Care and Feeding: Mother worrying about ostracized kid, utterly fails to see her own role

[beable]

Dear Care and Feeding,

My daughter is 13, and we have a few family friends that we spend a lot of time with. In our group there are two other girls her age and one 16-year-old, “Debbie.” Debbie and my daughter have known each other almost 10 years, and they get along very well. However, Debbie has been recently diagnosed with Crohn’s disease, and the combination of her illness and high school schedule often keeps her from coming when the families get together.

As a result, my daughter has tried to befriend the other two girls in the group and get to know them a little better. This hasn’t quite worked: Whenever she walks into a room, they run right out. When confronted by her and Debbie, they claimed to have done no such thing. However, the girls confided in Debbie that they think my daughter is stuck up and complained that on a group trip to Colorado, she accidentally threw a snowball at them.

These two kids used to be a bit on the heavier side, but have slimmed down after adopting healthier eating habits with the advice of a doctor. But when my daughter eats dinner or a snack in their presence, they make negative remarks—i.e., “You’re gonna eat that much?” “That has sooo many calories,” and “Aren’t you fat enough already?” For the record, my daughter is the recommended weight for her age and is very active. This has gotten so bad that my daughter eats in the bathroom when they come over. Also, my daughter likes wearing name-brand clothes and these girls see her in them and have begged their parents to get similar items, which is sending her some mixed messages.

We’re all Indian, and the two young ladies make negative comments about my daughter being dark-skinned. This is already a source of insecurity for her, as her parents and younger brother are all lighter than she, and she’s recently been looking at ways to naturally lighten her skin.

I want to teach my daughter to be proud of her appearance, but I don’t know how to get these girls to stop. At first, her father and I thought it would blow over, but it’s been a year now. When the girls’ parents were informed, they defended themselves by blaming our daughter for how they treat her. We see these people a lot—at least once a week—and even take vacations together. I don’t want my daughter to be miserable. What can I do?

—Mommy in the Middle

Dear MitM,

Are there other friends for you on the market? Because this set comes with a major set of problems. These are not the last friends on earth, are they? Tell me, because I’m struggling.

I understand how difficult it must feel to have a tightknit circle that may be hard to replace or duplicate (especially if you all are the only Indians/POC in your community), only to find that your kid doesn’t enjoy spending time with their families. However, I think it may be more traumatic for her to feel like her parents are choosing their buddies over her and/or are willing to sacrifice her comfort for their good time. Which is exactly what you all are doing right now.

Certainly, you know how sensitive the complexion issue is and how hard colorism can be for darker women and girls, in particular, who are confronted with a lack of sufficient positive media representation of people who look like them and, at times, negative comments from family and peers about their skin tone. How could you put your daughter in a position where she has to endure such a thing in a social setting … in addition to harassment about her body and eating habits?

Since spending time with this crew is so critical to you, could you at least teach her some comebacks so that she can defend herself? (I’d go with “Undercooked jerks,” or perhaps “You could use a little of my color, you look like you died last week.”) And the fact that they covet her penchant for name-brand threads doesn’t change or mean a thing. Perhaps they find your daughter to be aspirational or enviably attractive, but there’s no “mixed message” here, as they seem to be hell-bent on taking her down a peg and making her as insecure and miserable as they seem to be.

Why is this friendship circle so important to you? Why can’t you find time to hang with your crew without subjecting your kid to this torture? Is this some sort of midlife-version of suffering a bit of taunting to sit at the cool kids table, except you’re sacrificing your daughter’s dignity instead of your own?

Your child is talking about finding ways to lighten her skin, and your use of the word “natural” here scares me because 1) there is no “natural” way to change your complexion, and 2) I’m wondering if “natural” may be the compromise you made with her—that you may allow her to explore holistic approaches to skin bleaching so long as she doesn’t use toxic bleaching creams or other chemicals to do it.

This has gone on for a year, which is more than enough time anxiety around eating to have been planted right along with the (perhaps) preexisting anxiety your daughter feels about being the darkest member of your family. I’m not holding these two kids responsible for your daughter’s self-image, but know that it is likely to be informed by the fact that you, her own mother, have subjected her to this treatment at their hands. Wanna talk about mixed messages? How can you tell her that her brown skin is beautiful—you do tell her that, don’t you?—and that her body is healthy and good, only to force her into constant interactions with people who berate her with contradictory messages? (P.S.: You mention that your daughter’s weight is appropriate for her age and height, but I hope you realize that these girls’ words would be no more acceptable if she were heavier.)

We aren’t talking about her being taunted for being the sole girl of color in a top-performing school or in a small community where there’s no other school to go to (for the record, I think POC parents need to stop subjecting their kids to that shit, too). We are talking about putting her in social situations where she is mistreated so that her parents can enjoy fun with their own peers. If my tone here is hostile, it is because I am hostile about this and very worried for your daughter.

It’s long past time for you and your husband to confront your (so-called) friends about their mean-ass kids. If they are unable to correct this behavior, you need to find time to spend with them away from your children. You also need to find ways to surround your child with peers who respect her and enjoy her company. Period.

—Jamilah