colorwheel (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
colorwheel) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
agonyaunt2019-01-29 12:42 am
colorwheel) wrote in agonyaunt2019-01-29 12:42 am
Entry tags:
Care and Feeding: Why Is My Family So Mean to My Daughter?
Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m a single mom and my daughter is 4. She’s bright, funny, generous, and headstrong. Like most 4-year-olds, she occasionally cops some attitude, like shouting, “Everyone stop talking!” when she wants to say something. Sometimes she melts down into a sobbing mess in response to setbacks or difficulties, but I think this is pretty normal. I don’t love it, but I accept it and we deal with it as best as we can. I’m pretty sure I’m doing this parenting thing all right.
The problem is my mom and sister. They react in pretty negative ways to her behavior. On Christmas Eve, for example, while we were all together in the car looking at light displays, my daughter started crying because we didn’t get out and walk around. It was totally my fault; I wasn’t wearing warm-enough shoes. But my sister snapped, “If you don’t stop crying, Santa won’t want to come tonight!” Of course, she cried more. My sister is constantly trying to take food off her plate or stare at her across the table because she thinks it’s “hilarious,” which of course causes my daughter to become more upset. I ask her to stop but she still does it anyway. (She did these things to me as a kid too because she has absolutely no respect for personal boundaries.)
When my mom comes to our house and my daughter makes even the slightest noise that sounds like it could turn into crying, she immediately tells my daughter, “I’m just going to leave!” or “That’s why I don’t like coming over here!” or “Your mom never acted this way!” It’s so painfully obvious that Mom doesn’t really enjoy being around her most of the time.
This hurts my daughter in many ways and I’m busting my buns to counteract it for her with tons of positive reinforcement and love, so for me, it’s excruciatingly exhausting. I feel like I’ve got three children (two of them demon spawn who should know better) and no help. I don’t have a partner to share my concerns with or to help me get my daughter through rough patches, and the rest of my family seems to be intent on making her feel like shit if she isn’t “perfectly behaved,” which makes me feel like shit too.
Good luck with family therapy. Mom doesn’t want to and my sister doesn’t understand she needs to. I’d be happy to go on my own, though. We live five minutes away from them, so getting distance isn’t an option. My dad tries to stay out of all family issues, so it feels like it’s just me against the world. Any advice beyond getting a mani/pedi sometimes to cool off and loving my daughter with the power of 1,000 suns?
—Grow Up!
Dear Grow Up!
I’m so sorry! Your daughter sounds like a perfectly “normal” 4-year-old to me, and you seem like a thoughtful and overextended mom trying to do it all. Where is your fun sitcom montage??
The answer, I think, is that you need to go find yourself some more friends. Friends who also have young children, and therefore have reasonable expectations for their behavior. Hit up the internet for local mom groups, chat up more parents at whatever sort of activities your kid does outside the home, and generally just treat this like online dating until you have at least two friends you can call after your sister leaves you in a puddle of frustration.
As for your mother and sister: Do your best not to call them out in front of your daughter. It’s much better to grab them in the hallway and say, very clearly, “Don’t threaten my child with Santa not coming.” If they get mad, let them. As my best friend’s grandmother used to say, there are people in this world who are radiators and people who are drains, and I am sure you can tell where I am going with this.
You have a lot on your plate. I’m cheering for you.
I’m a single mom and my daughter is 4. She’s bright, funny, generous, and headstrong. Like most 4-year-olds, she occasionally cops some attitude, like shouting, “Everyone stop talking!” when she wants to say something. Sometimes she melts down into a sobbing mess in response to setbacks or difficulties, but I think this is pretty normal. I don’t love it, but I accept it and we deal with it as best as we can. I’m pretty sure I’m doing this parenting thing all right.
The problem is my mom and sister. They react in pretty negative ways to her behavior. On Christmas Eve, for example, while we were all together in the car looking at light displays, my daughter started crying because we didn’t get out and walk around. It was totally my fault; I wasn’t wearing warm-enough shoes. But my sister snapped, “If you don’t stop crying, Santa won’t want to come tonight!” Of course, she cried more. My sister is constantly trying to take food off her plate or stare at her across the table because she thinks it’s “hilarious,” which of course causes my daughter to become more upset. I ask her to stop but she still does it anyway. (She did these things to me as a kid too because she has absolutely no respect for personal boundaries.)
