agonyaunt | (no subject)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I got married recently, and I now know that my wife is a horrible cook. We had never talked about cooking. I don’t cook, but I assumed that she could and would. I realize that this is old-fashioned thinking, but I believed it nonetheless. She is trying, but she really can’t cook, and it’s hard to eat what she prepares. I feel like a hypocrite in a way. I expect my wife to cook well, and I am mad that she can’t. What should I do? -- Bad Cook

DEAR BAD COOK: You have a couple of things to deal with. For starters, trying to run your life based upon an archaic conception of gender roles is not serving you, nor does it need to. Let that go. Instead, talk to your wife openly. Tell her you didn’t realize that she hadn’t learned to cook, as you have not either. Suggest that you learn together, and take turns preparing the family meal -- or even cook together, which creates another level of bonding for you.

Consider taking a cooking class or purchasing interesting cookbooks and perusing the recipes. Make it fun to learn to cook so that you do not insult her or judge your old ways too harshly. Instead, carve a new path together that is equally supportive.

https://www.uexpress.com/sense-and-sensitivity/2019/10/19/1/friends-comments-about-husband-cross-the

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How did either one of them survive before marriage? Well, I guess they each ordered out a lot. If marriage means they're now sharing expenses, then they can probably afford to keep doing that. Problem more or less solved.

Or they ate peanut butter sandwiches, or the wife likes her own cooking.

But, yeah. If the LW was happy before, he can keep doing what used to do. That being said, the answer is so close to right. It shouldn't be Tell her you didn’t realize that she hadn’t learned to cook, as you have not either but Wife, I realise neither of us are good cooks. How do you feel about us both learning together! I found this cooking class / great series of youtube videos / personal mentor."

Or, like you said, they can keep doing their own thing.

I am here to testify that a lot of what one "cooks" when single can be, shall we say, be tailored to a person's tastes and ingredients and be absolutely awful to other people. And then, there's take-out.

My guess is that they both come from a culture where you live with your parents before you get married. Possibly it's an arranged marriage.

LW's options include cooking classes, prepackaged food delivery services like Blue Apron or Dinnerly, or just watching simpler YouTube videos on how to cook. I'd recommend YouTube to get them through scrambled eggs, easy homemade pasta sauces, and soups/stews. The delivery services are better when you have a decent cooking baseline to work with.

And yes, the gendered assumption has to go. There's the sexism, and there's also the basic reality that sooner or later everyone needs to be able to feed themselves.

I'm friends with twin sisters who turned 30 and realized they didn't know how to cook, so they started doing Hello Fresh boxes so that they cooked a few nights a week. Total game changer for them

Figuring out what to make and acquiring the correct ingredients are surprisingly difficult tasks when you don't know what you're doing. Meal boxes are helpful at getting around those hurdles, and successfully making something new is a great way to build confidence in your cooking skills.

Harriette's answer was within visual distance of the right one, mirabile visu.

Honestly, I kind of think LW deserves to starve, unless he just stumbled out of a time portal from 1950 or something. He assumed his wife could and SHOULD cook?! I wouldn't cook for him and I love to cook.

I KNOW RIGHT.

Honestly, I kind of think LW deserves to starve, unless he just stumbled out of a time portal from 1950 or something. He assumed his wife could and SHOULD cook?! I wouldn't cook for him and I love to cook.

Seriously.

Seriously, especially when that expectation apparently overrode all physical evidence.

He assumed his wife could and SHOULD cook?!

And that he's mad that she can't!

WHAT.

LW is at least showing a shred of self-awareness. I think he can be salvaged.

I would pitch cooking classes as a good thing, not a value judgment on his wife's cooking. "Darling Wife, I want to learn to cook some new things so that I can cook for you sometimes! Since I know nothing about cooking, I'd love if you would take the Weenie Hut Jr Kitchen Basics Class and the Weeknight Staples Class with me. After those I'd love to take [[class on cuisine we both love]] or [[other class on cuisine we both love]]."

And then dude has to follow through on cooking for his wife sometimes. Like, at least a couple of times a week if she likes cooking--more if she doesn't like cooking. Otherwise ... I hope they like pizza?

I'd agree with the chorus of "learn to cook basic stuff and/or budget for lots of takeout and premade meals" and also add some advice to dig into what other assumptions he's made about things like cleaning, childcare if they have kids, who gets what kind of leisure time... those assumptions tend to come bundled together, and LW could save himself and his wife a lot of grief by deconstructing as much of his ingrained sexist worldview as he can, as soon as possible.

He gets that there's a problem, and that his expectations do not match reality! He has some sense of how unfair it is to expect her to have skills and perform labor that he never brought up with her, and doesn't want to do himself! This is good. Now he can start the real work, and try to be a good person and a good spouse, instead of leaving landmines undisturbed until they blow up his marriage.

On Harriette's scale, this is a stellar answer. Forget your sexist expectations and learn to cook, buddy. I do all the cooking for my family. It's rewarding!