conuly: (Default)
conuly ([personal profile] conuly) wrote in [community profile] agonyaunt2019-08-19 02:11 am

Yet another estranged parent who can't figure out what they did wrong

Dear Amy: My husband and I have a 50-year-old son who is married with three beautiful children. We all live in the same town.

Four years ago, when I had breast cancer, my daughter-in-law became angry and would not let us see the children.

We have tried everything we can think of to work this out: Letters, phone calls, and offers to seek professional help.

They continue to want to blame us, but neglect to tell us what the problem is!

They have verbally (and by text) said the nastiest things to us.

Do you have any suggestions? Our relationship with our son was fine until this started.

-- Forever Sad


Dear Sad: Given that your narrative contains not a hint of any possible role you might have played in this estrangement, I'm going to assume that your unwillingness to even entertain the possibility of any responsibility might be part of the problem.

I am not urging you to blame yourself for the despicable behavior of others, but if you could search the history of your relationship with an open mind, you might have seen hints of trouble, and ways your actions -- and reactions -- might have contributed to the estrangement.

Obviously, you want to have contact with your grandchildren, but the way to them is through their parents, who want nothing to do with you.

Don't continue to contact them, until you have something new to offer. They see your efforts as pestering and pressure and easy to dismiss.

Definitely take yourselves up on your idea to pursue counseling. Understand that you cannot change the other adults. Work on your own behavior and actions, and explore ways you can come to terms with this very painful situation.
kutsuwamushi: (Default)

[personal profile] kutsuwamushi 2019-08-19 08:01 am (UTC)(link)
"became angry"

yeah it just ... happened... for no reason ...
delight: (Default)

[personal profile] delight 2019-08-19 01:31 pm (UTC)(link)
Definitely take yourselves up on your idea to pursue counseling I also appreciated this combination good advice and subtle burn.
movingfinger: (Default)

[personal profile] movingfinger 2019-08-19 03:00 pm (UTC)(link)
Did some estranged-vicious-parent forum suggest that members write to advice columns to shame their children and publicize their sad plight? There does seem to be an uptick in these.
grammarwoman: (Default)

[personal profile] grammarwoman 2019-08-19 04:13 pm (UTC)(link)
This letter hits close to home - my brother got divorced several years ago, and things got tense with his kids and ex, to the point that when he died of cancer last year, he hadn't seen or heard from his kids (who are now young adults) for at least a year before that. My parents and I have absolutely no idea what went down between them; my folks kept trying to reach out to the kids to re-establish contact to no avail, and one of the kids recently mailed a letter demanding a cutoff to all further attempts.

Nobody was perfect on either side, but I would still like a relationship with my brother's kids, and at the very least to know what the hell was going on.