this is Dear Prudence but Nicole Cliffe is subbing in for Danny Ortberg

[colorwheel]

Q. My husband and I cannot agree on our baby name: Ever since I was a little boy, I have known that I want to have a child someday and that I want to name her “Katrina Nicole.” (I am not going to put her real name here, but it is something very similar.) I don’t know why I felt so strongly about that specific name; it was just something I have always known in my heart, almost like fate. In a way, it’s like “Katrina Nicole” has always been a part of my life.

Fast forward: I am now married to a great guy and we are planning to get a child soon. But there is a problem. He was very close with his grandmother “Charlene,” who recently passed on. And now he has decided that he would like to name our daughter “Charlene,” after Granny! I told him firmly that, no, I have always known I am going to name my daughter “Katrina Nicole.” That’s just how it is. I cannot imagine naming her something else—it’s like she would be walking around with everyone calling her the wrong thing for the rest of her life.

This has become a real point of contention between us. I can’t even bring up the name “Katrina Nicole” without him getting very upset. And honestly it is now making me resentful of his grandmother, even though I know all this is not her fault. We even have gotten in several big blowouts about it in front of our friends. It doesn’t help that those friends are dismissive and hurtful over the problem and keep making suggestions for silly “compromises” that I cannot deal with. One of them even thought it was funny to recommend that we name her “Charlrina Niclene.” I know he was joking but I could have slapped him right there.

Can you settle this for us once and for all? My husband says it should be his decision because “Charlene” is a family name and is more meaningful, but I say it should be mine since I feel much more strongly about it and made this decision years ago. Plus “Charlene” is not exactly fashionable. (It makes me think of the elderly woman from that old show The Facts of Life.) Who is right? We have agreed to follow your decision.

A: You have cared longer. Because you have agreed to follow my decision (thank you for placing that trust in me), it’s Katrina Nicole. If you have a second kid, your husband gets to pick their name. (You can retain veto power; use it wisely and sparingly.)

And I assure you I do not have a dog in this fight, as “Nicole” is not actually part of the proposed name.

Comments

[ambyr]

...can we please have Daniel back? Please?

[shirou]

No kidding, Nicole's advice has been terrible lately.

On top of the naming nonsense: you "get" a coke or a dog, but you do not "get" a child.

[movingfinger]

That bothers me. The child is the ultimate accessory.

[conuly]

YES.

[kukla_red]

Thank you - yes!! One does not "get" a child. That really bothers me.

[cereta]

Seriously.

[lemonsharks]

One more dollar in the "how are these people REAL" jar.

Also LW's been attached to his fave name longer, but his husband's grief is fresh and deep. So....I'd call that even?

[lannamichaels]

...I know a number of children with three names. Both is good.gif

And then compromise on a nickname by just calling her Junior.

[colorwheel]

i'm so uneasy with arriving into a marriage convinced that you know in advance and have the right to know in advance what you'll be naming a baby -- a baby that two of you in this marriage will be parenting.

[cynthia1960]

Oh yes

[cimorene]

+2, this exactly. This person is offended by the idea of veto power? Fighting in front of other people about it? Resenting the dead family member? I foresee a lot of bad scenes in decision-making in your relationship!! Not to mention a fixation of this level on the name sounds a little unhealthy and I'm not sure it's a good idea to attach that to any small humans at all.

[azurelunatic]

Don't "get" a child while this is outstanding as an Issue. Please.

[ayebydan]

This

[cereta]

YOU ARE NOT READY TO HAVE A CHILD TOGETHER.

Seriously.

A. How did the two of you not discuss this, like, when you started getting serious about becoming parents? I mean, something so important to you? Or did you husband agree to this and change his mind?

B. More importantly, what else haven't you discussed?

C. "That's just how it is" is a very, very, very bad way to enter any mutual parenting decision, let alone something that is (and I say this as someone very attached to her child's name) not really hugely important. I mean, I could see this on something like medical care or religion or education (although, again, see "B"; you need to talk about this stuff before an actual child is involved).

