Family Friend Sees Generosity as Charity

[conuly]

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have three children who grew up as close friends to a neighbor of their age. She was (and is) treated as my third daughter, included in trips, etc. At the time, we were not well off financially, but she shared in what we had.

Many years have passed, and she is married with two children. She and her husband both work, but they are not as prosperous as one or two of my children. She and her family are still included in our family vacations, some of which are chosen based on the financial strain it will put on them to travel.

In the past, I have paid their hotel bill, but it led to an almost knock-down-drag-out fight with her husband, who looked on my gesture as charity.

As I explained to him, some of us are more fortunate than others in the financial area, through no fault or skill of either. What is the point of having money if I can’t spend it (in reasonable amounts) so that I can enjoy things with friends and family?

Her son is graduating high school and will be going away to college, primarily on scholarship. I want to send him more than a token cash gift. How do I do that without entering into a discussion that will cause hurt feelings? Can I gift him directly and ask him not to tell his parents? Seems rather underhanded and deceitful.

Do I have a frank discussion with the parents before sending him something? Any suggestions?

GENTLE READER: Assuring his father that it was not his fault that he is poor does not appear to have gone over well.

Putting aside the question of whether or not this should have come as a surprise, it should have been a warning. That you have money, and are willing to share it, does not exempt you from considering others’ feelings. If being the recipient of your generosity makes them uncomfortable, Miss Manners urges you to moderate your giving -- not find better ways to push your generosity on them. And do not send cash as a present to their son.

Comments

[cimorene]

This person seems to have a rather common wealthier family member or upper middle class attitude to money, which is understandably alienating to some people with less (even if it only works on ones who were already sensitive or taking it Very Seriously, it becomes a sore point only because the rich relative is pushy and insensitive about it). They're being pretty unfair to their friend by squishing her between their pressure and her spouse's feelings, but the question at hand is more... what kind of magic suggestion do they think an advice columnist would have that would suddenly make the kid's dad change his entire outlook on life or whatever? There are no magic words, lady. This isn't a Jeeves and Wooster story. If the kid's 18, they're free to accept monetary gifts or not on their own behalf, but you're not getting away with something like this without creating conflict between either you and the dad or the kid and the dad, or both.

[misbegotten]

I'm fangirling over your comment. Well said.

[minoanmiss]

You deserve whatever money MM got paid, as your answer is infinitely better.