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Dear Prudence: Get Over It
Q. Get over it: I am 27 and never been married. My boyfriend is 29 and divorced. In the most awkward introduction on earth, I met my boyfriend’s mom, “Leigh,” while we were having sex (his mom used the backup key to bring in groceries). I was embarrassed at the time, but three months down the line, I am annoyed. Leigh acts like I am this evil seducer after her little boy. She is cold toward me and makes sure to get in these little conversational digs. My boyfriend has stood up for me and called her out, but that only makes her worse. He tells me that Leigh will warm up to me in time, but part of me is sympathizing with his ex-wife now. (My boyfriend claims the marriage fell apart due to their career demands.)
I am starting to fall in love here, but the evil mother-in-law jokes are starting to feel less funny and more fortunetelling to me. I am attractive, educated, and kind, and I have never had a boyfriend’s mother act like this toward me. I have gone to church with Leigh, baked her a cake, and volunteered to help out with her charity marathon run. So far it has only gotten me sore calves and more uncivil behavior. I don’t know how to win over this woman, and in all honesty, I just want her to get over it. For someone who claims to want grandchildren, she certainly is trying to run off anyone who might give them to her. What should I do?
A: I know it’s a cliché at this point, but I don’t think you have a Leigh problem. I think you have a boyfriend problem. You (understandably) have a lot of negative things to say about your boyfriend’s mother, but you don’t say a word about why this 29-year-old man lets his mother keep a key to the house or bring over groceries for him unannounced. I assume if there were extenuating circumstances or reasons why he couldn’t comfortably shop for himself that you’d mention them, so it looks like he’s just perfectly happy to let his mother continue to dote on him like he’s still her baby boy. If his version of “standing up to his mother” is objecting when she insults you but still continuing to spend time with her (and letting her keep her key to his apartment!), then his version of “standing up to people” looks an awful lot like lying down. Leigh is doing you a favor in the long run. Let her run you off! Run far away and find a guy who doesn’t give his mother a key to his house.
I am starting to fall in love here, but the evil mother-in-law jokes are starting to feel less funny and more fortunetelling to me. I am attractive, educated, and kind, and I have never had a boyfriend’s mother act like this toward me. I have gone to church with Leigh, baked her a cake, and volunteered to help out with her charity marathon run. So far it has only gotten me sore calves and more uncivil behavior. I don’t know how to win over this woman, and in all honesty, I just want her to get over it. For someone who claims to want grandchildren, she certainly is trying to run off anyone who might give them to her. What should I do?
A: I know it’s a cliché at this point, but I don’t think you have a Leigh problem. I think you have a boyfriend problem. You (understandably) have a lot of negative things to say about your boyfriend’s mother, but you don’t say a word about why this 29-year-old man lets his mother keep a key to the house or bring over groceries for him unannounced. I assume if there were extenuating circumstances or reasons why he couldn’t comfortably shop for himself that you’d mention them, so it looks like he’s just perfectly happy to let his mother continue to dote on him like he’s still her baby boy. If his version of “standing up to his mother” is objecting when she insults you but still continuing to spend time with her (and letting her keep her key to his apartment!), then his version of “standing up to people” looks an awful lot like lying down. Leigh is doing you a favor in the long run. Let her run you off! Run far away and find a guy who doesn’t give his mother a key to his house.