Dear Abby: always a bridesmaid

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: I have been asked to be a bridesmaid in my best friend's wedding. I am more than delighted she wants me and honored to have been asked. However, this will be my third wedding as a bridesmaid.

I have been told, "Three times a bridesmaid, never a bride." Abby, is this true? If so, how can I gently let her know I can't be in her wedding for fear of never being married myself, because her wedding will be my third trip to the altar as a bridesmaid? -- ENOUGH ALREADY

DEAR ENOUGH ALREADY: I don't know where that saying came from, but my advice is not to dwell on the negative. There is another old saying that could apply here. It's "three times is the charm." In other words, if you agree to be your best friend's bridesmaid, it's possible you could meet your future husband at the wedding. Which one you choose to believe is up to you.

Comments

[cereta]

Okay, for the sake of answering with anything other than, "HUH?", I'm going to do two things:

1. Assume this saying is real and not a practical joke played on a gullible LW, even though I've never heard of it.

2. Assume that the LW does not think that a third time as a bridesmaid will literally doom her to spinsterhood, but does believe that being a frequent bridesmaid while being unmarried lowers her chances of marriage. And in fairness, pop culture does like painting a correlation there.

Now watch as I try to make some sense of this. Notice my hands never leave my arms.

I would say that there's some post hoc ergo propter hoc thinking going on here. It is actually probably true that an unmarried woman who is frequently a bridesmaid in her friends' weddings may be more likely to remain unmarried than, say, a person who is not a chronically unmarried bridesmaid in her friends' weddings, but that's because statistically, as a woman (or just a person, even) gets older, the odds of them getting married go down. And there are lots of reasons for that, but the number of times you put on a froofy dress isn't one of them. If you're frequently the unmarried bridesmaid in your group of friends, its because you are unmarried, not because you're being a bridesmaid.

Thank you, I'll be here all week.

(Seriously, is this letter for real?)

[hunningham]

It's a real saying. A stupid one, but it's out there. But yes, my response to the question would also be "no, this is not true and why on earth should anyone believe it?"

What might be useful is giving the letter-writer a snappy snarky comeback for all those people who might (will) come up during the wedding and tell her she'll never be a bride. Family weddings - known for bringing out all the tact and sensibility in people.

[vass]

It's definitely a real superstition. A very old-fashioned one, though.

[rymenhild]

It shows up in one of the Anne books, probably Anne of Windy Poplars.

[pensnest]

I've certainly heard the saying often enough, but my response would be along the lines of OH FOR GOD'S SAKE, WOMAN!

I do hope it's a joke letter.

[torachan]

It's definitely a real saying, and one I've heard many times, but always as a joke, not as a real superstition. I'm really surprised the letter writer is taking it seriously, though.

[adrian_turtle]

It is a real saying and not an entirely stupid one. It makes sense for people who choose spouses from relatively small, relatively closed, groups. (People who went to Hogwarts at the same time. Avonlea.) In that case, it's slightly more specific than just getting older. If your friends are all getting married and you aren't, they are "using up" the limited pool of available spouses. But it doesn't matter if you go to their weddings or not.

For people who look for spouses from a larger society (NYC. Fandom.) the model breaks down altogether.