Ask Amy: I've Taken on the Task of Digitizing My Family's Old Negatives and Slides

[ambyr]

Dear Amy: I've taken on the task of digitizing my family's old negatives and slides. It's a lot of work, but so worth it!

As I've been processing the pictures from my childhood, I've come across several pictures my dad took of my mom that were clearly not meant to be seen by their daughter.

Once I realized what they were, I quickly set them aside and have not digitized them.

My parents have been divorced for almost 20 years. I'm sure my mom doesn't want my dad to have these photos, but I don't know how to ask if she wants them back, both because they are personal and because it wasn't the easiest divorce, and mention of my dad is still awkward.

The negatives are useless until they are digitized, which would fall to me. What do I do with them?


Digi-Don’t: Put these negatives into an envelope and give them to your mother. That’s it. Tell her, “I wasn’t sure what to do with these, so I’ll let you decide. If you want me to go ahead and digitize them, I’m happy to do that.”

These photos are your mother’s property, and she should have the right to make a decision about them. I see no reason to involve or invoke your father.

Comments

[ambyr]

So, okay, I realize advice columnists are often working from longer versions of letters than what we see, but I see very little in the letter to indicate that LW got the negatives from her mom and not from her dad. Yeah, there's "if she wants them back," but that just as easily parses as, "if she wants them back from dad." And logically I would assume that racy negatives of Person A probably came from Person B, The Photographer, because the photographer, not the subject, is usually the person who hangs onto negatives.

...in which case, I will grant the moral point that racy pictures of a woman are that woman's property to dispose of, but I don't know that revealing to mom that dad has been hanging onto these negatives for all these years is likely to have any positive outcome.

[misbegotten]

"Hanging onto the negatives" implies he actively saved them. Which could be the case, of course. But presumably the negatives weren't hidden in his sock drawer. If the dad is anything like members of my clan, he took the pictures and then promptly forgot about them once they were put into a box.

Having said that, I agree that introducing the negatives to the mom isn't likely to have a positive outcome if "it wasn't the easiest divorce" etc. Personally, I'd just destroy them and move on. I think LW wanted Amy to say exactly that, but instead she got an ultimatum to give them to the mother. Meh.

At least Amy gave her a good script.

[melannen]

Yeah, there's really different advice here depending on who had possession of the photos (also depending on what the goal of digitizing them is! Was the plan always that mom and dad would both get a full set of copies? or what? And how does that fit with the mere mention of dad being awkward - presumably he will turn up in a lot of these photos!)

If Mom had the photos Amy's advice, I think, is good.

If Dad had the photos, and you trust dad to not be an asshole about it, I would probably go to Dad w something like "there were some photos of Mom I thought neither of you would want to share, so I've set them aside," and see where the convo goes from there.

[resonant]

I think the photos are OF the mother, and therefore the photos are the property of the mother, regardless of who originally had possession of them.

As a practical matter, I think quietly destroying them is a solution with much to recommend it. But I do think that in the absence of something like a signed release form, a photo should be assumed to belong by right to the person it’s a photo of, especially if it’s a photo of a private nature.

[shirou]

The letter doesn't say much about LW's level of comfort handling photos "clearly not meant to be seen by [her parents'] daughter." If she's comfortable doing what Amy suggests, fine. She could also return the photos without offering to digitize them, or she could simply forget she found them. I think any of those options would be fine.

[cereta]

I would only add that if she chooses the third option, she should destroy the negatives. Otherwise, someone else who probably shouldn't see them will see them, and God only knows what they'll choose to do with them. No amount of precaution will prevent them from ending up in a great-great-grandchild's senior Art project if they're left for future generations.

[shirou]

I dunno, I rather agree with the commenters below who say the negatives aren't LW's to destroy. LW can choose not to get involved by simply ignoring what she found, but she doesn't know her mother wants the photos destroyed or have her mother's consent to destroy them.

[cereta]

If they aren't hers to destroy, then surely they aren't hers to keep. I'm not saying that destroying them is the right decision, but if she chooses to "simply forget she found them," then she's basically leaving them in a nebulous "tomorrow problem" state which puts them even further out of her mother's control than they are now. It just seems to me that there's a valid binary, here: either the LW chooses to give control of them to her mother, in which case Mom can make the decision, or she takes control of them herself, in which case she ought to destroy them so they don't fall into someone else's hands. If she doesn't have consent to destroy them, she definitely doesn't have consent to share them, which is what keeping them amounts to.

[lavendertook]

I think Amy's advice is perfect except I'd include the pics with the negatives, not knowing more about mom, her sex-positivity levels and that of the LW, how she would feel about 20 year old pictures of her body or the photo shoots, and the relationship between mom and LW.

No matter if the photos were in one big pile, in the mom's or father's possession, it's possible her mom would be happy to see these photos, so they should not be destroyed.

[ashbet]

I think that destroying the negatives, without consulting either party, is extremely high-handed (and might be a terrible mistake -- I doubt either parent intended for the daughter to see them, but those photos might be treasured, and they're definitely irreplaceable.)

To me, it sounded like Amy got confused, and that the photos came from Dad -- in which case, I'd return the negatives to him, without digitizing them.

I can see a family rift developing between the daughter and one or both of her parents if she destroyed pictures without permission, or gave away one of her parents' property to the other.

(Yes, I think the mother should consent before the pics are digitized or developed, but they aren't the daughter's to dispose of.)

[lavendertook]

I don't think Amy got confused. I think she is prioritizing the mother's right to the pics and negatives of herself that LW is euphemistically making us believe are of a sexually compromising nature in today's society. She should have rights to her her own sexual body images, even if he was the photographer and had possession of them.

I'm assuming all the pics are in a 'belonging to the family" zoned pile, without one family member laying claim to them, but regardless, I agree they should be given to the mother and not the father. If they were important to the father to possess, he would not have left them in the pile, so it is not likely to be an issue with the father unless LW makes it one with him. Even if he were very serious about the art of photography. But they could have very negative consequences for the the mother, not the father, if anyone put them online; therefore, LW should give them to the mother because it's her body.

[ashbet]

I would be LIVID if someone gave away my art or the originals of my photography, regardless of the subject.

I do get where you’re coming from (as someone who has been both photographer and model, personal and professional), but the daughter was entrusted with these negatives by (it sounds like) both of her parents, and while the nudes/whatever may have been inadvertently included, I don’t think she has the right to give them away, rather than return them.

[cereta]

I can see this from an artistic point of view, and I would definitely feel differently about pictures taken by a photographer or artist for artistic purposes, but I'm guessing that these pictures were never intended for anyone but Mom and her intimate partner (and the people who developed them, but that's an old can of worms, and I say that having been that person a few very awkward times). If Mom and Dad were still together, or even if their divorce had been amicable, I would be okay with asking Dad about it, but, man, things like this are why I tell my daughter to never, ever, let anyone take nude pics of her for ANY reason (nor to take any herself), often enough that she rolls her eyes when I say it. And I'm still scared sometimes. Revenge porn is a real thing, and while I'm not suggesting that Dad would do this, I think a default of "nude photographs taken by an intimate partner" belong in a special class in situations like this.

[cereta]

Many, many, many years ago, I let a boyfriend take nude polaroids of me. When I got engaged to my current spouse, he sent them to me, with an apology for not doing so when we first "broke up" (we were longtime friends who has a six-month insanity; he walked my mom in at my wedding, so obviously there were no hard feelings). He may have taken the pictures, but they were of me, in a very vulnerable situation. I destroyed them, but if I hadn't, and someone else had found them, I'd have been pretty upset if they decided they belonged to him. I'd imagine his wife would be, too ;).