Dear Annie: Husband has a Night in with Someone Else

[cereta]

Dear Annie: I was recently out of town for a long weekend with some girlfriends. When I returned home, I opened the refrigerator and commented to my husband of 30 years that based on the leftovers, he must have prepared a nice meal for himself. He responded that he had invited my best friend, who is single, over to have dinner and watch a football game. He had not mentioned this to me during our text correspondence over the weekend. They are also good friends. I would not have minded if they had gone to a public place for a meal or a game, but I feel that the intimacy of their having dinner in our home was inappropriate. My husband said it did not occur to him that anything was wrong with what he did. I know nothing intimate happened between them. My girlfriend and I have been best friends for 25 years. Am I being too sensitive? -- Surprised

Dear Surprised: Yes, you probably are being a little too sensitive about where your husband and best friend had dinner. But if your wish is that he have dinner at a restaurant and not your house, you should tell him. You were unable to tell him because the real issue is that you were gone for a girls weekend and only communicated with your husband via text. Marriage is about intimacy and communication. Had you or he picked up the phone, you probably would have been more reassured to hear his voice, and he most likely would have mentioned to you that your friend was coming over to the house. At that point, you could have said you really would prefer that they go to a restaurant. Relationships are all about verbal communication, and we invite trouble when we expect our partners to be mind readers.

Comments

[minoanmiss]

Oh hey I've lived this one, kinda. I mean, I'm not single, but I am friends with a couple where I've hung out with one spouse while the other one was away. And so, we had told the other spouse beforehand that we were doing this. One time we spontaneously had dinner and told the spouse right away, as part of the spouses checking in with each other like they do. I think the husband should have told the wife before/during hanging out with the friend, not Because OF Course This Is Suspicious but just because people with interlinked lives should keep each other appraised.

If I were hanging out with this friend and found out they hadn't told their spouse I'd feel weird about it myself -- I wouldn't want the spouse to feel like maybe they couldn't trust me after all. But then I probably would have told their spouse by then anyway, since the spouse is also my friend and I think "I'm going to be in your house while you're away" is a sensible thing to let my friend know.

So, more communication, everyone! And texting totally counts as communication! (WTF was that part of the response).

[ayebydan]

Wouldn't you want your friends to trust you not to jump their spouses though?

[minoanmiss]

I do, but I also want to be seen to be aboveboard in order to help my friend trust me. Everyone gives a little and we all end up with more than we started with.

[ayebydan]

In some instances sure but this just feels controlling to me. Controlling her husband, controlling her friend. She is insecure and that cannot end well for anyone involved.

It is not fair on the friend to be expected to meet the husband only outside the home. Can they financially do that? I do not agree with spouses putting limitations on their SO's friendships unless the friend is dangerous in some way ie drugs, crime ect.

[minoanmiss]

Oh, yeah, I don't agree with the "only outside the home" bit. But/and ... that's what I mean by "everyone gives a little". They make sure she's never blindsided by this, and she doesn't draw such a stringent line in the sand, and everyone can be happy. At least, I hope it would work as well that way as it does for me and my friends.

(I hope this makes sense, there's a lot of background noise)