Annie's Mailbox: Father Struggles With Daughter of His First Marriage

[cereta]

Dear Annie: Twenty-five years ago, my ex-wife left me and took our four children with her. I married again a few years later and now have four lovely, intelligent children who make me very happy. The children from my previous marriage are now in their 30s.

My oldest daughter, "Jean," is a psychologist. Jean has never said I was a bad father, but she makes strange accusations in sporadic messages, such as that I want her to tell me that her life has been terrible. She sent me a birthday gift, but never acknowledges things I send to her, including a photo of her half-siblings. I simply don't understand her, and for a psychologist, she communicates poorly.

The psychologist has now informed the oldest daughter of my present marriage that she will visit us soon, regardless of whether she is in my "good book or bad book" (her phrase). It seems that Jean is saying she doesn't care how I feel about her visit, and that she is trying to form an alliance with my children against me, even though she has never met them and knows next to nothing about them.

I have great faith in the judgment of the children of my present marriage. I want them to meet their half-sister. But I simply don't know how to deal with her myself. -- Perplexed Father in Newfoundland

Dear Perplexed: You and Jean obviously have a distant relationship. We suspect she thinks you "abandoned" her for your new family, whether true or not, and is still nursing some hurt over it. Consider this visit an opportunity to remedy the situation. Welcome her with open arms. Tell her how much you love her and hope to get to know her better as the competent adult she is. Don't rehash the past or place blame on her mother. You also can enlist the help of your other children to create a warmer relationship. Please try.

Comments

[cereta]

I would give a shiny nickel to get "Jean's" side of this story, because just about everything about this letter is off-putting. His ex-wife "took the kids with her"? Did he have no visitation? Even 25 years ago, fathers had pretty equitable rights with children if they chose to pursue them. I don't want to jump to too many conclusions, but I'm struggling against the impression that he wrote off the children of his first marriage and just made a new one. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe the mother alienated the children, or something like that. But his wording is like nails on a chalkboard. For example, after using his daughter's name once (or a pseudonym, although it's often the columnists who create those), he calls her "the psychologist." Who does that? Like I said: I would really love to hear what "Jean" has to say about all this.

[xenacryst]

There's a whole hell of a lot of blame shifting going on in here, yeah. Perplexed is just a clueless old guy, and The Psychologist is one step away from a crazy woman, in this scene, and that kind of imbalance is rarely the whole truth. I'd like to hear from more than just Jean - the other first marriage kids, the ex-wife, even the current marriage family - I think they'd all be able to shed some light on the issue. Like, if ex-wife did, in fact, leave and take the children, I'm going to lay dollars to donuts that she had a good reason to, not that she'd up and gone crazy.

Also, children from divorced parents have some views on their families that sometimes the parents don't quite realize. Especially the parents that aren't the primary caregiver. They may be at odds with the reality that the parents see, but they are real opinions and feelings, and just because they're different doesn't mean they can be blithely dismissed. Take a look, do some digging, have some real communication, and let's see what bubbles up, because this stew isn't done cooking yet.

[cereta]

I find it interesting that he in no way mentions the other three children, yeah.

[jadelennox]

And " I want her to tell me that her life has been terrible" doesn't come out of nowhere, and the LW's naive cluelessness is lacks the appearance of honesty to me.

[minoanmiss]

THIS THIS SO MUCH THIS.

[rymenhild]

Unreliable narrator alert!

[cereta]

Pretty much, yes.

[rosefox]

she is trying to form an alliance with my children against me

Nice use of "my children" vs. "she", who is also one of your children.

I would really, really like to know Jean's side of this. Plus the three Children Not Appearing in This Letter. Also, Jean informed his daughter, not him, that she was visiting? This whole thing is very weird.

[tielan]

If he has such great faith in the judgement of the children of his present marriage, then does it matter if "Jean the psychologist" tries to turn them against him? If he is the good and righteous father that he's painted himself as, then surely he has nothing to fear?

[kiezh]

It would be interesting to hear Jean's side, but since this is the one who wrote for advice...

Consider the possibility, LW, that none of this is actually About You. Maybe Jean wants to get to know her half-siblings, and is capable of having motivations that don't include plotting against you. (Seriously? If she wants to talk to them and not you, that means she's trying to "form an alliance against [you]"?? That's both arrogant and paranoid.)

I mean, maybe she is playing mind-games, who knows, sometimes people do. But people also have awkward relationships with family members they'd rather not talk to in order to establish/maintain relationships with relatives they DO want to talk to. You have faith in your younger kids' judgement? Then have faith in them. Let them have their own relationships with Jean, and don't try to make every interaction with her About You.

Also, stop imputing weird and confusing motives to her, and let go of the need to 'understand' (read: control) her view of you. Take what she says at face value, be as straightforward and kind as you can, and try to accept that other people don't have to justify their perspectives to your satisfaction.

[jadelennox]

THIS THIS THIS.

[eleanorjane]

I must admit, I got my back up about the advice.

"Tell her how much you love her .. enlist the help of your other children to create a warmer relationship. Please try." - that just smacks to me of "BUT FAAAAAAAAAAAMILY".

It's okay to not be close to, or warm with, your family. Jesus.

[cereta]

The Annies were definitely "but faaaaamily" people. OTOH, while it is of course okay not to be close to your family (I'm not close to my siblings), I kind of feel like a parent who has estranged themselves from their children ought to make an effort when one of those children is attempting a reconnection, you know?