Dear Abby: Long-lost daughter?

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: I recently received a Facebook message from a 47-year-old mother of four who believes she is my daughter. While I do not remember her mother and have communicated this to the woman, the pictures she sent of her children somewhat resemble my family.

I'm happily married with two sons, and my wife is aware of this and will support any decision I make. I'm conflicted about the choices before me and the impact they may have on her family and mine. What is the right thing to do? -- CONFLICTED IN FLORIDA

DEAR CONFLICTED: Try to get a little more background from the woman about her mother. For instance, WHY does she think you are her father? Were you and her mother ever in the same place at the same time? If there is a possibility that you could be her dad, the ethical thing to do would be to let her know that your attorney will be contacting her to arrange a DNA test.

Comments

[cereta]

I read this just after getting off the phone with a man who knew my (deceased) birth father, so whoa, eerie.

Personally, I think a DNA test should be sooner on the agenda. From the LW's description, it doesn't sound like he can completely rule out the possibility (which is to say, he wasn't celibate/faithfully married/impotent at the time she was conceived), so a DNA test would cut right to the heart of things.

However, while he's waiting for the results, he should probably think long and hard (possibly with help from a therapist) about what he's willing to give if the woman is his daughter. I don't mean money (wow, the comments are very cynical), but time, attention, and engagement. Is this, "grandchildren, yay!" situation in which he's willing to be a father as much as he can, is it something where they might just be friends, or will he want to keep contact minimal? Be realistic, and include your family in the discussion, particularly (if you have one) your spouse.

[redbird]

If LW doesn't remember this woman's mother, establishing that the two of them were, or weren't, ever in the same place at the same time seems close to impossible.

I can't see what the lawyer is for, here. The woman in question is 47 years old, so I very much doubt child support is relevant. Inheritance might be, but that doesn't require putting a lawyer between the letter writer and his possible daughter; it might mean making sure that his will says "my sons, Able and Baker," rather than "my children" or "my sons and grandchildren."

He should definitely continue to include his wife in the discussion: being willing to support his decision to be in contact with his possible-daughter, or not, may not mean being happy to have several more people at Thanksgiving dinner.

[firecat]

I'm glad that his wife is aware of what's going on. That shows greater sense than most Dear Abby correspondents seem to have.

[cereta]

Seriously. My greatest fear in all this adoption investigation was disrupting someone's life with hitherto unknown information, which is to say, my existence. A teacher at my daughter's school had a half-brother show up at his father's funeral. My general policy is that if there is something about me that is likely to be or even might be revealed at my funeral, I should probably tell my spouse (and child, depending on age) before that can happen.