![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
Care and Feeding: Mother worrying about ostracized kid, utterly fails to see her own role
Dear Care and Feeding,
My daughter is 13, and we have a few family friends that we spend a lot of time with. In our group there are two other girls her age and one 16-year-old, “Debbie.” Debbie and my daughter have known each other almost 10 years, and they get along very well. However, Debbie has been recently diagnosed with Crohn’s disease, and the combination of her illness and high school schedule often keeps her from coming when the families get together.
As a result, my daughter has tried to befriend the other two girls in the group and get to know them a little better. This hasn’t quite worked: Whenever she walks into a room, they run right out. When confronted by her and Debbie, they claimed to have done no such thing. However, the girls confided in Debbie that they think my daughter is stuck up and complained that on a group trip to Colorado, she accidentally threw a snowball at them.
These two kids used to be a bit on the heavier side, but have slimmed down after adopting healthier eating habits with the advice of a doctor. But when my daughter eats dinner or a snack in their presence, they make negative remarks—i.e., “You’re gonna eat that much?” “That has sooo many calories,” and “Aren’t you fat enough already?” For the record, my daughter is the recommended weight for her age and is very active. This has gotten so bad that my daughter eats in the bathroom when they come over. Also, my daughter likes wearing name-brand clothes and these girls see her in them and have begged their parents to get similar items, which is sending her some mixed messages.
We’re all Indian, and the two young ladies make negative comments about my daughter being dark-skinned. This is already a source of insecurity for her, as her parents and younger brother are all lighter than she, and she’s recently been looking at ways to naturally lighten her skin.
I want to teach my daughter to be proud of her appearance, but I don’t know how to get these girls to stop. At first, her father and I thought it would blow over, but it’s been a year now. When the girls’ parents were informed, they defended themselves by blaming our daughter for how they treat her. We see these people a lot—at least once a week—and even take vacations together. I don’t want my daughter to be miserable. What can I do?
—Mommy in the Middle
Dear MitM,
Are there other friends for you on the market? Because this set comes with a major set of problems. These are not the last friends on earth, are they? Tell me, because I’m struggling.
I understand how difficult it must feel to have a tightknit circle that may be hard to replace or duplicate (especially if you all are the only Indians/POC in your community), only to find that your kid doesn’t enjoy spending time with their families. However, I think it may be more traumatic for her to feel like her parents are choosing their buddies over her and/or are willing to sacrifice her comfort for their good time. Which is exactly what you all are doing right now.
Certainly, you know how sensitive the complexion issue is and how hard colorism can be for darker women and girls, in particular, who are confronted with a lack of sufficient positive media representation of people who look like them and, at times, negative comments from family and peers about their skin tone. How could you put your daughter in a position where she has to endure such a thing in a social setting … in addition to harassment about her body and eating habits?
Since spending time with this crew is so critical to you, could you at least teach her some comebacks so that she can defend herself? (I’d go with “Undercooked jerks,” or perhaps “You could use a little of my color, you look like you died last week.”) And the fact that they covet her penchant for name-brand threads doesn’t change or mean a thing. Perhaps they find your daughter to be aspirational or enviably attractive, but there’s no “mixed message” here, as they seem to be hell-bent on taking her down a peg and making her as insecure and miserable as they seem to be.
Why is this friendship circle so important to you? Why can’t you find time to hang with your crew without subjecting your kid to this torture? Is this some sort of midlife-version of suffering a bit of taunting to sit at the cool kids table, except you’re sacrificing your daughter’s dignity instead of your own?
Your child is talking about finding ways to lighten her skin, and your use of the word “natural” here scares me because 1) there is no “natural” way to change your complexion, and 2) I’m wondering if “natural” may be the compromise you made with her—that you may allow her to explore holistic approaches to skin bleaching so long as she doesn’t use toxic bleaching creams or other chemicals to do it.
