Sense and Sensitivty: Mom Wants Dad to Cover Up

[cereta]

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband likes to walk around the house naked. This was fine before we had children, but I think it is inappropriate now. Our daughter is about to turn 3. While she is too young to really know what she’s seeing, I don’t want her to have his private parts in her line of sight at all. If we have a son eventually, my husband may want to be naked around him on occasion so that our boy can see how a man’s body develops, but I draw the line with him being so open around a girl. How do I get him to put his clothes back on? -- Streaking Dad, Cleveland

DEAR STREAKING DAD: Remind your husband that when you two decided to have a family, you knew that certain things would naturally change. One of them needs to be how he dresses at home. Point out that you do not want your daughter to see his naked body because you don’t think it is appropriate. He can wear boxer shorts or some other comfortable clothing, but put your foot down about nudity. Suggest that both of you teach your daughter about modesty, which includes covering your private parts. You can add that if he has a son, there may come times when they share this moment in a locker room or elsewhere, but it should be different for him and his daughter.

Comments

[cereta]

I am curious to see others' response to this. I admit to having something of a horse in this race: we have only one bathroom among three people, most of our upstairs doors don't close all the way, and none of us are very inhibited. My daughter will cheerfully stand by the tub while her father or I bathes, chattering away and pretty much not noticing that we're naked. She's developing a little modesty about her own body (only a little, and very selective in circumstance, which is to say that she mostly gets "modest" when she wants us to go away ;)), but has no real issues with ours. To read some of the comments on the column's website, we're horrible people, and she must be deeply traumatized.

That said, the gender stuff makes me wince a little, although I can't entirely articulate how and why.

[minoanmiss]

I think it's the ... assumption that nudity must have a sexual component? I'm not sure I'm phrasing my thought in the best possible way, but that tweaked me too, that it's wrong for him to be naked around a GURLLLLL but it would be okay if their child were a boy.

I'm not sure I should recommend either the household I grew up in or the one I live in as role models but I don't think it's the nudity which causes any od the issues. *self-referential wry grin*

[rosefox]

It automatically sexualizes nudity, but only in a mixed-gender context. *nosewrinkle*

I think the main issue is that the LW and their husband have different ideas about what's appropriate. This isn't a "put your foot down" situation, but a "have a conversation" situation. Some people are nudists/naturists and understand nonsexual nudity and that's fine. Some people don't want adults to be naked around kids and that's fine. Talk it out.

[minoanmiss]

"It automatically sexualizes nudity, but only in a mixed-gender context. " THAT is the phrasing I was flailing after. *makes a note*

[cereta]

Yes. Your first sentence is exactly what was bothering me.

[amireal]

*ping!* Basically attitudes like this are what feeds the "breastfeeding your children is sexual assault" shrieking. Admittedly that's basically as far as you can go in the other direction about BFing, but basically by sexualizing all nudity, proper nudity at proper times becomes demonized.

[kaberett]

My family of origin is very relaxed abbot casual nudity, and so am I, and that was really not one of the things that caused me problems.

[the_rck]

After a certain point the kid gets a say. Our fifteen year old has asked for a ban on nudity in the hall between the bathroom and bedrooms because she thinks it’s... not wrong exactly. I think she’s trying for a word that covers tacky and embarrassing and weird. So I’ll have to figure out where I left my bathrobe before I shower.

[minoanmiss]

Yeah, my small roommates (10 and 13) pretty much started asking for the grownups to wear a certain level of clothing about a year to 18 months ago (around the same time, interestingly). TBH, I respect their innate senses of modesty more than supposed societal rules

[cereta]

Oh, sure. If my kid expressed an issue with our casual nudity (which is more mine than spouse's, although he gets in and out of the tub/shower when she's in the bathroom, because, well, one bathroom), I would cover.

[tielan]

So any naked man is a sexual threat around LW's daughter? And any naked woman would be a sexual threat around LW's son?

Interesting.

I wonder if LW realises it's this kind of shit that gets people uptight and ranty about public breastfeeding. Although it's entirely possible that, given the tone of this letter, LW would think public breastfeeding is perverted.

[ambyr]

I got plenty of glimpses of my dad’s penis while growing up—we had an open door policy for our bathroom, one person peeing while another person brushed their teeth was the norm—and I didn’t find it particularly scarring. It’s a body part. Treat it as nothing special, and your kid, at least while young, will follow suit.

I do remember that after a certain point—maybe when I was around 9 or 10?—my dad started discreetly draping a washcloth over the relevant region if I wanted to have a long chat with him while he was taking a bath. It’s possible I had started asking questions—that would have been around when basic “this is how a body works” sex ed started at my school—that he didn’t want to deal with, heh.