When my mom comes to our house and my daughter makes even the slightest noise that sounds like it could turn into crying, she immediately tells my daughter, “I’m just going to leave!” or “That’s why I don’t like coming over here!” or “Your mom never acted this way!” It’s so painfully obvious that Mom doesn’t really enjoy being around her most of the time.
This hurts my daughter in many ways and I’m busting my buns to counteract it for her with tons of positive reinforcement and love, so for me, it’s excruciatingly exhausting. I feel like I’ve got three children (two of them demon spawn who should know better) and no help. I don’t have a partner to share my concerns with or to help me get my daughter through rough patches, and the rest of my family seems to be intent on making her feel like shit if she isn’t “perfectly behaved,” which makes me feel like shit too.
Good luck with family therapy. Mom doesn’t want to and my sister doesn’t understand she needs to. I’d be happy to go on my own, though. We live five minutes away from them, so getting distance isn’t an option. My dad tries to stay out of all family issues, so it feels like it’s just me against the world. Any advice beyond getting a mani/pedi sometimes to cool off and loving my daughter with the power of 1,000 suns?
—Grow Up!
Dear Grow Up!
I’m so sorry! Your daughter sounds like a perfectly “normal” 4-year-old to me, and you seem like a thoughtful and overextended mom trying to do it all. Where is your fun sitcom montage??
The answer, I think, is that you need to go find yourself some more friends. Friends who also have young children, and therefore have reasonable expectations for their behavior. Hit up the internet for local mom groups, chat up more parents at whatever sort of activities your kid does outside the home, and generally just treat this like online dating until you have at least two friends you can call after your sister leaves you in a puddle of frustration.
As for your mother and sister: Do your best not to call them out in front of your daughter. It’s much better to grab them in the hallway and say, very clearly, “Don’t threaten my child with Santa not coming.” If they get mad, let them. As my best friend’s grandmother used to say, there are people in this world who are radiators and people who are drains, and I am sure you can tell where I am going with this.
You have a lot on your plate. I’m cheering for you.
no subject
When my mom comes to our house and my daughter makes even the slightest noise that sounds like it could turn into crying, she immediately tells my daughter, “I’m just going to leave!” or “That’s why I don’t like coming over here!”
that's something a kid could really absorb, especially since it's not a one-off. i understand that they live 5 minutes away, but i wanted boundaries with consequences drawn around the family members talking to the kid that way.
no subject
But LW, you've got one more year before your kid's memories start really settling in- or at least I remember very little before 5. What do you want her to remember? Try Adopt A Grandparent, you'll probably have better luck than you did in the genetic lottery.
no subject
no subject
Actually, a child just getting into school age is a pretty good way to meet other mothers/caregivers.
Of course, I don't know how the stigma of 'single mom' will play out socially in her locality, or her personality type (the fact that LW has clung to her rather awful family for emotional support suggests to me that she's not very good at casual friendmaking - a child's infancy/toddlerhood tends to be one of the most productive times for women to make contact with other women in the same life stage, because she doesn't have to talk about herself, she can just talk about her child and build things on from there).
So, yes, distance herself from Mom and Sister, maybe see if Dad will do things with her and her daughter (if he cares to), otherwise find a social group that isn't family, even if it's only a mother's group. (Do they have mother's groups in the US?)
no subject
"There's the door. You can come back when you're willing to act your age."
no subject
Hell with that. Call them out in front of your daughter so she knows you're standing up for her. And invite them over less, or not at all. If your family makes you and your kid feel like shit, you do not need to be around them.
no subject
no subject
I'm more concerned about the kid having support in the face of relatives. I'm pretty sure that, at 4, she knows that something's wrong.
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
this this this this this this.
no subject
no subject
My parents failed to adequately protect my sister from our sadistic grandfather (he liked to tickle) and she was stuck sneaking around trying to avoid him or his attention, but of course they would still make her stay at his house.