This has gone on for a year, which is more than enough time anxiety around eating to have been planted right along with the (perhaps) preexisting anxiety your daughter feels about being the darkest member of your family. I’m not holding these two kids responsible for your daughter’s self-image, but know that it is likely to be informed by the fact that you, her own mother, have subjected her to this treatment at their hands. Wanna talk about mixed messages? How can you tell her that her brown skin is beautiful—you do tell her that, don’t you?—and that her body is healthy and good, only to force her into constant interactions with people who berate her with contradictory messages? (P.S.: You mention that your daughter’s weight is appropriate for her age and height, but I hope you realize that these girls’ words would be no more acceptable if she were heavier.)
We aren’t talking about her being taunted for being the sole girl of color in a top-performing school or in a small community where there’s no other school to go to (for the record, I think POC parents need to stop subjecting their kids to that shit, too). We are talking about putting her in social situations where she is mistreated so that her parents can enjoy fun with their own peers. If my tone here is hostile, it is because I am hostile about this and very worried for your daughter.
It’s long past time for you and your husband to confront your (so-called) friends about their mean-ass kids. If they are unable to correct this behavior, you need to find time to spend with them away from your children. You also need to find ways to surround your child with peers who respect her and enjoy her company. Period.
—Jamilah
no subject
no subject
It sounds like LW is part of a community, and drawing back from that community would be a huge sacrifice, yet Jamilah criticizes LW for wanting to have a "good time" with her "so-called" "buddies." Bullshit! LW has something far more valuable than just a good time. I completely agree that a serious conversation is far overdue, and if the problem can't be rectified, LW and her husband will need to see their friends without the kids, which probably means a lot less often. But let's acknowledge what a big step this would be.
no subject
One thing I think about a lot (having been bullied relentless by my older brother as a kid) is the ways in which we expect children to accept behavior from other children that we would NEVER expect an adult to accept from another adult. If they go to an authority figure, we label them a tattle-tale and just tell them to "work it out" themselves.
And worst of all, kids don't have the most basic options adults do: leaving. It doesn't look like they're just in a backyard, nor do I get the feeling that LW and their spouse would be keen about their daughter just leaving the gathering even if home were in walking distance.
Maybe there are others in the group who would be willing to have a double date or something. But putting your child in that position is unconscionable.
no subject
edit: Let me trying a rephrasing that may resonate with you. Jamilah devalues the friendship and then, when comparing it to the daughter's wellbeing, finds the daughter's wellbeing to be worth more. But of course! It's a strawman, and I fear LW may dismiss Jamilah's advice because Jamilah dismissed LW's experience. LW needs to understand that even acknowledging the full value of the friendship in LW's life, the daughter's wellbeing is still far more important.
no subject
I get this.
no subject
And when you're talking about the 'value' of a relationship weighed against the problems you have with a person, a lot of people seem to, as this letter writer does, want to set aside issues like "respecting the humanity of other people" or "not being a terrible person" as if they were minor foibles that can and should be overlooked or worked around. We're not talking about a persistent body odor or an unbreakable habit of interrupting people, here, we're talking a refusal to take seriously a situation where their child is causing potentially serious harm to another child - which is bad enough - and in so doing, disregarding the wellbeing of another child who is presumably rather close to them! It's not a minor issue at all - it goes to the center of who they are, which is quite possibly not someone you should want to be close to.
no subject
Also the part where the mother was blithely explaining that her daughter was looking into "natural" skin lightening products as if it's NBD. Toxic AF.
And Jamilah didn't tell them to ditch the friends, she just really strongly told them to cut the F out on deliberately throwing her daughter into situations where she is being bullied to the point of *eating while hidden in the bathroom* or trying to lighten her skin.
They can find ways to bond with these friends without deliberately damaging their kid.
I am a little biased because it came across as if LW - for all that she loves her daughter - buys into the same crap about her daughter's worth being tied to her wight and her skin tone, so I really appreciated Jamilah brooking no bullshit on either of those fronts.
no subject
I was wondering if I was the only one getting this angle, too.
no subject