Dear Prudence: Get Over It

[shirou]

Q. Get over it: I am 27 and never been married. My boyfriend is 29 and divorced. In the most awkward introduction on earth, I met my boyfriend’s mom, “Leigh,” while we were having sex (his mom used the backup key to bring in groceries). I was embarrassed at the time, but three months down the line, I am annoyed. Leigh acts like I am this evil seducer after her little boy. She is cold toward me and makes sure to get in these little conversational digs. My boyfriend has stood up for me and called her out, but that only makes her worse. He tells me that Leigh will warm up to me in time, but part of me is sympathizing with his ex-wife now. (My boyfriend claims the marriage fell apart due to their career demands.)

I am starting to fall in love here, but the evil mother-in-law jokes are starting to feel less funny and more fortunetelling to me. I am attractive, educated, and kind, and I have never had a boyfriend’s mother act like this toward me. I have gone to church with Leigh, baked her a cake, and volunteered to help out with her charity marathon run. So far it has only gotten me sore calves and more uncivil behavior. I don’t know how to win over this woman, and in all honesty, I just want her to get over it. For someone who claims to want grandchildren, she certainly is trying to run off anyone who might give them to her. What should I do?

A: I know it’s a cliché at this point, but I don’t think you have a Leigh problem. I think you have a boyfriend problem. You (understandably) have a lot of negative things to say about your boyfriend’s mother, but you don’t say a word about why this 29-year-old man lets his mother keep a key to the house or bring over groceries for him unannounced. I assume if there were extenuating circumstances or reasons why he couldn’t comfortably shop for himself that you’d mention them, so it looks like he’s just perfectly happy to let his mother continue to dote on him like he’s still her baby boy. If his version of “standing up to his mother” is objecting when she insults you but still continuing to spend time with her (and letting her keep her key to his apartment!), then his version of “standing up to people” looks an awful lot like lying down. Leigh is doing you a favor in the long run. Let her run you off! Run far away and find a guy who doesn’t give his mother a key to his house.

Comments

[shirou]

I don't understand Daniel's objection to the key. I have a key to my parents' house, and they have a key to mine. This is so normal in my world that I'm dumbfounded Daniel objects to it at all, much less so strongly. We currently live hundreds of miles apart, but my parents are retired and plan to move close to me. We will probably buy groceries for one another! I can't believe this is in any way a big deal.

Leigh's nasty comments, on the other hand, are a big deal. But I don't understand why Daniel jumps to DTMFA. LW says she's starting to fall in love, and boyfriend has demonstrated a willingness to stand up to Leigh, so maybe it's worth first talking about how he could do so more effectively? He's called Leigh out in the moment, but he needs to have a serious chat with her when LW isn't present. Tell her she has to be civil or she won't be seeing as much of either of them.

[naath]

I have my parents' key (somewhere) they don't have and are not getting mine. Because privacy. Because I don't care to let my parents snoop on my life. Giving a key to parents you like and trust is different to giving a key to asshat parents.

[redbird]

It's not just that the boyfriend's mother has a key, it's how she uses it. Dropping off groceries isn't the problem: the problem is that she still has the key after walking in on them and using that as a reason/excuse for being rude to the letter writer.

There's a sort of spectrum from, I left a spare key with so-and-so in case I lock myself out, through So they can feed the cats if I'm out of town, to Because it's handier when they're visiting or dropping something off, to So they can let themselves in whenever it's convenient. The "convenient" end is very fuzzy, because Convenient for who? and For what?

It's convenient for both me and my partner adrian_turtle that I don't have to ring the bell downstairs, and can let myself in and put groceries away if I get there before she gets home, and she has the combination for the electronic lock on our back door for similar reasons. However, neither of us would just walk into the other's apartment without notice: even in an emergency, I'd call first and/or knock on the apartment door rather than just walking in. The only times I have let myself into her apartment, dropped off groceries, and left was by pre-arrangement: once when she was out of town, another time when she was sick and I quietly let myself in, put the groceries away, and left again without going into the bedroom.

[cereta]

Yeah, not having a key to my mother's or in-law's house would seem off to me. Now, with the other issues, it's clearly a problem, but still.

