Fight Over Luggage Throws a Wrench in Plans for a Cruise

[conuly]

DEAR ABBY: I paid $5,000 for a seven-day cruise with my grandkids. All I asked was for them to pack a carry-on and a backpack. My granddaughter and son are having a problem with it. I tried explaining that I'm handicapped and do not want to check a large bag for her because it's a convenience issue. There's laundry service onboard the ship.

When I went to help her pack, my son said I was being unreasonable, and is now threatening to cancel our time with our grandchildren! My husband and I are heartbroken. He ordered us to leave his home and said we were being ridiculous! I don't know what to think.

Am I being unreasonable? We never told them how much we have spent. We just explained that a checked bag would cause us more stress. We also rented a compact car for after our cruise to take the grands, who are 15 and 16, to the mall and a theme park. We don't understand the big deal. -- CRUISER GRANDMA

DEAR CRUISER: Your letter proves the truth of the adage "no good deed goes unpunished." To say your son overreacted would be an understatement.

As hosts, you and your husband have the right to issue some guidelines. Inexperienced travelers are often tempted to overpack, and that appears to be true here. If you haven't raised the subject with your son of the cost of the cruise and your worry about hauling around large pieces of luggage in the small rented car, you should. At least then he will understand why you have given "the grands" a limit. If they want to bring larger bags, the kids should be responsible for paying whatever additional cost there might be. At 15 and 16, both should also be able to lug around their own suitcases. It's a teaching opportunity!

https://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/2020/2/2/0/fight-over-luggage-throws-a-wrench

Comments

[conuly]

Like I've said before, I never ever ever get tired of the people who think they're pulling one over on us when they're so not. Well, apparently she fooled Abby, anyway, but who can seriously think that this is how it went down? There is no freaking way that this is an accurate summation of events.

Also, for sheer moments of WTF, if you're willing to brave the comments you can check out the thread here: It's a shame about the grandchildren, but they belong to your son. The way he treated you is unconscionable. I always counsel against getting too involved with the grandkids. The are often used as bargaining chips when there is a disagreement.

[jamoche]

"overpack"?! One carryon and a backpack for a week on a ship? She does know the kids are perfectly capable of carrying and checking their own bags, right? I wasn't even much of a fashionista as a teen girl and there's no way I'd want to carry, what, two changes of clothes for a week long trip. Even if they do get washed every day you just feel grubby and you *know* other teens are going to notice.

Assuming that there are other teens on this cruise. Don't they skew rather old? In which case it's all the other grandmas doing the shit talking.

My mom was a US Customs inspector long before TSA, and packing in a way that didn't match your stated plans was a small flag. One backpack for a week in a luxury destination would definitely stand out, unless you were like the supermodel who came through with about 4 days worth of clothes for a two-week trip - but they were coordinated so they could be mixed and matched into two weeks worth of different outfits. And of course got washed every 4 days, not every day.

[conuly]

The comments at uexpress point out that "laundry service" probably means you can choose between 8 tiny coin-operated machines divided among a thousand or so passengers, or a $50 charge for clothes to be returned two days after you drop them off. Neither of which is very useful if you've only got a few days worth of clothes to start with.

Assuming that there are other teens on this cruise. Don't they skew rather old?

Yeah, probably. It's a fad from when our grandparents were young.

[delight]

I cruise frequently and there are actually kids and teens EVERYWHERE. Lots of seniors too, but so many kids and teens!

[conuly]

I had no idea!

[ioplokon]

Yeah this is wild. I never check a bag bc I travel alone and don't drive. And like, you can absolutely fit a week's worth of clothes in a carry-on, if you have a good sized one with a soft shell and are willing to wear your coat during boarding.

But I think... The kids are old enough to be able to handle a checked bag themselves, so I don't see the issue. Especially since, once the bag is on the boat, you don't have to move it again? It'd be different if they were doing a multi-city trip by plane or train and would have to be transporting the bags a ton of times.

Honestly, tho, I have trouble believing this is the whole issue?

[conuly]

There is no freaking way this is the whole issue. There are gaps in here big enough to drive the proverbial truck through.

[jadelennox]

There's a lot here, and I think so much is missing. As framed, the son sounds like he's being a dick. And yet! We don't hear whether LW spoke to the grandkids, and I really want to know what's happened there. Were the kids ordered to go in this cruise, or are they looking forward to it? Cruises notoriously have spotty and unaffordable cell service and wi-fi, which could be a living hell for many teenagers. What's their relationship with LW? Since LW doesn't seem to have spoken to them, I'm theorizing "bad".

