Sister fat-shamed your niece and not sure if you should confront her?

[conuly]

DEAR NATALIE: I witnessed my sister, Clara, being really hard on her daughter, Olive, recently over food. My niece is on the “chubby” side, but who cares? She’s a sweet, healthy and smart 11-year-old kid. She went to have a few Christmas cookies at my house and my sister told her she needed to “quit indulging.” My niece looked really sad and put them back, but later I saw her sneak a few upstairs. I didn’t say anything but it has really been bothering me. I don’t know if my sister is honestly aware that she body-shamed her daughter. My sister is really beautiful and very particular about her appearance. She’s very disciplined about food and cooks really healthy meals for her family. What’s the harm in a few cookies? Should I say anything? I just don’t want my niece to grow up equating her worth to her waist size like so many of us do. -- NOT SO SWEET

DEAR NOT SO SWEET: Eleven-year-olds shouldn’t be fat shamed. Period. Ever. End of conversation. Your sister did so unknowingly because I am sure she has internalized her own issues of food and need for perfection in her mind. Restricting what/how much her daughter can and cannot eat, may lead to the behavior that you witnessed, which is sneaking food. This could turn into disordered eating and possibly bigger issues as she gets older. Your niece is approaching puberty. It’s a time where many young people feel awkward, emotionally fragile, confused, uncomfortable in their bodies, and insecure. I truly believe every parent is doing the best they can with what they have. Your sister probably thinks she is being helpful to her daughter. Maybe say something like, “Hey, I noticed the other day that Olive went for a few of those awesome cookies and you told her to stop indulging. I’m just concerned that phrases like that may make her feel weird about eating in front of you. I know you love her more than anything, but I’ve been doing some reading and thought I would share some of the new ways to approach things like this for the future because I know you would never want Olive to feel badly about her body or herself …” There is a lot of helpful literature out there on this topic and I suggest you do a little reading before you approach your sister. Hopefully, once she realizes that her words really matter, she may think twice before shaming cookies out of her daughter’s hands again.

https://www.uexpress.com/ask-natalie/2020/1/8/boyfriend-hides-his-cell-phone-from

Comments

[conuly]

Sis is wrong, but that doesn't mean this conversation can possibly go over well.

[legionseagle]

I imagine it'll turn into an absolute screaming match, though I can't imagine any other advice would have a better outcome.

[rosefox]

A thing that's missing here is that the LW should talk to Olive! "Hey, I just want you to know that you are beautiful exactly the way you are. All body shapes are welcome in my house and I will never make you feel bad for who you are. Next week let's see if your mom will drop you off for an afternoon so we can eat ice cream and watch baking shows together."

[lilysea]

Can you buy niece age appropriate fiction books - picture books or novels - with happy fat protagonists where the fat is just there, not commented on or the focus of the story?

[jadelennox]

yes, this! telling people you disapprove of their parenting is doomed (and should be discouraged for good reasons, except in extreme circumstances).

Also, in front of both sister and Olive, LW should talk happily about food, about weight, etc. If she's fat herself, or has gained any weight, LW can make an active choice to be positive about that in front of family. Not "don't fat shame" but active self-love. She can praise other people who are fat, either for non-body related reasons, or praising their bodies. (Fat bodies are to be celebrated but also people are more than their appearance and weight.) "Man, even though I shuddered when Jenny Anydots peeled off her fursuit, that Rebel Wilson (is *hot* / has such amazing comic timing)".

[jadelennox]

Damn, now I want to hook LW up with colorwheel, who has the most amazing list of fat-positive and fat-neutral kidlit.

(You have to be careful, because so many theoretically fat-positive books end with weight loss, and LW should avoid those, obviously.)

[minoanmiss]

Dear LW: I wish I'd had an aunt like you as a kid, and I recommend you talk to your niece gently and privately. Let her know she xan always come to you. Unless your sister is really inclined to listen to you, I think saying anything to her will result in a big argument over parenting and "health" at best, and her keeping you away from your niece as a"bad influence" at worst. Good luck, and thank you for caring about your niece.

