Ask Amy: Mother in recovery struggles with amends

[conuly]

Dear Amy: I am a recovering alcoholic and the mother of two beautiful adult daughters.

While I have been sober for seven years, my relationship with my oldest daughter, now 30, is nonexistent.

I continue to do the work I need to do through a 12-step program, but her estrangement puzzles me. She said she could not have a relationship with me unless I quit drinking. Well, I did quit drinking.

I have attempted to make amends for not being more present as her mother during those years when drinking took over my life.

I have continued to send random texts letting her know that I think about her. I've sent care packages, as well as birthday and Christmas gifts.

She always replies with a cordial text, thanking me and telling me it was thoughtful and kind of me to do so.

She left home before she turned 16. I've seen her maybe five times in 15 years. She is a virtual stranger to me, and I feel that my efforts are useless.

Some people tell me that "she'll come around," but others tell me to stop my efforts and move on.

Amy, I've carried sadness and regret over this broken relationship for 15 years.

I'm losing hope.

Any suggestions?

-- Don't Know How to Let Go

Dear Don't Know: Apologizing is a "call to action" for the other person. When you apologize, you are asking the person to forgive you, and to actively move on in a relationship with you.

Making amends is a personal call to action for YOU. You are the one who will work the change, regardless of the outcome.

What a sad, challenging childhood your daughter had! She likely faced the burden of not only trying to mother you, but to try to shield and protect her younger sister. And then when other girls her age had far lighter burdens, she had reached her limit and was out of the house.

You cannot undo the past. You can only treat her with loving kindness now.

You are doing that. You are also hoping to persuade or manipulate her into a fuller relationship with you.

You are doing what you need to do for your recovery. But what about her recovery? Being in a closer relationship with you might not be good or healthy for her.

You should continue to love her anyway, in the way that you are doing.

Her cordial and kind responses to you are evidence that she values your efforts, and that is something. It might have to be enough for you.


https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2272283?fs

Comments

[conuly]

The fact that dear old Mom is "puzzled" that her daughter is unwilling to be closer to her just because Mom is sober now goes a very long way towards explaining why their relationship is merely "cordial".

[rmc28]

Yes! I mean, I was thinking "great, your daughter responds pleasantly to all your gifts and random texts! There are no indications she wants you to stop them!" It could be a lot worse.

"She said she could not have a relationship with me unless I quit drinking. Well, I did quit drinking." ... and LW has a relationship with the daughter. I think you are right that her "puzzlement" on this issue is a reason why daughter doesn't want to meet often.

[redbird]

There's a difference between "we can't have a relationship unless you quit drinking" and "if you quit drinking, we will have the relationship you want." Both the difference between "this is necessary" (if she drinks, there is no relationship) and "this is sufficient" (if she stops drinking, there will be a relationship, she need do nothing else) and between "a relationship" and "the kind of relationship LW would like with the child that she neglected for years."

The alcohol isn't a red herring, but it seems to have the LW thinking that the only thing wrong is that she wasn't "more present," and therefore that her daughter will consider her mother's presence as a way of making amends, not as a request of or burden on the daughter.

[cereta]

That is a very good distinction.

[watersword]

There's a difference between "we can't have a relationship unless you quit drinking" and "if you quit drinking, we will have the relationship you want."

QFT.

[minoanmiss]

Well and excellently said.

[movingfinger]

Beautifully and precisely put.

[conuly]

There's a difference between "we can't have a relationship unless you quit drinking" and "if you quit drinking, we will have the relationship you want."

Hear, hear.

[lilysea]

Dear LW,

Sometimes, when a parent is abusive or neglectful during childhood/teenagerhood,

the adult child cannot resume the relationship without having undergoing extensive psychological therapy.

And not all of us have the money, time, or emotional energy for that.

She is probably doing what she needs to do to keep herself emotionally safe.

You could write to her and say

"I know I hurt you, I'm really sorry, and I am open to paying for you to see a psychologist to help heal the trauma that I inflicted on you."

you could also offer to pay for family therapy for the two of you.

But after that, leave it alone! and let her come to you.

[beable]

Holy crap, is this a decent answer from Amy?

I am astounded, I am agog.

(Also LW: "making amends" also means owning your shit and recognizing that you are not owed forgiveness when you make amends)

[cereta]

Holy crap, is this a decent answer from Amy?

I know! I'm stunned.


And people often forget the way 12-step programs address making amends: "[Make] direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others." Right now, LW's daughter's priority is, and should be, getting or keeping herself healthy and happy, and if a closer relationship with Mom is going to impede that, Mom should back off, and a real recovery process would have told her that.

[movingfinger]

I have a sense that LW thinks that a couple decades of birthday presents and camp care packages are what is meant by "amends," and she is frantically focusing on these kinds of lacks from her children's childhoods instead of stepping back and figuring out what it means to be an adult ex-alcoholic parent of adult women who have learned to get along without her. She is still considering only her own needs in pursuing the relationship (she doesn't mention the other daughter? At least she isn't being put in the middle?).