MIL Slow to Catch on DIL Is an American

[conuly]

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I only met my mother-in-law a few times before my husband and I got married. He’s stationed in and we live in Florida and she lives in Montana, so the only times we met were when he took me home with him on leave.

All my great-grandparents were born in Korea, but everyone in my family since has been born in and around Jacksonville, and I’m as American as my husband, yet my mother-in-law sees me as this kind of exotic foreigner. She always asks me questions about how they do things in my country, and I’ve never even been to Korea!

I don’t want to offend this lady, but how many times do I have to politely tell her I’m a citizen, just like her, her kids, and her husband? --- ALL-AMERICAN GIRL

DEAR ALL-AMERICAN GIRL: I was curious, so I just looked up the racial breakdown of Montana and see that according to current Census Bureau statistics, the state is just over 89% Caucasian. Depending on where your mother-in-law lives in Montana, and if she’s been there all her life, it’s possible you’re one of the first Asian-Americans she’s met.

Giving her the benefit of the doubt that her treatment of you is from ignorance, not malice, you might just need to keep on reinforcing that yours has been an American experience, not a Korean one; and it wouldn’t hurt to have your husband back you up some when the topic arises in the future.

Comments

[conuly]

There's ignorance, and then there's plain rudeness. Ignorance is asking once "how things are done in Korea" and then, upon being told that LW has no idea because she's an American, going "Whoops, sorry".

Rudeness is refusing to learn after the second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth time.

[lilysea]

Two theories:

1. MIL is racist/xenophobic;

2. MIL has some sort of memory problem, either
a) the kind that comes with ageing;
b) the kind that comes with medication side effects;
c) the kind that comes with chronic illness/chronic pain;
d) the kind that comes with alcohol and drug use.

I'm 42 and I repeat questions a lot in a single conversation because of memory issues due to chronic illness/medication.

Although, mind you, my repeated questions are things like "did you wash your hands?" and "have your anti-depressants kicked in yet?"

[conuly]

Memory issues are possible, I guess, but I sorta feel like DIL would have seen more signs by now and be more concerned.

[minoanmiss]

Yeah, this. I think she'd factor in memory issues.

[rmc28]

DIL should be getting her spouse to step up here, especially if his mum is doing this in front of him.

"hey mom, my wife's already explained three times that her grandparents and parents were born in Jacksonville, knock it off"

[alyndra]

1. Every time your MIL says, “your country,” mentally swap in “Florida” and answer the question.

2. If she clarifies that she means “Korea,” answer with, “I don’t know, I’d have to google that,” or “I wish I could ask my great-grandmother that, but she died (x) years ago.”

3. Then ask her how it is in “her country” and clarify as necessary. It’s possible she really wants to compare notes on her great-grandparents’ experiences in Sweden vs. yours in Korea! That’s not conversationally out of bounds, since you’re related now.

[sporky_rat]

 

[minoanmiss]

I like #3. ;)

[tielan]

#3 is what I do. And if they reiterate that they're "Australian", I say "Oh, so you're indigenous? What nation? What tribe? How do you feel about the current state of [indigenous stuff that I keep an eye on] given that it's representing you and your interests?"

It's a little easier here because the country is only 250 years occupied and the colonisers mostly exterminated (actively, deliberately, with intent) the indigenous peoples, so the vast majority of people are descended from immigrants of some stripe or another.

I figure I'm not doing it for me. I'm doing it for the kids of my Australian-born, Asian presenting friends, so they'll have one less battle to fight with xenophobic assholes.

[minoanmiss]

For them and for the general sake of justice, and I cheer you on as you do it!

[annotated_em]

Your home state being ~89% white doesn't give you a license to be an ignorant bigot in this day and age. You get one (1) question about "how they do it in your home country" and that's being generous, frankly, and then you knock it off when you're told that the person you're asking is a third-gen citizen.*

*Exceptions to this are actual cognitive impairments that keep you from learning/internalizing the answer.

[conuly]

Or in any day and age, not with your son's wife. Once she's said one time "I have no idea how they do things in Korea", you're supposed to remember that little detail.

[cereta]

Seriously, my inlaws can remember the original middle name I changed before I ever met them, and my MIL is 84.

[ambyr]

My snarky and ultimately unhelpful response would be that, every time her mother-in-law asks her "how do they do [thing] in your country?" she very patiently explain American customs in the most analytical and anthropological way possible, "Body Ritual among the Nacirema"-style.

[beable]

OMG this
dooo eeeet!

[cereta]

Oh, I don't know, it might help ;).

[minoanmiss]

*cackles in agreement*

[lilysea]

My snarky and ultimately unhelpful response would be that, every time her mother-in-law asks her "how do they do [thing] in your country?" she very patiently explain American customs in the most analytical and anthropological way possible, "Body Ritual among the Nacirema"-style.

Oooh, I love this idea! ^_^ <3

[heavenscalyx]

Ohhhhh the Nacirema yesssss

[beable]

it wouldn’t hurt to have your husband back you up some when the topic arises in the future.

Dear LW's husband: Fucking "back her up some". JHC you should be the one having to politely tell your mother over and over again that she should knock it off and that your wife is American.

Don't dump this burden all on your wife!!!!!!!

[minoanmiss]

A great many of these letters have one spouse failing to stand up for the other to their family. It's an interesting and sad phenomenon.

[lilysea]

A great many of these letters have one spouse failing to stand up for the other to their family. It's an interesting and sad phenomenon.

I guess if your partner does a good job of standing up for you to their family, you're less likely to need to write to an advice column?

[minoanmiss]

Well, yeah, the selection bias is baked in. But I just find it a pity that so many people don't stand up for the people they decided to marry.

[cereta]

The number of in-law questions that make me want to yell that at the spouse are...pretty much all of them.