Dear Abby: Friendship Ends After Birthday Party Joke Goes Wildly Wrong

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: I recently attended a friend's party that was being given to celebrate their son's 18th birthday. I thought it would be cheeky and fun to buy him a risque card from an adult boutique, thinking everyone would get a good laugh, and we'd have something to roast the young man with. When he opened the card, he had this look of horror on his face, ran out of the room all teary-eyed and went directly to his bedroom. His mother picked up the card and immediately asked me to leave. I was really embarrassed but unsure about the reason.

I gave them a week or so to cool off. I called back only to be informed by the mother that I had violated her son's sanctity of sexual orientation because he identifies as a they and prefers androgynous boys to women. She went on to explain that as a result of my indiscriminate sexism, I'm no longer allowed around the family.

I feel I should've been informed of the child's orientation being such an important aspect of his ... or rather, their identity, and tried to explain it was an honest mistake and would never happen again. My friend said the damage was done, and they can't forgive that kind of arrogance and blatant disrespect for their gender identity and sexual orientation.

Was I insensitive for not asking first, or should the parents have taken the initiative to inform me so I wouldn't make such an egregious error in what I assumed was a well-rounded friendship? Any advice would be great. -- WANTING TO SCREAM IN EUGENE

DEAR WANTING: I think one lesson to be learned here is that some people are not comfortable with sexual humor. Another is that it is a mistake to assume that everyone is straight or cisgender.

I'm sorry that the young person was embarrassed. Your apology should have been directed at them, not their mother. But since the mother has now decreed you persona non grata, you will have to accept it. It's unfortunate. The family overreacted. What could have been handled as a simple teachable moment was blown out of proportion.

Comments

[laurajv]

I'm not sure I agree that the family's response was disproportionate, but I do agree the LW has to let this go.

[xenacryst]

If you don't know someone well enough to know their pronouns, then you have no business buying them a risque card from an adult boutique. That you keep on pointedly mis-pronouning them (and then overcorrecting yourself) tells me that you don't really care.

[cereta]

Yes. Exactly this.

[rymenhild]

This. Absolutely this.

[beable]

Yeah. I might be more sympathetic if they hadn't written the entire letter referring to the kid as he.

It also gives me the feeling that they did know, if they had been paying even the slightest bit of attention rather than making the gift all about themselves and their own expectations of what the kid would like.

[minoanmiss]

Word. Even though one of my great fears is hurting someone because of a fact no one told me, the misgendering in the letter demolished my sympathy for the LW and my trust in their good intentions.

Also " I thought it would be cheeky and fun to buy him a risque card from an adult boutique," was a boundary-violating mistake no matter what else.

[resonant]

Fun for whom? I get the distinct impression that the LW views the kid's birthday as an opportunity to grab some attention for himself* and his* marvelous sense of humor.

* herself? hers?

[ayebydan]

this

[adrian_turtle]

Wait. I thought sexual humor was something you did with your OWN friends. Doing it with your kids, or your friends' kids, seems a tiny bit creepy.

[beable]

Seriously. Also know your audience.

[minoanmiss]

Word. I'm now fortunate to know a few young adults I met as my friends' babies. I would NEVER do something like that to any of them.

[ambyr]

"I feel I should've been informed of the child's orientation being such an important aspect of [their] identity" makes it sound like they were informed that the child was attracted to men but dismissed it because they weren't explicitly told it was important. Which, WTF? (I mean, there's a LOT of WTF here, but that stood out to me.)

[rmc28]

That jumped out at me also.

Plus, who gets rude cards for a friend's child? Ew.

[sporky_rat]

I thought it would be cheeky and fun to buy him a risque card from an adult boutique, thinking everyone would get a good laugh, and we'd have something to roast the young man with.

Why would you even want to roast a just-turned-18-year-old anyway? Get the young person something relatively humorous about being unleashed onto an unprepared world and and cheer them on, not roast them. Ugh.

[kiezh]

Given that LW thinks springing (probably extremely gendered and sexist) sexual humor on a teenager they don't know well, in public*, with no warning, is super funny and not at all intrusive or gross... I suspect this is not the first time LW has pushed boundaries and made this family uncomfortable. I bet this is a final dealbreaker, not a sudden out-of-nowhere break.

They're better off without you, LW, and you would be better off thinking about your own issues with pushing boundaries and then blaming people for being upset about it. Not that you... really seem to care at ALL about the possibility that you have done someone harm.

*In private would have been creepy too! There's just no non-creepy option here. Except not making sex jokes at teenagers to "roast" them.


ETA: I just realized I didn't mention the gender identity thing at all. I feel like it's all of a piece, though? LW doesn't respect these people, doesn't care about their feelings, doesn't bother to learn about their boundaries and preferences, continues to be incredibly dismissive even after losing a friendship to their own bad behavior.

This would be a way more sympathetic letter if it were something like "I tried to make a joke and misfired so badly it made a kid cry and lost me some friends! How do I make amends???" instead of "How do I make this mess their fault instead of mine?"

[minoanmiss]

I think you're right that it's all of a piece. the LW is being self-centered in several different ways, from an inappropriately sexual joke to misgendering their friend's child to trying to "make this mess their fault instead of mine."

[mommy]

This is how I see it, too. There's no way this was a first offense if LW thought springing sexual humor on a friend's kid was a good idea. The consistent misgendering throughout the letter emphasizes the problem and leaves me thinking the friend was thoroughly justified. You know it's bad when LW can't even depict the situation in their favor.

[conuly]

The bigger problem here is that you're a big adult and the kid's a newbie adult and the joke was way inappropriate. It was just as inappropriate now as last year. JFC, family's right on this front.

[tielan]

One thing stands out in this letter.

such an important aspect of his ... or rather, their identity,

After reading that I PERFECTLY understand why the friend has been barred from the family. Because apart from the kind of awful 'joke' (my read is: "humiliation and mockery") that LW promoted with the card, that ostatations 'correction' suggests the LW's casual bigotry isn't a one-off.

Also, Abby, the family's response is not out of proportion. A raised fist has an entirely different meaning to and creates an entirely different response in me than it does to a woman who's been in abusive relationships all her life.

[cereta]

Yes. That was right where I said, "Oh, so you're that kind of asshole."

(LW was already several other kinds of asshole.)

[hellaweasels]

Risqué birthday cards for new-18 year olds are for the 18 year old's friends to give (if wanted at all of course) not Mom/Dad's douchebag friend

[moem]

Yup. This was a bad idea no matter what the birthday kid's gender identity is. And bad ideas can backfire.

LW, if you ruin someone's birthday, people will get upset with you. Deal with it.

[kutsuwamushi]

Totally agree with everyone else that ... things are being left out here. I mean, look at this:

I feel I should've been informed of the child's orientation being such an important aspect of his ... or rather, their identity

And there it is. The LW's excuse isn't even "I didn't know that they were non-binary" - which would raise my eyebrows anyway, given that this was a friend's child's party that they were invited to. Their excuse is "I didn't think their gender identity was important."