(no subject)

[conuly]

Dear Annie: I'm 50 years old and have two adult children. Their mother and I divorced 15 years ago. Throughout our marriage, my wife had many affairs. She's married twice since we split up.

Five years ago, my son married a woman who has become close to my ex. My daughter-in-law has labeled me a mental case to many family members, friends and acquaintances. I can count on one hand the number of times I have seen my son in the past five years, and each time, he was extremely disrespectful and said horrible things to me. They now have a 2-year-old son, whom I have seen only briefly on three occasions even though they live nearby. I believe my ex-wife has had a great influence in turning my son into a cold, ruthless person.

I'm financially well off and recently updated my will to leave my son only $20 because of all the pain and anguish he has caused me. I prefer to distance myself from him, but I would like to have a relationship with my grandson. Is there any way to do this? -- Proud Grandpa

Dear Grandpa: Not without also having some type of relationship with your son. After all, he isn't preventing you from seeing the boy. Some states are sympathetic to grandparents' rights, but your son might be able to convince the judge that his distancing is in his son's best interest, and you could be cut out entirely. It's risky, and we don't recommend it for you.

We have no doubt that your ex-wife has influenced her son and his wife. But if you want a relationship with your grandson, you need to tolerate his parents and be civil to them. Perhaps in time they will see how much their child loves you and will warm up. We hope so.

Comments

[conuly]

What gets me is the extreme pettiness of leaving $20 to his son in his will. Even leaving nothing would be less petty.

Also, I doubt the son said anything more horrible than "my son is cold and ruthless, and also extremely disrespectful, and he's caused me a ton of pain and anguish". But hey, cheer up, Grandpa! Maybe your son is the product of one of your wife's many infidelities!

[melannen]

There is a long-standing urban legend that the only way to disinherit a child is to leave them a nominal amount, otherwise they can sue for a share on the basis that they were accidentally excluded, and often win. (This is wrong - saying "I leave X $0" works just as well - but a lot of people still believe it, so it might be that.) But honestly, it's fairly petty either way.

I am tempted to give the advice that if he really does want to spend time with the grandson, given the family dynamics we see here, his best bet is probably to leverage the inheritance and hint hint that the grandson might get something substantial if he gets to spend time with Grandpa.

I mean it's bad advice but given what we see of this family in the letter it sounds like about the level of cooperation they're used to.

And if it doesn't work then, well, he'll have learned that his son is a better man than he is.