Ask Natalie: Date with a bad tipper

[cereta]

DEAR NATALIE: I went on a dinner date recently and everything was going great until the bill came. He paid it and went to the bathroom. Well, while he was gone, I took a peek and saw that he left our waitress a three dollar tip. The dinner was more than 80 dollars. I was totally mortified and so I fumbled through my purse to find some cash. I tried sticking more money in the check holder but he came out and saw me. He got really upset and said that he doesn’t believe in “automatic tipping” and that the service was “subpar” at best. I disagreed and we left the dinner very annoyed with one another. Well, after a week, he texted me and asked me out again. He said he wanted a “do-over” and apologized. Now I don’t know what to think. I really did like him, but I’m not sure I can get over what happened. Any thoughts? --TIPPED OFF

DEAR TIPPED OFF: In the words of the very wise Maya Angelou: “People show you who they are...so believe them.” Unless he apologizes and tips like a Rockefeller from here on out, I would be very wary. Not just because of the tipping incident, but if he is stingy with his money, what else is he going to be stingy with? Time? Affection? The ability to compromise or see the world from other perspectives? Does he lack empathy? Laugh if you will, but I believe that how a person tips defines different parts of their character and I bet that you do, too, considering that you snuck a peek when the bill arrived. I believe in giving second chances, but really pay attention to how he treats not only waiters, but other service providers, as well. There is nothing more unattractive than a snob.

Comments

[cereta]

You know, Latin had a great insult for people who treated those who were somehow in their service with contempt: irrumator. (Note: the literal meaning is graphically sexual, so look it up at your own risk.) I've often thought the we need a word like that. The closest I can come to is jackass. Look long and hard at how he treats others, particularly those he has some sort of power over. It says a lot about a person.

[tielan]

Don't look at how a man treats his equals; look at how he treats his inferiors.

And wow, irrumator is indeed an excellent insult. And yes, I looked up the meaning, which...uh, in context, rather accurate.

[conuly]

What gets me is not that he's a bad tipper - although that's a worrisome sign to start with - but that when she tried to fix things, he "got really upset". Why is it his business if she adds a little money to the tip? He's a douche and a loser and she shouldn't go anywhere near him again.

Also: In the USA, our minimum wage laws for restaurant workers are awful. And while businesses are supposed to top up wages if tips don't bring it up to the normal minimum wage (which is still pretty darn low), wage theft is common. Unless service is so bad that you were literally about to walk out without eating your food, you have to tip. A standard tip on an $80 bill is about $16, perhaps as low as $12 if the service was "subpar". If you're not an American, now you know.

[minoanmiss]

What gets me is not that he's a bad tipper - although that's a worrisome sign to start with - but that when she tried to fix things, he "got really upset".

Yes, this. He went from showing her what he believes of those he looks down upon to showing her what he thinks of HER, there. The first was sufficient, IMO, but the latter is a giant flashing warning light.

[ayebydan]

My gut reaction here is just to be glad I don't live in a tipping culture nation. So much strife and politics. I wish servers just got paid a decent wage in the first place in these places. :(

[xenacryst]

Yeah, tipping here is really insidious (as this letter shows). There are some places that have experimented with no-tip paying, and it tends to make everyone happier. It's really illuminating who it doesn't make happier, though: white men, who have a greater tendency to want to tip based, not on actual performance, but on whether they could flirt with the server, whether the server was black, and so on - basically, they want to be in control of the situation. Incidentally, this person's date sounds like just that sort of person.

[jadelennox]

Yeah, it's a really fraught thing. I wish we abolished tips all together.

DC just passed a bill that should increase the tipped minimum to the regular minimum wage by 2026-ish, and the argument was incredibly fraught. Waitstaff at the higher end, who can make serious bank on tips, were against it; waitstaff at the lower end, who suffer massive wage theft and often live in poverty, were for it.

Meanwhile there's all kinds of industries in the US where, unbeknownst to the consumers, there's a reasonable chance the service person is existing only on tips: I know it can happen with shampooers, manicurists, and other people in the beauty industry. I think it's always illegal but still happens.

And with the everything-Uber model (like Uber and Lyft, Taskrabbit, Instacart, etc) sometimes tips are the only thing getting the worker up to a livable wage.

Meanwhile if you stick a tip on a credit card or an automated account instead of cash, many of the owners force the employees (illegally) to pool tips. Instacart does it by policy, and they don't guarantee the tips will all be distributed. Such a freaking scam. I hate it all.

(Also when I'm in Britain I tip at American percentages. It used to embarrass me and now I'm like, WTF, I don't care if they laugh at the soft touch American, better to look like a soft touch foreigner than accidentally get it wrong in the opposite direction and screw someone out of their money.)

[shirou]

Is Natalie's advice usually this good? Although I would have left off the last sentence. Failing to behave like a decent human being is worse than mere snobbery and is not simply unattractive.

[jadelennox]

Failing to behave like a decent human being is worse than mere snobbery and is not simply unattractive.

This.

[minoanmiss]

dear LW: This is an absolutely clear case of "if your date is nice to you and not nice to the waitstaff they are not a nice person." Plus, he argued with *you* as well over your decency. I sincerely doubt you should give him another chance.