Dear Prudence: My girlfriend thinks I should "appreciate" my abusive mother more.

[fairestcat]

Dear Prudence,

When she was 24, my girlfriend, “Lisa,” lost her mother to a sudden illness. By all accounts, Lisa’s mother was incredible—intelligent, accomplished, a pillar of the community. Five years later, Lisa still struggles with the loss. I know I will never truly understand what this feels like, as my own mother is alive and well, but I’ve tried to be supportive nevertheless.

Lisa has been pretty clear that she has “little patience” for people who have bad relationships with their (living) mothers. My own mother was borderline abusive. She kicked me out for my sexual orientation, turned my siblings against one another, and cheated on my father for years. We do not have a good relationship. Lisa knows to not push me to make amends. However, she is impatient and displeased that I don’t “appreciate” my mother while she’s still alive.

This is the only fight Lisa and I keep coming back to. In all other ways, we are compatible, and she’s the love of my life. But I will never be close with my mother, and Lisa’s will never come back. Does this mean we will never get over this dynamic? Or should we just agree to put a moratorium on all mother-related discussions? What if this keeps coming up?

—Maternal Woes

Since Lisa’s your girlfriend and not just a buddy you grab drinks with after work, it’ll be difficult to never discuss your mother with her again. To whatever extent it’s possible, however, limiting the amount of time you spend discussing your mother with her will go a long way toward keeping the peace.

That’s best as a short-term strategy. If Lisa’s really the love of your life and you can see yourself staying together for years, you two are going to have to find a way to at least occasionally talk about your problems with your mother that don’t all come back to “Your mother’s still alive, so I don’t really want to hear about your issues with her.”

The important distinction between Lisa’s situation and yours, though, is that she had a mother who was capable of intimacy without causing harm. You say Lisa knows not to push you to make amends, but I’m not sure what amends you could offer your mother, given that the problems in your relationship stem from her rejection of your sexual orientation—you can’t, and shouldn’t, apologize for that. Any repair would have to come from your mother’s own admission of how she harmed you, and as long as she’s unable or unwilling to do that, there’s a limit to how close you could ever be with her without hurting yourself.

The maternal relationship is not a transferable one. Whether or not you speak to your mother can neither enhance nor discredit Lisa’s relationship with hers. You can give her space to grieve, let her tell you what her mother was like, try to honor her memory together. And for her part, Lisa should not pressure you to get closer with your mother for the mere sake of maternal proximity, without regard for your own history or well-being.