Dear Annie:

[cereta]

Dear Annie: I endured a very traumatic childhood. I was verbally abused. I was physically abused. I was sexually abused and raped.

I'm writing because I want to know the best way to respond to ignorant and insensitive remarks about my childhood. I have been told, "just leave it in the past"; "focus on the positive"; "it's all a mindset"; "forgive and forget"; and "just let it go." I don't feel angry at these people for their remarks. I know they are trying to help and that they just don't understand.

People don't understand that the traumatic events I endured as a child will stay with me for the rest of my life. I have nightmares and flashbacks all the time. I could be doing anything and, all of a sudden, a horrible memory or image pops into my head. With therapy, I have learned to cope and push aside these memories, but they keep coming back. That is why I can't just leave it in the past or forget about it. All I can do is learn to cope.

I feel that trauma is much like grief. For instance, I have lost my father, my brother, and my niece. The two seem similar in that grief stays with you for the rest of your life. You'll always miss your loved one. Grief strikes you at any moment just like trauma. Grief is painful and difficult to endure. And for someone who is grieving, other people wouldn't dare tell them to "just leave it in the past" or "just let it go" or "it's all a mindset." Those comments would be considered highly insensitive.

How do I respond to people who make these insensitive remarks to me or to others who have endured trauma? -- Grieving My Childhood

Dear Grieving My Childhood: What an important letter. Having to endure any type of trauma is awful and potentially an ongoing process. It is insensitive for someone to convey the message that you should "get over it." My guess is that these words come from a place of their not knowing what type of trauma you experienced, or what grief feels like. If they did know what you went through, they might give you a huge motherly hug and just hold you, or they might know that you need space and time.

You are correct that the memory of the trauma will never go away, but with a good therapist, which you seem to have, you could find both physical and mental release. Somatic Healing is a great option in helping with PTSD and can lessen some of the nightmares and flashbacks.

Your letter will help other people understand trauma better. Good luck to you, warrior woman. My hope is that you will continue to transcend the trauma from your childhood and live a life that is not just coping but one that is shining bright and that allows others to heal as well. You are on the right track by showing so much wisdom.

Comments

[staranise]

But where... is the actual response to the letter? Is the advice actually "Tell those people about your trauma and go to therapy"?

[cereta]

Yeah, I just...

Okay, bias alert: I spent over 18 months taking a class/doing a program in Dialectical Behavior Therapy, and still work with it. But what I'm reading in this letter sounds a lot like the LW is more or less on a pretty good track: she's accepted what happened to her, that she will always have feelings about it, and that she can't make those feelings go away. What she needs to do is learn to cope with them in the moment, and other people diminishing them won't help that.

Sadly, I don't think telling them more will necessarily fix that. I've seen people tell everyone from rape victims to Holocaust survivors that they just need to buck up, forget about it, stop living in the past! The only real suggestion I have is just to look at them completely seriously and say, "I know you mean well, but it really doesn't help me when you say things like that. In fact, it makes things worse."

[minoanmiss]

Telling them more often just gives them more ammunition.

[kiezh]

I like your script. In the spirit of Captain Awkward, I might also add a suggestion to redirect - either to tell them what it *would* be helpful to say (esp if this is a friend or someone you actually want to keep hanging out with - giving them a script to follow can help minimize clueless flailing), or change the topic. Or, if it's possible, to just end the interaction.

In particularly egregious cases of "why can't you just forgive and forget??? (so I will be more comfortable)" I have also gone for the aggressive option and listed, calmly and factually, the horrible things that I am not, in fact, ever going to "get over" and ask them point blank if they think those things were okay and forgettable. If they keep trying to minimize, I keep broken-record repeating the Actual Facts. (This was not for total strangers, but for family who already knew about the events and just wanted to brush them under the carpet, so no actual disclosure was involved. Just pointed reminders.)

It's not a particularly nice option, but then, they weren't being nice to me. (And it makes me feel... not exactly better, because UGH, but satisfactorily defiant? Like, "No, you cannot silence me with social pressure. Not happening. I am prepared to make this Really Goddamn Awkward until you back down and stop being an abuse apologist at me.")

But mostly people are awful about trauma, so if it doesn't push "I am being silenced" buttons, not talking about it, or being vague and changing the subject, is likely to be the least stressful option. :/
(eta: which is, yes, awful and shouldn't be the case. deliberately not talking about things is also stressful! only the person in question can decide, in any given situation, which stress they feel more equipped to handle.)

Actually I think my real suggestion for LW would be "hang out with other people who Know Trauma and won't be jerks about it, so you have a social circle where this doesn't constantly happen and you can get a break from society's collective victim-blaming jerkbrain."

[rosefox]

This is such a terrible answer, because it doesn't answer her very practical question! It's just a long version of "it's all a mindset" and "focus on the positive", which is exactly what the LW hates.

For practical answers for "what do I say to these people", I'd look to Captain Awkward, who's given lots of advice on similar topics, and I'd also consider (as much as I hate to say it) not telling people about the trauma unless they've proven they can be trusted to handle it well.

[cereta]

I'm glad you at least are sorry to say it. Part of the reason I posted this is that there is a small majority of commenters on Arcamax saying, "Well, just don't tell anyone about it!" Like, seriously, one person is saying that no one she's met since her divorce from an abusive spouse even knows she was married. I just can't even wrap my head around that idea.

[rosefox]

It's basically asking someone to be closeted about a thing that's significant in their life, and that's always a very difficult call. But sometimes it's the (emotionally) safest thing to do.

[minoanmiss]

*nod* And there's also a big difference in ... attitude? philosophy? between "Regretfully, I can't say it's safe to disclose this to many people, since some are untrustworthy" and "Why aren't you hiding your sordid past like the soiled creature you are?" even though both advocate the same plan.

[evilsusan]

Is it my imagination, or does the "Warrior Woman" not actually self-identify as female or male in their letter? Is this a big assumption from Annie?

[cereta]

It could be an assumption, although most of these letters do come with name and contact information, so it could also just be knowledge from that information.