D. All that said, you seem to have invested a lot into a an image of a child, and I hope you know that your actualfax child may not match your expectations. Brace yourself for the day she decides she wants to be called "Katy." Or "Charlene." Or "Tom."

[harpers_child]

Thank you for making the words for my feels.

[laurajv]

*like button*

[melannen]

I think there's only one fair solution for this. We'll cut the kid in half, and each of you get to name your half.

[minoanmiss]

Well said, Sol.

[likeaduck]

...would we read Solomon's advice column?

[conuly]

...yeah, probably.

[melannen]

...I would.

Honestly, between this, quoting the most cynical parts of Ecclesiastes at people, "give her all she desires, whatsoever she asks" and the last-ditch advice of "acquire a magic ring that lets you control demons" we could do pretty well.

[rosefox]

"Let him die rather than she should converse with him from behind a fence!"

[ashbet]

I think the LW said “get” because they’re both men, so “have” may not have felt right.

I had an extremely strong preference for my daughter’s name, because it came to me in a dream, years before she was conceived.

I would have been open to adding another middle name, though.

[ambyr]

Yes, I assume “get” meant they were still debating between adoption and surrogacy.

[conuly]

Even "Put both names in a hat, draw one" would've been better advice.

[tielan]

A series of steps:

1. Do not acquire a child by any means, biological, or adoptive.

2. If you fail at #1: Do not call it by either name at this point. Call your child by some other name entirely. One with no family connotations.

I am deadly serious about this. Because man, I'd hate to be a kid who got the name that the other parent didn't want. And know about it. Because this is apparently IMPORTANT.

[harpers_child]

1. That's not advice. I'm not sure what that is except bad.
2. Do not have a child. Do not. Bad idea.
3. Please go to marriage counseling. You seem to need to have a whole bunch of conversations and are unable to have them on your own.

[cimorene]

Actually, in fact, I feel like not only is having a CHILD bad for this couple, any couple this bad at making mutual decisions are possibly not even ready to be married. You have to have a method of arriving at a mutual decision! It's like... Thing One that you need to make this work!

Also, not only is the advice bad but like... why is she giving advance veto power to Mr Opinions here who clearly needs no assertiveness training without granting veto power in the first case to his spouse? Wow.

[ayebydan]

Do not become parents to anything larger than a hamster.

Also, while I am usually the one going 'advice columns can't just say go to therapy all the time because it doesn't work like that/x nations don't have that'....go to therapy because you clearly both need it for different reasons. Husband A is being a controlling fool and more than a bit obsessive. This child won't be a child to him. It is a caricature of his childhood daydreams. That is not the mindset to take into being a parent. You cannot plan your life like that. Husband B could have had truly horrendous experiences with people with those names. Also, get a child? Son get in the bin. It does not say how they plan to go abut 'getting' this child but nothing here confirms they are guaranteed a child AFAB.

Husband B clearly needs therapy or to see a Doctor in general for his grief which is clearly raw, deep and not being helped by his partner.

I do think a parent should be able to 'veto' a name but only if that power is equal.

[cynthia1960]

I wouldn't inflict these people on an innocent hamster until they get their shit together.

[rosefox]

Nicole, what... what are you doing. This is like borrowing Danny's house, breaking the windows, shredding the upholstery, and shitting in the back corner of the linen closet where no one will find the source of the smell for weeks.

From the comments:

Q. Re: My husband and I cannot agree on our baby name: Am I the only one who thinks that the guys who can’t settle on a name have no business being parents? Seriously, they both made unilateral decisions about the name of a child who isn’t even in the picture yet? If this is how they are going to parent a child, this is not going to go well.

A: I believe many of us have this concern. And, most importantly, there is no baby yet. Use that time to get better at arguing.

At least they successfully made a joint decision to ask me to name their child! I’m mad with power.

IF YOU HAVE THAT CONCERN MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE FRONTLOADED IT

"Get better at arguing"???

[laurajv]

I’m so mad at Nicole right now