¡Hola Papi!: I Caught My Manager On Grindr. Should I Tell His Wife?

[rosefox]

¡Hola Papi!

I work in a corporate office for a large company, and I’m the only person who reports to my manager. We’re a small team and our personalities click pretty well, so my manager and I have a tight working relationship and a closer-than-average personal relationship in spite of our age difference (I’m mid-20s, he’s mid-50s).

Here’s the thing: I recently opened Grindr at work (something I regularly do) and noticed a new person with no photo or info listed except for his age. The app listed this person as nine feet away from me. Curious as to who this might be, I walked around the floor to triangulate this person, and it looked like it could be one of two people — one being my manager. And the profile age matched my manager’s age!

A little suspect, I starred the profile. The next week, I attended an offsite meeting at my manager’s house, which is in a low-density suburban area. When I arrived (I was the first one there), I opened Grindr. The same profile had been online 20 minutes before and was now 12 feet away.

I’m sure this profile is my manager, and I feel incredibly awkward about it. While I haven’t messaged the profile, it feels odd to know that my (presumably) happily married manager is on Grindr. I cannot stop thinking about it. Do I say something? Do I shut up? Help me, Papi.

Best,
Grindr Findr

Hi, Findr!

If your boss isn’t messaging you, and if the situation isn’t impacting your daily grind (ha!), then his anonymous profile isn’t your business and you shouldn’t bring it up. Thanks for your question!

Now, please enjoy this interview I conducted with noted bee expert Gwen Pearson of Purdue University. I am very concerned about bees, as I read somewhere that they are dying, and she knows a lot about bees.

[bee interview omitted for length but you can read the whole amazing thing at https://www.them.us/story/hola-papi-mind-your-own-beeswax ]

Comments

[rosefox]

I'm totally in love with this advice column; thanks for finding it, fairestcat!

[fairestcat]

I can't even remember how I stumbled on it, but I'm so glad I did. I'm completely in love.

[lilysea]

Dear LW:

It is possible that your manager has an open relationship, or an arrangement, with his wife, and is practicing consensual nonmonogamy.

If this is the case, this will be the most awkward conversation EVER.

[jadelennox]

Lesson 344,462,111,045 in why location services are evil and you should turn it off on every app that doesn't need it to function.

[minoanmiss]

I STG, what is it with people being amateur "cheater hunters"? I do not care about the internal details of others' consensual relationships*. There's a story which has happened several times and/or is an Urban Legend, where 2 people have a relationship others don't know about (are married, are relatives, etc) and they get talkings-to from people concerned about their "infidelity" and/or warnings that their SO is being "unfaithful". It sounds funny but I cannot imagine how stressful it must have been to live through.

*: I considered putting 'non-abusive' up there too, because, obviously, if someone needs my help to deal with an abusive relationship, that's another matter, but then I thought about even some of the ramifications and wrote this footnote.

The pungence of hypocrisy in the air

[movingfinger]

This response seems incomplete. Not a Grindr user, but isn't it the case that, having set up the profile, the manager can see how often his employee is on there at work? The suburban-house thing might have been the manager tracking the employee's proximity, too, as he was expected at the meeting.

If it's possible to block on Grindr, the employee should do that and never, ever have that screen up at work in case it's noticed again.

There is no good reason to open Grindr at the office. Don't do that. Leave the building.

[cereta]

You know, I'm one of the few people I know who would probably tell a friend if I knew their spouse was cheating on them, and even I know this is complete MYOB situation. And quit playing at Nancy Drew.

[xenacryst]

Or, you know, swipe right and hook up with your manager! It could be exciting! Dare to live, and all!

(Ow, ow, ow. How do I extract my tongue from my cheek when it's that far in?)