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Yet another estranged parent who can't figure out what they did wrong
Dear Amy: My husband and I have a 50-year-old son who is married with three beautiful children. We all live in the same town.
Four years ago, when I had breast cancer, my daughter-in-law became angry and would not let us see the children.
We have tried everything we can think of to work this out: Letters, phone calls, and offers to seek professional help.
They continue to want to blame us, but neglect to tell us what the problem is!
They have verbally (and by text) said the nastiest things to us.
Do you have any suggestions? Our relationship with our son was fine until this started.
-- Forever Sad
Dear Sad: Given that your narrative contains not a hint of any possible role you might have played in this estrangement, I'm going to assume that your unwillingness to even entertain the possibility of any responsibility might be part of the problem.
I am not urging you to blame yourself for the despicable behavior of others, but if you could search the history of your relationship with an open mind, you might have seen hints of trouble, and ways your actions -- and reactions -- might have contributed to the estrangement.
Obviously, you want to have contact with your grandchildren, but the way to them is through their parents, who want nothing to do with you.
Don't continue to contact them, until you have something new to offer. They see your efforts as pestering and pressure and easy to dismiss.
Definitely take yourselves up on your idea to pursue counseling. Understand that you cannot change the other adults. Work on your own behavior and actions, and explore ways you can come to terms with this very painful situation.
Four years ago, when I had breast cancer, my daughter-in-law became angry and would not let us see the children.
We have tried everything we can think of to work this out: Letters, phone calls, and offers to seek professional help.
They continue to want to blame us, but neglect to tell us what the problem is!
They have verbally (and by text) said the nastiest things to us.
Do you have any suggestions? Our relationship with our son was fine until this started.
-- Forever Sad
Dear Sad: Given that your narrative contains not a hint of any possible role you might have played in this estrangement, I'm going to assume that your unwillingness to even entertain the possibility of any responsibility might be part of the problem.
I am not urging you to blame yourself for the despicable behavior of others, but if you could search the history of your relationship with an open mind, you might have seen hints of trouble, and ways your actions -- and reactions -- might have contributed to the estrangement.
Obviously, you want to have contact with your grandchildren, but the way to them is through their parents, who want nothing to do with you.
Don't continue to contact them, until you have something new to offer. They see your efforts as pestering and pressure and easy to dismiss.
Definitely take yourselves up on your idea to pursue counseling. Understand that you cannot change the other adults. Work on your own behavior and actions, and explore ways you can come to terms with this very painful situation.
no subject