[ambyr]

I share your confusion here. My parents have a key to my house; so do half a dozen other people. Sometimes those people come by unannounced, and that's fine. That is something I expect someone I give a key to my house to do. But I also expect that people I give keys to will understand that it is someone else's house, and that if they drop by unannounced they get no guarantees about what activities are happening there. I'm not prone to having sex outside of the bedroom, so I am unlikely to have LW's exact problem, but I certainly do wander around in my underwear sometimes, and so do other people who live or stay in my house. Someone who walked in and made snide remarks about my housemate's tendency toward shirtlessness would not be someone who got to keep keys for long.

[minoanmiss]

Yeah, I agree with you (as someone who would never give my parents a key, no less, but different families are different). There's a problem here but I don't yet think it's insurmountable.

[melannen]

Yeah, I feel like he focused in on the wrong thing here. If my mom lived nearby, I can't imagine not giving her a key. (And it's reasonably likely she might drop in with groceries once in awhile; she occasionally ends up with large amounts of perishables that need used up as leftovers from her volunteer work, and she knows I will eat them.)

And there are other subcultures in the US where it would be even more expected that you trade keys with family.

There are so many other red flags here, that seems like the wrong string to pull.

[shirou]

I'm glad you raised cultural differences. I've never once knocked on my parents' door. I have a key; I use it. I don't know how much of that is individual and how much cultural, but as a data point, my family immigrated to the US from the Netherlands, where the concept of privacy certainly differs from the American version.

Daniel writes, "You (understandably) have a lot of negative things to say about your boyfriend’s mother, but you don’t say a word about..." I expected that sentence to say something like "... whether you've talked seriously to your boyfriend about the extent of his mother's unkind behavior or what his reaction was." The boyfriend needs to do more, so information on how he and LW have discussed the problem is highly relevant. (I imagine Leigh is subtle enough that most observers, boyfriend included, might notice a little coldness but not see the pattern of meanness as LW experiences it.) Instead that sentence is about the key! I just can't grok that the key is relevant.

[ayebydan]

Yeah my grandparents always had a key. And we have one for their house. At the bare bones of the situation it is so if one tool locks themselves out we can go get another key and not have to change the locks. I mean, my bestie who lives on one of the Scottish Islands has a key to my house so that if no one is here when she lands she can just come in. But I guess it is a thing here to warn a million times before you use said key.

[dine]

it's not the having a key thing that bugs me - it's the using it without checking first. having a key for emergencies is a good idea - letting yourself into someone else's house whenever you choose isn't, and is crappy manners

maybe picking up his groceries is doing a kindness (though it's kinda odd if he's hale) but call before you come over, and ring the bell like anyone else who doesn't live there

[adrian_turtle]

This. It reminds me of the parent who didn't want their daughter to have a lock on her door. When you can trust people to respect the boundary of the closed door, you don't need to lock it against them. The problem isn't that this LW's boyfriend wants his mother to have a backup key; the problem is that he wants anybody to have a key when that person won't respect basic boundaries. Four year olds understand "knock-knock," for crying out loud!

ETA: I'm actually not joking about 4 year olds and knock-knock. The core idea is right there. Knock. Who's there? Some people are welcome to come in, some aren't. See also, "not by the hair on my chinny-chin-chin."

[eva_rosen]

The groceries thing does ring a bell. Many, many 'children' are comfortable letting their parents do housework for them, trading off privacy. And, in turn, parents think they're entitled to intrude given they perform those tasks. So, they should cut off whatever help the MIL is undoubtedly giving the boyfriend (doing his shopping, maybe laundry, etc), and see if she keeps intruding (probably she will at first, but it'll be harder to justify). And don't replace her in those duties (the first wife's professional life got on the way? Um).

[movingfinger]

"My boyfriend claims the marriage fell apart due to their career demands" is a parade of red flags circling Red Square with marching bands. LW knows something is funky about this ("claims"). On top of that, three months have gone by since the awkward moment and the boyfriend's mom is still incapable of being civil; LW is apparently still expected to see this woman and give her more chances to be rude, including in church, which does make this a boyfriend problem.

Who was it that said "dick is abundant and low value?" LW sounds like a lovely person and will easily meet someone who doesn't have a toxic family.

[ayebydan]

Yeah, that is the red flag for me more than the key thing. Career demands my ass.

[eleanorjane]

I agree the BF should be standing up to his mother more, but I do think Prudie is escalating hard given this is a three month old relationship. Three months is pretty early to be expecting people to radically reshape their familial relationships on your behalf.