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Care and Feeding: Am I a Bad Mom?
Dear Care and Feeding,
I have a 2-year-old and a 1-month-old. My husband made a comment that made me feel like a bad mom. He said that since my second son was born, my first no longer seems important to me and that I focus solely on the newborn. He says this because I need to breastfeed my newborn almost every two hours.
The feeding is worse at night, and as a result, I am too drained of energy to play with or tend to my older son during the day, and my husband does most of that work. I’m looking for stories on how you made your 2-year-old feel that you love him just as much as before.
—Worn-Out, Heartbroken Mama
Dear WOHM,
This is an incredibly cruel thing for one partner to say to another. Feeling like a bad parent is inherent to being a parent.
It’s possible he’s just tired and stressed with two young kids in the house, and that has rendered him inarticulate. Or it’s possible he’s lashing out at you because he’s resentful of managing most of your toddler’s care. Neither of those is really an excuse. You should tell him how hurtful this is, and I hope he can hear that and apologize.
Feeling like a bad parent is inherent to being a parent. However, you should feel no guilt over the fact that you’re breastfeeding a newborn all night and cannot be the same parent to your older son that you were a couple of months ago.
These early days of newborn exhaustion will, someday, pass. A full partner in child rearing should do what he can to make this period as easy as possible on you. It’s a team sport! Please remember that the guilt you’re feeling is a result of something your husband said to you, not something your older son communicated. You should not feel like a bad mom. I know you’re exhausted and stressed, but this is something I hope the two of you can talk about honestly. Good luck.
I have a 2-year-old and a 1-month-old. My husband made a comment that made me feel like a bad mom. He said that since my second son was born, my first no longer seems important to me and that I focus solely on the newborn. He says this because I need to breastfeed my newborn almost every two hours.
The feeding is worse at night, and as a result, I am too drained of energy to play with or tend to my older son during the day, and my husband does most of that work. I’m looking for stories on how you made your 2-year-old feel that you love him just as much as before.
—Worn-Out, Heartbroken Mama
Dear WOHM,
This is an incredibly cruel thing for one partner to say to another. Feeling like a bad parent is inherent to being a parent.
It’s possible he’s just tired and stressed with two young kids in the house, and that has rendered him inarticulate. Or it’s possible he’s lashing out at you because he’s resentful of managing most of your toddler’s care. Neither of those is really an excuse. You should tell him how hurtful this is, and I hope he can hear that and apologize.
Feeling like a bad parent is inherent to being a parent. However, you should feel no guilt over the fact that you’re breastfeeding a newborn all night and cannot be the same parent to your older son that you were a couple of months ago.
These early days of newborn exhaustion will, someday, pass. A full partner in child rearing should do what he can to make this period as easy as possible on you. It’s a team sport! Please remember that the guilt you’re feeling is a result of something your husband said to you, not something your older son communicated. You should not feel like a bad mom. I know you’re exhausted and stressed, but this is something I hope the two of you can talk about honestly. Good luck.
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HONESTLY.
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How's about you pull your fucking socks up and pitch in. This is the time that you start spending extra time with your son: giving his bath, taking him to the park on weekends, preparing his breakfast before you go to work. Some of my most treasured memories of my father are of the time right after my younger brother and sister were born, when he would take my older brother and me to movies, or play soccer with us, or read us our bedtime stories. Given that he died not too many years later, those memories are extra precious. Be a parent. Give your child good memories.
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Sincerely,
a judgy person on the Internet.
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FUCK that guy.
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(I suppose it's possible there's a motivation behind that comment other than "why do IIII have to do childcare work noooow????" but I'm having trouble finding one.)
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All that said, I am horrified and appalled that anyone would ever say that to a nursing parent one month after she gave birth. How fucking dare he.
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I want to advise mom to divorce his sorry ass the second the newborn is sleeping through the night.
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