¡Hola Papi!: Am I Wrong to Be Annoyed With the Term 'Partner'?

[fairestcat]

¡Hola Papi!

So, I recently got two new roommates, a cis guy and a cis girl. They started dating, and when they introduce themselves to other people, they use the words "my partner." They are bi, but I feel that their relationship isn't a queer one. It really ticks me off. Am I being gatekeepy, or are my rolling side-eyes justified?

Signed,
Dowdy, Partner

Hi, Dowdy!

First of all, your roommates started dating while they were already living together? Wow. I did not know you could do that. Imagine someone deciding to date you after they’ve seen the way you live. At your lowest point. At you, crying on the floor with an empty Artichoke Pizza box in your hands at 3 a.m. because you forgot you already ate it on the train. I am afraid of your roommates, reader. They are not like us. They are stronger.

Anyway, per your dilemma, I have great news! There’s actually a pretty straightforward process for any couple that wants to call each other “partner,” and it is laid out thusly:

First, acquire a horse. In my experience, this is undoubtedly the hardest part. They are not as docile as propaganda disseminated by Big Horse™ would have you believe. Once you’ve acquired a horse, you must find someone else with a horse. This is the second-hardest part; hardly anyone owns a horse these days. But it’s all downhill from there, really: Then you just have to rob one measly bank. Fill your burlap sack to the brim with gold (draw a giant dollar sign on it for flair) and ride hard toward the purple-pink horizon, which holds adventures unknown just beyond the gentle curve of the earth.

In an arid desert, sitting next to a crackling fire and staring off into space, reveal your tragic backstory. Only one of you has to do this, and honestly if you want to be renewed for another season it’s better if one of you withholds theirs. After you tell your tale, allow a sacred pause to engulf the both of you. With your eyes on the moon, say, “Partners?” If the moon replies with “Partners” or “I reckon so,” then congratulations! You are partners.

I wasted so much time on that fake scenario. I’m so sorry. The real answer is so brief that I needed filler, and I have a creative writing degree that I haven’t put mileage on in a while. Ahem. Your roommates have every right to call each other partner, or whatever they want to call each other, really. It’s their relationship. Sure, you can be annoyed with it. I once knew a couple who called each other “honeydew” and “little lady.” But I’m not a victim. I grew from it and I learned.

On the other hand, I do think all queer people are justified in keeping our side-eye in a perpetual state of vigilance for cishet tomfoolery, and it’s always worth interrogating relative privilege within the queer community. There is privilege inherent in any relationship that reads as straight. But your roommates are bisexual, and being in a relationship that may read as straight from an outside perspective doesn’t erase their queerness. It would indeed be gatekeepy to tell them what they can or can’t call each other.

As for the kerfuffle over the term “partner” in general, I actually like that it deemphasizes gender and connotes a certain equity among all parties involved. Yeah, there are cishet people who use it self-righteously, as if they are single-handedly dismantling the patriarchy by dropping the word at parties, but those people are annoying for a litany of other, much more pressing reasons. If I were you, I would mind my own business and just hope they don’t break up while I’m living with them.

And anyway, Dowdy… aren’t we all partners in the cosmic law firm of life?

No.

No, we are not. That is not what the universe is.

— Papi

Comments

[neotoma]

The LW is totally being gatekeep-y, and more common it is to refer to one's romantic partner as 'partner', the better for everyone.

[fairestcat]

My test case for lgbtq advice columnists is always going to be how they handle this kind of bisexual erasure/gatekeeping. I'm really pleased that Papi passed.

Personally, I find that when I'm talking to people I don't know, I'm much more likely to refer to my husband as my "partner" and my wife as my "wife." I'd much rather be assumed queer and then reveal a husband, than assumed straight and then reveal a wife. (This in situations that don't involve me revealing both.)

[moem]

I'm mostly female, mostly cis, and so far completely het. My partner is cishet and male. I call him 'partner' in situations where it's not important what his gender is and I just want to imply something like 'significant other' which is not a construction that we have in Dutch.
I mean, what other options do I have? Boyfriend sounds silly to me since we're over 50 and long out of high school; we aren't married so he's not my husband. Friend is too general; we're living together and in a long term relationship. Sometimes I use it anyway in Dutch, because that is generally what people use.

If someone ever gets pissed off over me calling him my partner, they can try and suggest me a better option.

[delight]

If one of them is bi, it's a queer relationship.

If both of them are bi, as the letter seems to imply, it's like a double queer relationship!

[movingfinger]

LW should stop with the language policing and instead spend some time, effort, and money (savings) so they're prepared to take care of themselves if the partnership busts up awkwardly. Having roommates become a couple can be difficult both practically and emotionally.

I suspect that LW has unspoken feelings about being left out of the party (that signoff), and that may be the real problem underlying the sniping about unauthorized use of the word "partner."

[ladydreamer]

"They are bi, but I feel that their relationship isn't a queer one."

Oh, shut-up.

[sara]

The advice columnist is excellent.

I am perhaps an outlier in that I have an opposite-sex WORK partner, and there is consistently some confusion in work and social circles about my relationship with him, so I would like another term other than the very awkward "work-partner" that I could use to describe that relationship now that "partner" is mostly "romantic partner" and not "person with whom I jointly engage in business and professional transactions."

IDK, we need some nice gender-neutral terms that represent "Bill, the person I'm fucking regularly and share a household with" and "Ted, the person I co-author reports and gripe about our shared boss with" because those ARE important social distinctions.

[rosefox]

There is privilege inherent in any relationship that reads as straight.

Yes and no. I sure didn't feel it was a privilege to be constantly mistaken for a straight person, by both queer and unqueer people, when I was desperately in need of queer community.

I once mentioned to a coworker that I was a judge for the Lambda Awards. "I didn't know they let straight people do that," she said. I stared at her. "They don't," I said, and waited for the penny to drop.

It was a real relief for me when my other partner (then female-identified) moved in and I could start saying "MY GIRLFRIEND" at every opportunity.

[firecat]

I like Papi.

How nice that because my nonbinary ass is usually misgendered as female some people are probably also assuming me to be an annoying cishet person using the word partner "self-righteously."

I also use "sweetie." I wonder if that counts as self-righteous.

[xenacryst]

The only complaint I have with this response is that I believe Papi misspelled "pardner" in the first part of the response.

[eleanorjane]

This is so weird to me. I'm not sure if this is a location thing, perhaps - I'm in Aus - but "partner" is very normal here to refer to "committed SO", usually with the implications of 1) cohabitation and 2) not being formally married.


I really had no idea at all that it was "supposed" to only be used for queer relationships. No-one I know got that memo.