Sister fat-shamed your niece and not sure if you should confront her?

[conuly]

DEAR NATALIE: I witnessed my sister, Clara, being really hard on her daughter, Olive, recently over food. My niece is on the “chubby” side, but who cares? She’s a sweet, healthy and smart 11-year-old kid. She went to have a few Christmas cookies at my house and my sister told her she needed to “quit indulging.” My niece looked really sad and put them back, but later I saw her sneak a few upstairs. I didn’t say anything but it has really been bothering me. I don’t know if my sister is honestly aware that she body-shamed her daughter. My sister is really beautiful and very particular about her appearance. She’s very disciplined about food and cooks really healthy meals for her family. What’s the harm in a few cookies? Should I say anything? I just don’t want my niece to grow up equating her worth to her waist size like so many of us do. -- NOT SO SWEET

DEAR NOT SO SWEET: Eleven-year-olds shouldn’t be fat shamed. Period. Ever. End of conversation. Your sister did so unknowingly because I am sure she has internalized her own issues of food and need for perfection in her mind. Restricting what/how much her daughter can and cannot eat, may lead to the behavior that you witnessed, which is sneaking food. This could turn into disordered eating and possibly bigger issues as she gets older. Your niece is approaching puberty. It’s a time where many young people feel awkward, emotionally fragile, confused, uncomfortable in their bodies, and insecure. I truly believe every parent is doing the best they can with what they have. Your sister probably thinks she is being helpful to her daughter. Maybe say something like, “Hey, I noticed the other day that Olive went for a few of those awesome cookies and you told her to stop indulging. I’m just concerned that phrases like that may make her feel weird about eating in front of you. I know you love her more than anything, but I’ve been doing some reading and thought I would share some of the new ways to approach things like this for the future because I know you would never want Olive to feel badly about her body or herself …” There is a lot of helpful literature out there on this topic and I suggest you do a little reading before you approach your sister. Hopefully, once she realizes that her words really matter, she may think twice before shaming cookies out of her daughter’s hands again.

https://www.uexpress.com/ask-natalie/2020/1/8/boyfriend-hides-his-cell-phone-from

Comments

[legionseagle]

I imagine it'll turn into an absolute screaming match, though I can't imagine any other advice would have a better outcome.

[likeaduck]

I'm really curious if there is a way. I feel like there's gotta be a lot of listening to the sister's concerns to have any hope. I wonder if there are any questions the LW could ask about the situation that would start them off in a helpful direction.

[legionseagle]

I do hope there are.