Ask Amy: SO. MANY. TRIGGER WARNINGS.

[cereta]

Dear Amy: My women friends and I are all mothers of teenagers. Due to current events, we've discussed sexual assault and the roles and responsibilities of the various parties. One of my closest friends expressed the opinion that many girls these days "dress like tramps," so it's not surprising that boys respond sexually. She even said she had accused her own teenage daughter of this, and then turned to her 13-year-old son, saying that there are two kinds of girls: the ones you could take home to your family and the "other kind."

My other good friend seemed to agree. I said I thought this was a huge mistake, and that she was teaching her son that it's OK to mistreat girls.

In a separate conversation, three moms stated that they have told their sons that they need to watch out for girls these days, because girls are likely to falsely allege sexual assault. Another mom stated that, "The girls deserve what they get" because of the way they dress.

I asked her if she meant rape. She shrugged and said, "Maybe not rape, but I bet they like getting touched." My two other friends nodded in agreement.

I responded that I hoped she was not teaching this to her son, and then I abruptly left, literally seeing red.

Amy, I am floored. I believe that girls should be respected, regardless of their clothing choices. I've made this clear to my daughters and my son. Some of the women I'm describing are my best friends, and I'm struggling to reconcile their views with the kind people they otherwise are.

Your advice if this comes up again?

-- Frustrated Friend

Dear Frustrated: Your friends' despicable "advice" to their teenage sons and daughters is not only ethically wrong, but it is placing other teens at risk. Your own daughter, for example, is interacting with teenage boys who are being told that girls "deserve" to be touched against their will, or assaulted, and that they are basically asking for it.

I only agree with one aspect of this advice, although not for the reason this mom intended: Yes, boys would be wise to "watch out" for girls these days, because girls these days are more likely to fight back or report unwanted touching or sexual assault, rather than silently suffer for years the way women in previous generations have done.

You should continue to advocate for advanced thinking with your friends in this regard. This will affect your friendship, because these women are showing you who they are. They are not wise, or kind -- and they are not good or responsible parents.

Comments

[xenacryst]

Go Amy. The other moms, and quite a lot of the comment section needs to show themselves out the door. If I say anything further I will suddenly fail to be anywhere close to polite.

[cereta]

I just...there are no words. Literally. I try to express myself, and I go non-verbal.

[xenacryst]

Yeah, I'm with you.

[xenacryst]

She even said she had accused her own teenage daughter of this, and then turned to her 13-year-old son, saying that there are two kinds of girls: the ones you could take home to your family and the "other kind."

Think hard about what your daughter heard in this conversation. Think really hard about that. I'll give you some time.

[cereta]

YES.

[minoanmiss]

There is no real way to write a kid a letter saying "Your mother believes that if you are sexually assaulted you will have deserved it, so if you ever are don't tell her but come to me, anytime, no matter what, and I will help you."

At least, I've spent decades unsuccessfully trying to figure out how to write such a letter, because I needed one when I was sixteen, and these women's children* need one now.

*I had put "daughters" but then rethought, because, honestly, with these opinions, how would they react if their sons were assaulted? As well as what they're teaching their sons about being assaulters.

[cereta]

I love the part where they're cautioning their sons against false accusations when the reality is that their sons are more likely to be sexually assaulted than falsely accused.

[sathari]

FLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMES. ON THE SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDE. OF MY FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE.

Good for the LW. Her friends? Need to teach their sons some damn impulse control and the fact that they are responsible for how they choose to act on their own feelings and also for what they do with their own anatomy. (I could rant about this at length. Also, over here on BoredPanda is a dude who found a great male-assigned-anatomy metaphor for the way rape culture feels to women.) (Okay, full disclosure, I have also used similar analogies myself--- i.e., this person is not, as clueless dudes and their enablers insist, giving you a compliment, they are actually threatening you with doing something that's at best unpleasant/disgusting/humiliating and at worst actively painful to you for their own enjoyment.) (There is also a great article on Medium from a woman who discussed the fact that 100% of unwanted/unplanned pregnancies happened because of dudes being irresponsible with their ejaculations, but it's behind a paywall.)

[watersword]

Rather than fling myself into the sun upon encountering the knowledge that these people exist, I would like to put them there.

[conuly]

I think I'm going to be sick. Excuse me.