Dear Abby: Conflicting Weddings

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: My best friend from college asked me to be in her wedding, and I was excited and happy to agree. Unfortunately, her wedding falls on the same weekend as my older sister's. Due to the distance and other family obligations, I won't be able to attend my sister "Sara's" wedding. Sara has been understanding about it, but she is upset.

I want to be as helpful as possible with the planning and preparation process as Sara is now down one bridesmaid, but I am unsure how best to do it. Is it proper to still participate in all of the bridal party activities, planning the shower, throwing a bachelorette party, etc., even though I cannot attend the ceremony? Should I try to travel there the weekend before to help with any last-second preparations for the ceremony? -- DOUBLE-BOOKED BRIDESMAID

DEAR DOUBLE-BOOKED: I don't blame Sara for being upset. The relationship between sisters is supposed to last a lifetime. On the other hand, the bonds of friendship can loosen as years pass, and often do.

Frankly, I think you made the wrong choice in deciding which wedding to participate in -- and in the interest of family harmony, you should do for your friend what you would like to do for your sister.

Comments

[cereta]

I think it's worth noting that she is not choosing one wedding over the other. She says that the decision not to attend her sister's wedding is based on distance and other obligations. Even if she didn't attend the friend's wedding, she still wouldn't be attending Sara's, so why should she skip her friend's? It seems silly to insist that if she *can't* go to one, she shouldn't go to either.

That said, the stuff about sisterly bonds is a load of hooey. Some sisters are very close. I think mine could probably pick me out of a line-up. Probably. There's no hostility, just busy lives and nothing in common. I have a much stronger bond with my best friend.

[minoanmiss]

Wow, can someone get me the LW's address so I can give her some better advice, starting with an electronic hug and assurance that she's a good person?

You know that bit about "blood is thicker than water?" As You Know Cereta-Bob, it's actually, "the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb", or, friendships can be deeper and truer bonds than any blood family.

[cereta]

Ooh, I love learning the origin of sayings, especially when they contradict the way they're currently used (see: "the exception that proves the rule").

[recessional]

Speaking as someone who is incredibly close to her sisters and would move heaven and earth to be at their wedding(s): Abby, shut up. "Family harmony" is a coin with an INTENSELY variable exchange rate and there's nothing here to indicate what it is. Just to start with.

As to the LWs actual question, as far as I can tell this is one of those ones where if you can actually ask and talk with the sister about it and have an open and honest communication about what she wants and would feel best with, then that's what you should do; and if you're in one of those situations where you have to somehow ~*intuit*~ what people want by magically osmosing which version of wedding etiquette and meaning they're running off of out of the air and behaving appropriately, you're fucked no matter which way it goes, so you should probably just ask anyway, and be happy that the wedding you're actually neck deep in is with more reasonable people.

[abbylee]

:nods: I'm also very close with my family; we like each other a lot but it's definitely more of a *family* bond than something that would come about from us otherwise choosing it. I couldn't imagine missing my sister's wedding (my brother's more likely to elope, but otherwise I'd need to be there for his too). And yet the advice here is just *useless* on so many levels. There's no actual advice to take, just some shaming about putting a friend first.

Friendship works the same way as family - some of us stick together for years and generations, making efforts and putting their needs first. Never mind how long I've kept some of my friends, or my parents have kept some of theirs, but we have family friendships from my grandparents generations - where everyone originally involved died 10+ years ago.

But not only that, but one of the ways that you keep that "family harmony" is by assuming that everyone is trying their best with the tools they have, not by making them show up for things they can't.

[rymenhild]

If Sara's first priority was having DBB in her wedding, and DBB's schedule was already set by the time Sara chose a wedding date, Sara should have chosen a different wedding date!

[shreena]

See, I think you could read it as she was invited to her sister's wedding first - I certainly take the "Sara is now down a bridesmaid" as suggesting that the letter writer did originally commit to Sara's wedding.

[recessional]

I don't, necessarily: there is a very strong cultural assumption in many microciltures that unmarried sisters are AUTOMATICALLY bridesmaids (and sometimes automatically granted Maid of Honour standing) that they're often pre-counted and their assent assumed. I've known circles where actually INVITING (as in, sending an invite, asking for an RSVP, even having to ask out loud) your sister would be weird and almost cold/distancing: of COURSE your sister is going to your wedding, of COURSE she's going to be Maid of Honour, move from there.

Sooo.

[shreena]

That's true. I certainly don't think it's clear-cut though. I think you could read it as the sister invited the letter writer first. That would totally change my view.