Also, of course two (presumably) able-bodied teenagers should be carrying their own bags instead of expecting disabled grandparents to do it, and if that doesn't go without saying in this whole letter than WTF. ಠ_ಠ

Finally, LW might not be thinking about contemporary adolescence at all. A backpack might hold a laptop, several books, homework, a kindle, a phone, multiple chargers, possibly meds, makeup. A teenage girl who is not camping might expect a curling iron or a hair dryer -- do cruises come with hairdryers, like hotel rooms? Her dad's probably told her fancy clothes for when the grandparents take her to a nice dinner, plus theme park clothes, warm things for the deck of the ship...

But seriously, LW, comfort over grand gesture. I'd rather have enough clean underwear and not the theme park. Pay for a porter, or ask your son to do so. The bag might cause you stress, but the estrangement is DEFINITELY causing stress.

[conuly]

Homework alone might take up a lot of space.

[watersword]

You know, I TRY to extend the assumption of good faith and I TRY not to believe that letter writers are lying any more than any of us are in our own subjective reality, but come on.

[conuly]

Oh, I don't think LW is lying, per se, just... selectively editing.

[minoanmiss]

WORD.

[ashbet]

Yikes. I’ve never been able to travel with just a carry-on and backpack in my LIFE.

In addition to chronic illness that requires me to have a bunch of just-in-case medical stuff and a gallon Ziploc full of pills, I also have the kind of textured hair that requires special shampoo/conditioner/product (not being high-maintenance, my hair will snarl and dread and frizz into a hideous tangled nightmare!)

Add in 7 days of clothes, an extra pair of shoes in case I get blisters, and then there’s apparently a theme park trip for an unknown number of days, after that??!? :O

I feel bad for the grandparents, but it’s entirely reasonable for the two teens to need at least one full-sized suitcase for the pair of them, and thy can haul/check it, or cover the cost of a porter.

*full-body shudder at the idea of spending a week-plus without enough clothes and toiletries to make the trip anything other than extremely unpleasant*

[shirou]

To add a male voice: I could definitely pack for a week with only a carry-on and backpack if laundry service were available. But why would anyone pay $5k for a cruise and then spend the time on board doing laundry? Baffling.

[minoanmiss]

This, too.

[naath]

For a week I need a daily change of knickers, bra, socks, 4 tops, 3 bottoms, and 1 set of pjs; also a coat (I'll wear it) and a change of shoes. Along with toothbrush, hairbrush, shampoo, conditioner, toothpaste, showergel, wash cloth and a spare hair comb because they break and I don't want to be stuck shopping for hair things. Oh, and it's a cruise, so at least one 'nice' outfit for evening wear.

And my carryon fits .... about half of that (it'll do for a weekend). I guess I'm really not up for doing laundry on vacation, and I don't wear shitty flimsy crap that fails utterly at the #1 purpose of clothes "keep me warm". My backpack fits the (clearly necessary) electronics (laptop, chargers, etc.) and stuffed toy (don't judge); but I'm disabled, so it's not a big one (I find a large suitcase easier to handle, personally, but mileage varies).

I did once manage a week's hike with only what I could carry in a backpack that was mostly tent. At the end I stank and was filthy. Not doing that on a cruise!

[ambyr]

"Laundry service" in a cruise context generally means you leave your dirty clothes in a bag, and when you come back your room they've been washed, pressed, and folded/hung for you.

It's also usually quite expensive. Why that's a better option than tipping a skycab/porter/similar to deal with a suitcase is beyond me.

[kutsuwamushi]

I admit I didn't really get this one until I read the comments here.

I pack pretty light and a carry-on and backpack would be enough for a warm weather cruise, especially if I could plan on doing laundry once a week. I didn't understand why the son would threaten to cancel the cruise over this.

But seeing your comments, it seems like there's a lot missing that doesn't make sense, so ... it can't be the full story. Why can't the kids carry and check their own bags??? Why is the LW acting like she's being personally asked to carry them???

You'd think she'd mention why the easy solution is ruled out, here.

[conuly]

I didn't understand why the son would threaten to cancel the cruise over this.

And that's the crux of it, isn't it? Either Son is so incredibly unreasonable and drama-tastic, and prone to spoiling his kids in everything that there is absolutely no way that LW was taken by surprise here... or he's not. And if he's not, then something else is going on, and LW didn't see fit to give us all the details.

[shopfront]

When I went to help her pack, my son said I was being unreasonable

I'd bet good money that the problem isn't the actual bags, the problem is Grandma trying to micromanage what bag space the kids did have (possibly also causing a giant fight while 'helping') and now son isn't sure if he wants to subject his kids to extended grandparent time without him there to mediate.

[rosefox]

That jumped out at me too. "Help" definitely means "butt in" here.

