Dear Coleen: My ungrateful adult daughter is abusive and a sponger

[ayebydan]

Dear Coleen
I am 71, my daughter is 45 and my granddaughter is 19.

They both live with me, my daughter paying £200 a month for their rent.

The trouble is, I have a lot of bills to pay where I live and they don’t help because they’re constantly showering, washing hair, and leaving heaters and the washing machine on.

They also have the granddaughter’s boyfriend to stay on a regular basis, so it all means I have to pay out a lot more than they give.

Not only that, I have to take a lot of abuse (sometimes it’s even physical) when my daughter kicks off about past issues.

I was a single parent, but was able to give her a pretty good life. However, she’s messed up a bit since and takes it out on me.

Neither of them has any respect for me, and my granddaughter always sides with her mother, which I can understand, but it’s tough.

My daughter has been going out with yet another fella who has no intention of settling down with her, so I’m just stuck with all this and I’m not in great health.

I would like to sell my place and move somewhere where I have some company, but it seems those two are just waiting for me to die.

Coleen says
I think it’s high time you pleased yourself.

You’ve been a good father and I imagine it must have been a struggle at times bringing up a child on your own.

If I were you, I’d start house hunting.

Perhaps you’ll find an apartment in a community of people a similar age to yourself and, when you find somewhere you like, put your home on the market.

In the meantime, please don’t put up with abuse at home.

It’s still your home and you need to set some boundaries – whether that’s saying no to overnight guests or increasing the rent a bit.

Also, make it clear that if there’s any more aggression, then you’ll ask your daughter to leave.

She’s 45 and should be able to take responsibility for herself and her behaviour.

If she can’t have a discussion without flaring up, then she needs to learn to walk away until she’s calm.

Sometimes a bit of tough love is what’s required and you have to put your own needs first.

Perhaps if your daughter had to stand on her own two feet, she’d start making a life for herself and make better decisions.

Comments

[ayebydan]

I mean...semi decent advice but I wouldn't give the daughter time to change. If she is physically abusing her father she and her daughter can pack their bags and get out NOW and take the boyfriend with them. Plus, £200 for the two of them is pitiful as a contribution if the pair, or at least the mother, is working.

[ambyr]

Nothing in the letter indicates the LW’s gender; I’m curious whether it was specified in parts that were cut (I know letters are often edited down) or whether the columnist is leaping to conclusions.

[ayebydan]

The post came with a picture of an elderly man but that doesn't confirm 100% to be fair.

[cereta]

See a lawyer, see a lawyer, see a lawyer. (I confess, I do not know enough about British law to know if "solicitor" or "barrister" applies here.) If she is paying rent of any kind (and sometimes even if she's not), she's a tenant, and I don't know about British law, but in the US, there are formalities that need to be observed. Document the physical abuse. It would not be a bad idea to see if there are any elder welfare groups/agencies where you live. I do think that the best bet is to (while observing any legal formalities) put the home up for sale. Yes, there are ways these leeches can try to sabotage that process, but it eventually cuts off a simple refusal to leave.

[angelofthenorth]

It would be a solicitor. If you have someone living in the landlord's home, not as an external tenant IYSWIM, then they have fewer rights, and can be bundled out really easily. With the abuse documented, then no court is going to get in the way.

I agree with you about elder care - Shelter do a 50+ support scheme, so do Age Concern and the Red Cross.

[movingfinger]

I feel this person needs to involve their local authorities/agencies, and I know they may consider that shameful or wrong or dangerous, but they need protection and backup. I do believe that social services will help, if they allow it. Raising the rent a little, trying small or incremental change to the situation---I think that won't work and the abuser may escalate. Evicting them is going to take real enforcement.

I wish the advice was better. I am worried about this person.

[xenacryst]

I feel like I'm reading one side of a scratched mirror. On the one hand, elder abuse happens, and I don't want to dismiss it. On the other, this letter has just enough of the "it's not me, it's them" red flags of estranged parents that I'm not sure what to take at face value. The main thing I take is that we don't have anywhere near the full story and that probably there's some emotional landmines on both sides of the fence. I'd suggest a lawyer and a family therapist, both, as a first step.

[ayebydan]

Yeah, re-reading it after your comment I see the flags.

A family therapist is hard to get in the UK. They would either have to go private and hope there is one with time and space in the area or probably settle it themselves. Unless the situation escalates to hospitalisation I doubt the NHS would interfere with counseling but ask them to handle it themselves.

[monanotlisa]

Agreed. Hmm.

Therapists are generally harder to come by in Europe; in Germany you can find them, and even pay for them privately if you so choose (none of those crazy 500 USD/session costs you find in the US), but their availability tends to be along the lines of, "Oh yeah, in three months I can have one first session, then one the month after."

Solicitors, though, should be a dime a dozen. Good ones will require some due diligence in search, of course. But that part is affordable and doable, should that mother really seek nothing but justice.