agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Care and Feeding,

I’m 15, and three years ago I was adopted by my Uncle “John” and his husband “Greg.” My parents lost custody of me because my dad put me in a coma (and went to jail for it), and my mom defended him because I’d been “provocative.” There’d been a lot of abuse over the years, but that was when police got involved and I went to stay with my uncles.

I was so happy when they adopted me—and then I kind of lost my mind. I behaved terribly: stole their money, deliberately broke things, skipped school, wrote homophobic things about Greg on Facebook (he found out, which was awful), and just generally acted like a nightmare brat. I genuinely can’t wrap my head around why they put up with me and didn’t throw me out of their home, but I’m so grateful to them for how kind and forgiving they’ve been to me.

A few months ago, I suddenly got some perspective on how I’d been behaving, and it felt like waking up from a trance. I apologized a lot and have just been trying very hard to be better and nicer to them since. I’ve started actually being honest with the therapist they get me to see, which is helping a lot.

My issue is that now that I’ve started behaving like an OK person again, Greg’s adult kids have started inviting me to family events that I previously would definitely have ruined or refused to go to. (I used to do a thing of complaining that Greg had “nothing to do with me,” which makes me want to curl up and die thinking about now.) There’s an event upcoming in November, and they’ve asked if I want to join them for a meal with Greg and John, and if I want to go in on a present.

I absolutely do, but I hate the thought of intruding on his family time. He hasn’t had any time with his real kids in months. I think he won’t really want me there, considering how I’ve treated him in the past. I know that he and my uncle would definitely tell me I was welcome if I asked them, but that’s because they’re too nice to say anything else. But if I skip it, they might think I’m lashing out at Greg again. What should I do? Do I go and risk intruding on his family time, or not go and risk him thinking I’m being awful again? Is there another option?

—I’m Not a Monster Anymore

Dear INaMA,

I think that you will be surprised at the amount of love and forgiveness people are prepared to show a 12-year-old who has been placed in a literal coma by their “parents” and weathered years of prior abuse. Your uncles are, as you know, wonderful people, and although I’m sure your actions were deeply painful for them, they did not boot you out because they understood why your trauma and anger might spill over onto a “safe” target. Kudos to them.

I would write a letter to your uncles. I know you have apologized, and are trying to make amends, but there is much to be said for getting everything out in a medium where no one will cut you off and say “it’s OK, it’s OK.” It’s not OK, you behaved badly, and you will feel better if you can truly get it all out on “paper.” (I assume you’ll email them, I know it’s not the 1800s.)

Once you have covered your gratitude, your behavior, your sorrow at it, and your wish to make amends, I would ask Greg if he is comfortable with you attending events with his kids, and ask him if he needs more time. Emphasize you do not want him to just say yes to make you happy, that you genuinely want to take your time proving that you are now a safe and better person.

Then trust him when he answers you. You’ll be in my thoughts.

https://slate.com/human-interest/2019/11/make-child-change-name-care-and-feeding.html

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I'm glad that his uncles seem to be on top of things, because clearly the therapy is necessary. (And finally helping!) He's not the monster here, and never was.

Oh, yes.

I saw nothing that indicated the LW's gender... did I miss something?

I saw the name "Greg" so much that it crosspollinated in my mind and I attributed a typical "Greg" pronoun to LW.

Screwed that up!

Fair enough!

I like this advice, and I'm glad that therapy is working out for this teen. It looks like they've grown a lot recently.

Oh man, I've been debating posting this one for a week. It made me cry. I want to hug LW and his uncles.

His uncles who, both of them, no doubt do consider him their "real" child, even as they understand that he has parents as well. (And I'm sure they've told him that, but he's clearly not where he can believe it yet.)

His bio parents can die in a fire and rot for all I care. No hugs for them.

Nicole gave wonderful, compassionate advice. Is this the same Nicole Cliffe who decided the one of two parents-to-be who "cared longer" should unilaterally choose the name of the child?

I just cannot figure out her swings of capability.

I just want to hug this kid and maybe feed them. I feed people I want to make feel better. It's my thing. Honest to goodness, I just. I'm so glad this kid is getting better. That's all. It's nice to see someone's life going well and someone getting better.

I wonder if the adult kids' invitation is actually the sign that they (and Greg) have forgiven LW and want to develop the relationship. After all, LW says "have started inviting me" which mean LW wasn't being invited before, which suggests that there was some distance kept between LW and Greg's kids, but also no sense of 'tiresome obligation' (being invited because it's the done thing).

That said, it's good advice to put LW's remorse down in writing, check with Greg, and carry on from there. (But I'd judge that the adult kids are able to 'forgive and open up' to LW.

I'm not even sure "forgiven" is the word. If it were me, and I knew that my father had adopted a nephew-by-marriage in this situation, I'd consider pretty much all these outbursts the way I consider outbursts from tired, stressed toddlers - out of the poor kid's control. I'd certainly say I forgave the kid if he asked, but I wouldn't consider that there's much to forgive at all. Lashing out after being saved from abusive parents is not really his fault.