[shopfront]

Yeah, agreed. If it wasn't specifically the process of packing, maybe they've already discussed the bag situation to death or Grandma showed up uninvited to do this. I have so many questions.

I mean, her son could just be a dick. But I have a few family members who try to buy control over others and any disagreement story that starts with 'I spent SO MUCH MONEY on them' is a giant red flag to me. If the holiday was so expensive and it's just an extra bag standing between you and enjoying it, any reasonable person tries to make that work even if only by commanding that all teens must be able to carry their own stuff and put their backpacks in their laps in the car or something. But if on some level you thought you were purchasing something more intangible than a cruise, this makes much more sense as a hill to die on.

[conuly]

Yup.

[neotoma]

Everything made sense until the LW said the grandkids are 15 and 16 -- then everything the LW said was ridiculous.

I had initially assume the grandkids were in the 6-12 range, which is old enough they could go a trip alone with their grandparents, but not old enough that they could be left to pack their own clothes or haul their own luggage.

But the fact that the grandkids are teenagers, who are presumably able-bodied and capable of hauling their own luggage *and* their grandparents' if it comes to that, change all that and makes me think that the LW is the one being unreasonable and ridiculous.

The letter is full of missing details.

[cereta]

Um, yeah, I'm guessing the average teen won't have my kazillion prescription med bottles, but I'm guessing grams hasn't seen the average teen make-up kit these days. Hint: hoo boy. They make my daily kit look puny. That's not even getting into things like hair product, any styling devices, accessories...you get the idea. I can't fit everything for a weekend in the average carryon, not because of clothes, but all the other stuff I use on a daily basis.

(Note: I realize this girl might not use make-up or hair styling stuff. Just adding a potential factor.)

[lemonsharks]

Grandma's not wrong ... about the bags. 5k for a 7-day cruise, spread out over two or (more likely) four people, gets you an interior room with the bare legal minimum of clearance around the furniture, and a teeny-weenie closet. Large bags may not physically be an option for their booking.

Her everything else is terrible, though. Leveraging cost, showing up (unannounced?) to supervise packing, plus all the missing details everyone else has speculated over (did she book the cruise for dates during the school year?) -- YIKES.

[greenygal]

If she’d said “I asked them to minimize luggage because we won’t have a lot of space,” that would have sounded perfectly reasonable! But instead she’s talking about not being physically able to check bags for teenagers who ought to be perfectly capable of doing it themselves, which...does not seem like a legit objection even before you get to the other stuff.

[xenacryst]

I was being kind with a gift and then tried to be helpful, and out of the blue my son flew off the handle and was mean to me!

Sorry, LW, people don't work like that. Do a better job of omitting details next time. 99.999% of the time, when people get upset enough with you to try to limit your presence in their lives there has been a history of aggression on your part. Next you're going to be joining the estranged grandparents boards, I can almost guarantee it.

[conuly]

I was being kind with a gift and then tried to be helpful, and out of the blue my son flew off the handle and was mean to me!

LOL.

Sorry, LW, people don't work like that.

Not usually. If they do, you know already what they're like and can expect it going in.

[purlewe]

when I was 17 I spent a month in another country with all my belongings in a backpack.

granted, this was a llbean hiking backpack. there were 16 of us, and we were girl scouts. we were required to be able to attend all our luggage by ourselves. I had also brought a dufflebag with my sleeping bag as 1/2 the time would would be camping (and little did we know the tents would have no floors, but I digress) and I was told I needed to make room in my hiking bag to carry my sleeping bag. I did and gave the duffle to the girl who brought a scuba backpack (weighted so it would not float) so she didn't have to carry the extra weight as well as her clothes. To this day I can pack everything I need for up to 2 weeks in my smallest carry on and purse. I even bring things I know I am going to toss (older clothes I plan on wearing once bc they are ripping, books I plan on reading and abandoning, etc) I know I am not the norm. Heck I know that when I bring out my biggest suitcase it will be less than half the size I see other people using while travelling. *I know I am not the typical US traveler.*

THAT SAID. these people are going to be in a fancy cruise, which requires clothes that are not interchangeable with camping and hiking. I personally could do it, but I am not a teenager with the need for homework, all the beauty implements, and also the need for fancy dress. 16 and 17 yr olds can handle their own luggage. In fact I encourage you to make them become responsible for their own things. And if they lose them then that is no ones fault but their own.

And all that said, I agree with everyone on here that 3/4 of the story is missing and there is some kind of controlling aspect to the grandparents and how they are handling this. I completely had a screaming match with my mother packing that backpack 30 years ago. So don't expect this to be an easy thing anyway... but truthfully.. let the kids handle their own luggage and there will be less fighting for all involved.