been hurt in an effort to encourage them towards only positive responses.

[conuly]

I wonder if Rabbi Dorff is the one responsible for hosting parties and maintaining social ties in his household.

[raine]

I'm guessing the answer is no on that one.

[misbegotten]

If it bothers you, don't invite them. But inviting them and saying at the same time that they've disappointed you seems a bit odd. Maybe I'm misunderstanding the advice.

[minoanmiss]

"I've called you all here together for an airing of grievances!"

[raine]

I'm reminded of a line from Hamilton - "Here's my itemized list of thirty years of grievances!"

[rosefox]

Though Seder guests are unlikely to reply "Sweet Jesus!"

[conuly]

Unless they're at one of those Fundiegelical "Christian" seders. Which I've never seen the point of, honestly.

[lannamichaels]

Yeah, like, if you don't want them there, don't invite them. Seders can go for hours. That's a long time to spend with people you resent.

[rosefox]

"Hi, Miriam, it's Sara... Fine, thanks. You?... I'm calling to invite you to this year's Seder, of course... Oh, no, just a bottle of wine, really, and only if you have one lying around... But do bring a thank-you card to drop in the mailbox on the way out the way you've totally neglected to do for the last 18 years."

[misbegotten]

*chortle*

[lannamichaels]

I mean, what's the issue here? That people who the LW sees once a year aren't as close to them as they'd like? Did those people even know the LW was in hospital? Because I gotta say, I've spent seders with people who I'd have no idea they were in the hospital unless someone told me, or an e-mail went out on mail groups asking for meals for them.

If the issue that making the seder is gonna be too hard to do by themselves this year, it's totally fine to say to the daughters that this year, they're gonna have to pitch in work to make it all work out. And then they can decide as a family how many people they can host for it.

If the issue is that the LW doesn't hear from the daughters, that's an entirely different issue that's got nothing to do with the seder.

[raine]

I feel like something got edited out of this letter that would give its way more context, because Abby's answer is very soft compared to what, say, Carolyn Hax might say in this instance. Or maybe I'm giving Abby too much credit - her answers tend to be very soft, IMO.

[rosefox]

If the daughters aren't already helping with the Seder other than showing up with hungry guests, in an observant family, I'm already wondering what's up with that. I can't imagine attending my mother's Seder and not pitching in—make the charoset, mix the salt water, something.

[raine]

My mom would've had my head if I hadn't helped her with any family/friends party, so I'm wondering why the letter writer didn't ask her daughters for help sooner.

[lannamichaels]

It's my dad's preference to make the seder All By Himself; he gets actually insulted when other people try to do stuff like make food. But while he's doing that, the rest of us are doing other Pesach-readiness stuff. I think the most I've done for the actual seder is do the seder plates. There was one very memorable year when the overbuying of shmurah matza still didn't let everyone have three without one broken one. I'm not even sure I've ever made the salt water. Maybe once or twice?

But the only times I've ever done nothing at all are when I've helicoptered in to other people's seders and in those cases, I've still offered to help however they want.

[starfleetbrat]

"My three daughters come and always bring along their friends."

THEIR friends. Do none of the LWs friends attend?

"I know that getting together is important to my daughters."

Is it not important to the LW?

"I know that not having a lovely Seder will make me sad."

LW needs to think about why having a lovely Seder makes them happy. Is it the people? (sounds like it isn't) Is it being able to host a meal? (would hosting ANY meal give them the same joy?) Is it the ritual of the event? Something else?

Either way, it sounds like the LW needs their daughters to step up and host a seder even if its just the upcoming one. If it's important to THEM and its THEIR friends... and once LW figures out why they enjoy the Seder they can maybe make the decision whether or not to host it in the future and who should be invited.

[raine]

Agreed. It's weird that it's all about the daughters and their friends rather than anything LW wants.

[lavendertook]

I can' tell if "these people" includes her daughters, or if there is anyone else who attends besides her daughters and their friends--which make this odd. But in any event, she should send a group email to all involved and just say:

"After my surgery this year, I'm not up to hosting the Seder. Would anyone else care to host it? I'll help out whoever does. Thanks! I'll be grateful to see each of you after not being sure if I'd be here at all." What's the good of being Jewish if you can't put that little last line of guilt in there? ;-P

[beable]

Because of the actual cultural traditions regarding the Seder (specifically where it's a Mitzvah to make sure nobody is left Sederless and I have been at Seders where one or more people was a Seder "orphan" being offered hospitality by the host) then I think the Rabbi's answer is entirely reasonable in a way that it would not be for - say - a New Year's party or birthday party or wedding shindig or whatever.

Also - if all of these attendees are being invited through the daughters it'sd possible that all the thank yous and what-have you are being said to the daughters (which is rude AF - one should always thank one's actual host!) but that might be where the real disconnect is - the daughters themselves taking the hospitality for granted.

And all this does as mentioned elides the actual issue of "where are the daughters in all this vis a vis their mother's recent heart problems or putting together the Seder" ?

The answer from the Rabbi to the question asked is entirely reasonable but there are other questions that really need to be asked and answered - all surrounding where the daughters are in all this!

[lyonesse]

i think the seder must be the tip of the iceberg here. the problem isn't that she hosts seder. the problem is that she isn't receiving support and care she could use, and she's picked the seder as the reason she deserves this from certain people.

i'm autistic so nobody should ask me how to arrange for social support. but fwiw my tuppence would be that maybe she should call these people and say "wow i was in the hospital and i felt really isolated and scared." maybe that would let folks know that she needed help, and if they were willing and able, to step up?