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Dear Annie: Husband has a Night in with Someone Else
Dear Annie: I was recently out of town for a long weekend with some girlfriends. When I returned home, I opened the refrigerator and commented to my husband of 30 years that based on the leftovers, he must have prepared a nice meal for himself. He responded that he had invited my best friend, who is single, over to have dinner and watch a football game. He had not mentioned this to me during our text correspondence over the weekend. They are also good friends. I would not have minded if they had gone to a public place for a meal or a game, but I feel that the intimacy of their having dinner in our home was inappropriate. My husband said it did not occur to him that anything was wrong with what he did. I know nothing intimate happened between them. My girlfriend and I have been best friends for 25 years. Am I being too sensitive? -- Surprised
Dear Surprised: Yes, you probably are being a little too sensitive about where your husband and best friend had dinner. But if your wish is that he have dinner at a restaurant and not your house, you should tell him. You were unable to tell him because the real issue is that you were gone for a girls weekend and only communicated with your husband via text. Marriage is about intimacy and communication. Had you or he picked up the phone, you probably would have been more reassured to hear his voice, and he most likely would have mentioned to you that your friend was coming over to the house. At that point, you could have said you really would prefer that they go to a restaurant. Relationships are all about verbal communication, and we invite trouble when we expect our partners to be mind readers.
Dear Surprised: Yes, you probably are being a little too sensitive about where your husband and best friend had dinner. But if your wish is that he have dinner at a restaurant and not your house, you should tell him. You were unable to tell him because the real issue is that you were gone for a girls weekend and only communicated with your husband via text. Marriage is about intimacy and communication. Had you or he picked up the phone, you probably would have been more reassured to hear his voice, and he most likely would have mentioned to you that your friend was coming over to the house. At that point, you could have said you really would prefer that they go to a restaurant. Relationships are all about verbal communication, and we invite trouble when we expect our partners to be mind readers.
no subject
There was a considerable to-do twenty years ago when a male friend drove me to visit my grandparents after my grandfather was diagnosed with terminal cancer. (My husband couldn't get time off of work, I can't drive, and getting there by bus takes 10 hours longer than driving does.) Everything became okay once they discovered that the male friend played cards with my husband every week so that he was my husband's friend (from their POV) rather than mine and was doing my husband a favor.
It hadn't occurred to me, my husband, or our friend that it would be an issue, but I suspect that, for a fair percentage of the people I went to high school with, this would still be a big deal. Not necessarily because of mistrust in the relationships but because of local gossip. I haven't lived in a small town in decades, but the size of the community changes things.
It might be as much about the neighbor making judgy comments at the grocery store as about the event itself. Which is a completely different sort of thing to be sensitive about.