Dear Prudence: Should I Tell My Wife My Step-Daughter Had Sex?

[cereta]

Dear Prudence,
While my wife of eight years was traveling out of the country, my 14-year-old stepdaughter, with whom I have a close and trusting relationship, told me she had unprotected sex with a boy her age and is worried she might get pregnant. I was honestly shocked. She is definitely not mature enough either physically or mentally to be having sex, but I tried to keep calm and not chastise her, which would only lead to her clamming up. I am really at a loss about what to do here. She made me promise I wouldn’t tell her mom. I’m afraid that if I do, my stepdaughter would hate me and never be able to freely talk about it with either of us. We are quite open about sexual education at home, in the sense that we’ve always tried to tell it like it is and give her as much information as we could so that, when the time comes, she would be better prepared, know the boundaries of consent, and not be afraid to talk to us.

Of course, upon her confession, I reminded her about all the dangers associated with sex, especially at such a young age, and I tried to calm her down as she grew more distressed by telling her that we would love her and be by her side no matter what, even if I was quite disappointed by her behavior. Now the question is: Should I tell her mom about all of this, and if so, how should I approach the subject? I feel it’s such an important event that her mom should definitely be involved. I have tried to persuade my stepdaughter to talk to her directly, to no avail. On the other side, I do not want to break the girl’s trust in me, as it could backfire in the future. I can’t sleep at night because of this. I am concerned for her mental and physical well-being. I really think her mother should be involved, but how?
—Sexually Active Teenager

Your first priority should be to schedule a doctor’s appointment to have your stepdaughter take a pregnancy test and talk about contraception and when to start incorporating pelvic exams and STI testing into her checkups (and prenatal care, abortion, and adoption, if necessary) so she’s aware of all her options and knows how to stay safe when she has sex in the future, whether that be six months or six years.

As for whether to tell your wife, it feels significant that your stepdaughter waited until her mother was out of town to talk to you, so there may be some reason—real or imagined—that she doesn’t trust her mom to handle this information. I think you should continue to gently encourage her (although not constantly) to talk to her mom, reminding her that her mom has promised to be in her corner and support her when it comes to sex. Offer to help her with a script or to provide moral support during the conversation, if she’d like. However, if your stepdaughter is pregnant, it’s going to be nearly impossible to keep her mom out of the loop. But 14, while definitely young, is also legally old enough to make reproductive choices. And her choice, at least for now, is to share that with you and not her mother.

If you decide this isn’t a secret you feel prepared to keep, tell your stepdaughter, “I’ve thought about it, and I can’t honor my promise to keep this a secret from your mom. I understand this may upset you, but she’s your mother, and this is something I’m not comfortable keeping from her.” Then offer her the chance to approach her mom first. If she declines, you don’t have to come up with a special plan for telling your wife. Just tell her what happened, explain that you decided you’d want to know in her position, and talk to her about planning that doctor visit.

I’d also encourage you to ease off of the warnings. She’s already had sex, she’s freaked out, and it doesn’t sound like she’s on the verge of dropping out of school or making any other big, life-altering decisions. I think it’ll be better for everyone if you live up to your original goal: that she can come and talk to you about anything, that you’re there to listen and to help, and that you want to help her access every resource available to stay safe.

https://slate.com/human-interest/2019/09/dear-prudence-peanut-allergy-friend-dinners.html

Comments

[ayebydan]

In Scotland we don't have yearly check ups the way the State do (as I understand it) but then I guess we are more often at our GP in general as we don't have to worry about insurance and payments ect. So, I mean if that is the way over there sure but from my experiences here just make sure the girl is or isn't pregnant. Find out, if you can, who she had sex with. If it is another teen at school it is unlikely she has an STI and the circumstances should dictate what sort of tests she gets.

There is no reason to subject her to a full pelvic exam unless she is pregnant or confirmed to have an infection.

If the girl is pregnant then it is ultimatum time. 'I won't keep something like this from my wife so how do you want to share this info?'

Absolutely say you will be there, hold her hand, and be a force with her. She clearly feels she can go to the other parent figure over her mom so give her that security.

But more than that? She's already had sex. Fear won't stop her other than if she's afraid herself of a pregnancy scare. Make sure she can come to you, and then her mom, for contraception and that is probably the best way forward.

[lemonsharks]

Most important thing: highly effective birth control. Implant, shot, IUD -- set it and forget it kind of birth control. ESPECIALLY if mom is likely to have moral or religious objections. And a supply of condoms to go with the STI talk.

Second most important thing: talking to her about why she doesn't feel comfortable talking about this with her mom. All other actions will flow from there.

[cereta]

This is genuinely one of my big internal battles as a mother. I've tried very, very hard to have the kind of relationship with my daughter where she can come to me in a situation like this. OTOH, I've also tried to cultivate her relationships with a few, select other adults she can trust, precisely so she has someone to go to if for some reason she feels like she can't come to me. As much as I want to yell, "tell her!", I think stepdad should keep her confidence.

[shirou]

If you decide this isn’t a secret you feel prepared to keep, tell your stepdaughter, “I’ve thought about it, and I can’t honor my promise to keep this a secret from your mom. I understand this may upset you, but she’s your mother, and this is something I’m not comfortable keeping from her.” Then offer her the chance to approach her mom first. If she declines, you don’t have to come up with a special plan for telling your wife. Just tell her what happened, explain that you decided you’d want to know in her position, and talk to her about planning that doctor visit.

I really like this advice. I'm not going to weigh in on whether to tell the mother—I would make that decision based on particulars we don't know—but I love this explanation of how to tell the mother (if LW does so) in an honest, transparent way.

[cereta]

Agreed.

[mommy]

I can't comment on whether or not to tell the mother. Different families have different family dynamics. What I can suggest is bringing up the idea of birth control options. You don't have to divulge secrets in order for the daughter to have a birth control prescription.

[ashbet]

I did the same — tried (and, I think, succeeded) to be a safe person for my daughter to come to, but also having several very close trusted adults that she could talk to, and hooking her up with Scarleteen for access to anonymous, accurate sex/relationship/body-development advice.

Getting the stepdaughter to a doc for pregnancy testing and birth control should come first, and I think Daniel’s advice on how to handle the situation was excellent.

[minoanmiss]

Yes, this.

[likeaduck]

Just a note--"If it is another teen at school it is unlikely she has an STI" is true if the other teen was also not sexually active previously, but not necessarily otherwise. (The CDC is not my favourite source for STI info because they lean towards scaremongering a bit, but here: https://www.cdc.gov/std/stats17/adolescents.htm) But most STI testing can be done pretty non-invasively, so I'm with you on avoiding the pelvic exam (or any unnecessarily invasive procedures) until it's actually necessary (unless she wants an IUD).

[likeaduck]

I work with young teens who are worried about being pregnant all the time and I'm so glad I don't have to make decisions about whether to tell their parents--my work is confidential, it's totally their call who to tell, and I really do trust they are making the decisions that are best for them about that. I think there are times when the conversation about what they're worried about happening if they tell someone vs. whether that person could be a support if they did can be a productive one though! (But also I am not invested in them deciding one way or the other so it's maybe easier for me to have that convo in a way that feels supportive and non-pressurey.)

[conuly]

If this is NOT a teen at school then we seriously have to consider if this should be reported tot he police.