Dear Prudence: Should I Tell My Wife My Step-Daughter Had Sex?

[cereta]

Dear Prudence,
While my wife of eight years was traveling out of the country, my 14-year-old stepdaughter, with whom I have a close and trusting relationship, told me she had unprotected sex with a boy her age and is worried she might get pregnant. I was honestly shocked. She is definitely not mature enough either physically or mentally to be having sex, but I tried to keep calm and not chastise her, which would only lead to her clamming up. I am really at a loss about what to do here. She made me promise I wouldn’t tell her mom. I’m afraid that if I do, my stepdaughter would hate me and never be able to freely talk about it with either of us. We are quite open about sexual education at home, in the sense that we’ve always tried to tell it like it is and give her as much information as we could so that, when the time comes, she would be better prepared, know the boundaries of consent, and not be afraid to talk to us.

Of course, upon her confession, I reminded her about all the dangers associated with sex, especially at such a young age, and I tried to calm her down as she grew more distressed by telling her that we would love her and be by her side no matter what, even if I was quite disappointed by her behavior. Now the question is: Should I tell her mom about all of this, and if so, how should I approach the subject? I feel it’s such an important event that her mom should definitely be involved. I have tried to persuade my stepdaughter to talk to her directly, to no avail. On the other side, I do not want to break the girl’s trust in me, as it could backfire in the future. I can’t sleep at night because of this. I am concerned for her mental and physical well-being. I really think her mother should be involved, but how?
—Sexually Active Teenager

Your first priority should be to schedule a doctor’s appointment to have your stepdaughter take a pregnancy test and talk about contraception and when to start incorporating pelvic exams and STI testing into her checkups (and prenatal care, abortion, and adoption, if necessary) so she’s aware of all her options and knows how to stay safe when she has sex in the future, whether that be six months or six years.

As for whether to tell your wife, it feels significant that your stepdaughter waited until her mother was out of town to talk to you, so there may be some reason—real or imagined—that she doesn’t trust her mom to handle this information. I think you should continue to gently encourage her (although not constantly) to talk to her mom, reminding her that her mom has promised to be in her corner and support her when it comes to sex. Offer to help her with a script or to provide moral support during the conversation, if she’d like. However, if your stepdaughter is pregnant, it’s going to be nearly impossible to keep her mom out of the loop. But 14, while definitely young, is also legally old enough to make reproductive choices. And her choice, at least for now, is to share that with you and not her mother.

If you decide this isn’t a secret you feel prepared to keep, tell your stepdaughter, “I’ve thought about it, and I can’t honor my promise to keep this a secret from your mom. I understand this may upset you, but she’s your mother, and this is something I’m not comfortable keeping from her.” Then offer her the chance to approach her mom first. If she declines, you don’t have to come up with a special plan for telling your wife. Just tell her what happened, explain that you decided you’d want to know in her position, and talk to her about planning that doctor visit.

I’d also encourage you to ease off of the warnings. She’s already had sex, she’s freaked out, and it doesn’t sound like she’s on the verge of dropping out of school or making any other big, life-altering decisions. I think it’ll be better for everyone if you live up to your original goal: that she can come and talk to you about anything, that you’re there to listen and to help, and that you want to help her access every resource available to stay safe.

https://slate.com/human-interest/2019/09/dear-prudence-peanut-allergy-friend-dinners.html