[likeaduck]

I'm really curious if there is a way. I feel like there's gotta be a lot of listening to the sister's concerns to have any hope. I wonder if there are any questions the LW could ask about the situation that would start them off in a helpful direction.

[grammarwoman]

My sis-in-law M does this to her daughter L, and L has responded the same way with sneaking food and so forth. Another sis-in-law (E, M's sister) has read M the riot act about it, which is good, but I don't think M will change her position, alas.

[katiedid717]

Unpopular opinion, but I feel like the LW maybe doesn't have enough information here. I remember a similar situation happening at a family gathering when my youngest sister was around 10 or 11 - my mother snapped at her that she'd had enough junk food at a family gathering because for the past week she's been loading up on soda, chips, cookies, etc but then she "wasn't hungry" or "didn't feel good" when it was time to eat dinner. I don't think telling an 11-year-old to "quit indulging" is the same thing as fat shaming; like other commenters have pointed out, 11 is around the time that puberty and more independence start, and we don't know what other conversations could be going on at home about making healthy choices.

[conuly]

Definitely agreed.

[conuly]

Do you have a link to that list?

[shirou]

I sort of agree. My kids are 4 and 7, and we have rules about food. You only get dessert if you eat your vegetables. There isn't anything wrong with helping your kids make healthy decisions: that's part of parenting.

The problem with "quit indulging" is the implication that eating cookies is bad. It isn't a direct comment on Olive's body, but it's definitely a negative sentiment. You can create limits without the negative messaging. "Good job eating your vegetables—now you get a cookie, yay!"

[colorwheel]

my list is not posted online. as jadelennox says, there are more books nowadays that portray fat people as human and complex (rather than symbolic), but the vast majority have weight loss arcs, which is just as bad and more insidious.

for middle grade, my top rec right now is dear sweet pea by julie murphy.

[colorwheel]

i don't believe there's any chance for using the concept of "indulging" this way and not have it be about fatness. if it were about not ruining supper or not getting a bellyache (or anything else non-bigoted), that would be clear in the phrasing.

[legionseagle]

I do hope there are.

[conuly]

I've been dwelling on this comment for a few days (not enough other things to think about), and I haven't said anything because I know nobody wants unsolicited advice on children the advice-giver hasn't even met, but if you're happy to have some input, I promise I'll give it and drop it.

[shirou]

Well, okay, just as long as you aren't reading my response as a defense of the mother in the letter. I was agreeing with the commenter before me that parents need to teach their kids to make good decisions, including decisions pertaining to diet; however, I don't think that's what the mother in the letter was doing.

For context, I should say my situation is different from the one in the letter. My kids are almost underweight, especially my son, whose ADHD medicine suppresses his appetite. (We have an appointment with our pediatrician next week to discuss this.) The doctor told us our kids need to eat more, especially more protein, fat, and vegetables—not just sugar. I suppose before I had kids I would have said that I would prefer not using dessert to bribe kids into eating dinner, but hey, it works. If there's one thing I've learned about parenting, it's to use the tools that work.

[conuly]

I definitely didn't think you were on LW's sister's side or I would've said something and not hedged it like that.

Nah, what I was going to say is that in general most experts advocate not, as you put it just now, using desert as a, um, carrot for the eating of actual carrots, because you don't want to teach your kids to ignore their hunger cues. But if you're in a "gotta do what you gotta do" situation then, well, you gotta do what you gotta do.

[shirou]

Oh yeah, thanks. I do appreciate your concern. I knew about that piece of expert advice, but tbh I wonder if these experts have children. Mine would claim every day that they weren't hungry when faced with dinner and then turn around and immediately ask for chocolate pudding. I don't have the physical or mental energy to try to force them to eat, and I don't think that dynamic would be good for them. I let them choose not to eat, and I don't fight them, but they know that choice also means no dessert. Most days, they eat at least some dinner, which I count as a win. I also keep a stock of pudding and other desserts that can help pump some fat calories into them.