agonyaunt | (no subject)

(no subject)

Dear Care and Feeding,

Please settle this battle between my 16-year-old and myself. She wants to put a lock on her bedroom door. (Her younger brother does, admittedly, bust in on her a lot.) I just don’t like the idea. I don’t like the idea of locks in my house, I don’t think she really knows what she’s asking for, and it’s causing a lot of fights.

—The House Is for Everyone

Let her put a lock on the door. She’s 16. She’ll be an adult and out the door in two years. She deserves to be able to masturbate in peace. This is the easiest question I have ever gotten. Thank you.

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I like the reply.

She's asking for a lock on her door because people in the house (the son is mentioned, but I wouldn't be surprised if the parent[s] are also violators) don't respect her privacy.

Seems legit.

And it sounds like LW needs to do some unpacking (for themselves) on why they "just don't like the idea". No locks in the house? Not in the bathroom or toilet? Not on the study door? Not on the parental bedroom?

Edited 2019-08-05 21:29 (UTC)

I actually ran into someone who, when she married and moved in with her husband, literally removed all the interior locks, because there should be nothing that couples don't share. It was weird. I mean, our doors don't lock because it's an old house and the skeleton key is wonked, but it they did, yeah, we'd let child have a lock as long as I could open it in an emergency.

But yeah. I mean, if nothing else, get her one of those locks where you can open by pushing a thin stick.

I come from a family where we didn't have locks on the doors (okay, we had those flip locks on sliding doors that you can open with a thumbnail or a coin) and hearing that someone removes all the locks inside a house still hits a lot of red alerts for me.

Boundaries, people!

Seriously, none of the interior doors in my house lock, and we have three people sharing one bathroom, and that still creeps me out. I mean, if you don't want to use them, just don't use them. This person has some very...odd ideas about marriage. Things like, "Married couples shouldn't socialize with people they were friends with before marriage," and "when someone (usually a man) remarries, he should stop spending time with his kids from a previous marriage.

Removing locks is weird. (FWIW I grew up in an old house with no interior locks and, I think, turned out fine.) Dropping your kids after remarrying—or asking your new spouse to do so—makes you a bad person, full stop.

Word. My mouth fell open in shock at that one.

I grew up with locks only on the toilet/bathrooms (easily breakable ones at that) and never expected different (didn't get barged in on either, some people have manners); but 'we've never thought about it' and 'she asked and we refused' are different things I think.

Oh, yeah. I mean, I have mentioned a time of three thousand: there's three of us sharing a bathroom, and I'm not terribly fussed about nudity. But the small fanperson has recently expressed some boundaries, so we've adjusted. It's part of being a parent, IMHO, letting a child develop their boundaries and respecting the ones that aren't dangerous.

Having had a small kid lock a door and need semi-heroic handy skills applied to get the door open again there is a certain appeal to the sort of lock you can open with a thin stick (they seem pretty standard on house bathrooms).

But yeah, let her get a lock! Heck, if she had a birthday coming up (or just because), gift her a nice locking doorknob and offer any help she needs installing it (but she may like the extra satisfaction of breaking out the tools and making it happen).

When there were small children in the house, my parents disabled all the interior locks, because they didn't want a risk of a small child getting locked in somewhere, and meanwhile everybody was taught to respect closed doors and private spaces, and did. So it doesn't really ring any alarm bells for me.

But locks were reactivated as we got old enough that nobody would panic if we were stuck, starting with parents' bedroom and bathrooms. And by the time I was a teenager if I'd asked, I could have had one.

"I don’t think she really knows what she’s asking for"

She's asking for a lock on her door. It's not an ambiguous request. She's not asking for "meaningful enlightenment" or "to understand the meaning of life." She wants to be able to lock her bedroom door.

Is there some sort of metaphysical aspect to this?

THAT IS WHAT I WANT TO KNOW!

Alas, no answers are forthcoming.

Yeah, I have so many questions about that line. Wanting a lock on your door is not a major life decision.

I don't think it's the 16-year-old who doesn't know what she's asking for, or why. This is a parent who can write for advice because "my 16-year-old wants to be able to lock her door, because her younger brother routinely busts in on her when she has the door closed. I keep telling her no, even though I can't give a reason beyond 'I just don't like it.'"

"I don’t think she really knows what she’s asking for" = "I don't trust my daughter enough to give her privacy but don't want to articulate that either for her or for an advice column that because it makes me sound bad"

Unless the 16 year old has a recent history of
a) suicide attempts;
b) intravenous drug use

LET HER HAVE A GOD DAMN LOCK ON HER BEDROOM DOOR!

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