Dear Annie: 'Throwback Thursday' Pix Anger Friend

[cereta]

Dear Annie: "Lisa," a friend with whom I went to high school, got rhinoplasty -- aka a nose job -- between high school and college. Don't ask me why; I think she had a beautiful face beforehand, but that's a tale for another letter. I'm writing to you about a disagreement that's come up between her and me recently.

I love posting "Throwback Thursday" photos on social media. I do it pretty much every Thursday. Lisa and I were basically attached at the hip in high school, so naturally, a lot of my pictures include her. They also include her old nose -- and this is what Lisa takes issue with.

One time, after I made a post, she texted me, "Take that down!" I thought she was joking, so I laughed off her text. About a month later, I posted another photo that she was in. Then she sent me a much longer text, saying I had disrespected her wishes and made her feel embarrassed. I told her I never meant to make her feel bad -- that those old photos make me feel happy, which is why I share them. I thought we reached an understanding. A few months later, I posted a group photo, which she was in. That's when she went nuclear. Now she's not speaking to me. Annie, was I wrong? -- Thrown Off

Dear Thrown Off: When you look at these photos, you see snapshots of fond memories. When your friend looks at these photos, all she sees are "before" pictures. That's a shame. It seems that she is still carrying a lot of insecurity about her looks and her surgery. Let's hope she makes peace with that. If you want to keep peace with her until then, avoid posting old photos of just her or the two of you. It is her likeness, after all, and not every memory needs to be shared with the whole world. Sometimes it's better to treasure them privately.

Comments

[shirou]

The friend's request is unreasonable. You don't own the rights to every photo that has ever been taken of you. That said, it's also a small request, so abiding by it shouldn't be a big imposition for the LW.

The LW doesn't seem to have the option of making her friend see reason on this issue. Her choices are (1) abide by the friend's request, or (2) don't, and deal with the possibly friendship-ending fallout. She can decide where her priorities lie. Personally, I would chalk this up to a personality quirk and modify my posting habits to preserve the friendship.

[jadelennox]

The friend's request is utterly reasonable. She doesn't own the rights to the picture, and if she made a copyright or DMCA or other legal claim, that would be unreasonable. But there are countless excellent reasons to want to control which pictures of you are available online, especially with your name on them (LW doesn't identify whether she used Lisa's name in the metadata). It's completely reasonable for Lisa to get angry at someone who calls herself a friend after being asked on two separate occasions to stop doing that.

[cereta]

Quirk or not, if I tell a friend that Thing They Are Doing really bothers me, I would be very upset if they laughed and kept doing it. I mean, yes, I can conceive of a friend asking for something that I either couldn't or wouldn't change, but posting pictures on social media? For crying out loud, even Paint can be used to block someone's face.

I suppose I have a different perspective on this, because I am just coming to a point where my daughter is asking for control of what pictures of her I post. Pictures that I think are adorable, she finds embarrassing (she's 11; it's the age), and I am really having to school myself to pause and ask her before I post something. I can't imagine disregarding her wishes. I might still send the picture to her grandparents, but I won't put it on Facebook if she says no.

[shirou]

Quirk or not, if I tell a friend that Thing They Are Doing really bothers me, I would be very upset if they laughed and kept doing it.

Oh yes, I agree, which is why I said if the LW continues posting photos, she needs to be prepared to deal with the potentially friendship-ending fallout.

My kids aren't old enough yet to be aware of social media, but when they are, I will respect their wishes on how to manage photos of them. Between peers, though, it is unrealistic (maybe a better word than unreasonable) to expect the same consideration. Posting a solo shot of a friend might be a little odd, but posting group photos is so very normal that I'm not surprised the LW is "thrown off" by her friend's demands.