Dear Prudence: I hosted my nieces, and they cut me down behind my back

[cereta]

Q. Beach: Since my husband died, I have semi-retired and moved to a one-bedroom cottage on the seashore. I have a sofa bed and welcome people to use it. My college-age nieces begged me to let them bring friends down. I had six girls camping out in my living room. I thought the weekend went smashing (I bought groceries and made waffles for them), but when I got up early to walk the dog and walked into the kitchen, I overheard my nieces cutting me down to their friends. I should be “embarrassed” about my home since my husband left me a lot of money but I “obviously didn’t spend it.” They made fun of my speech, my friendliness, and my nieces said they were “ashamed” to be related to me.

It was devastating. While I was never as close to them as teens as I was when they were little, I never thought they hated me. I walked into the living room and told everyone to start packing—their stay in my home was over. My nieces panicked and apologized, but I told them to save their breath as I had heard every word. One of the girls said their flight wasn’t until tomorrow and told me to get a taxi and a hotel room. I told them they had two hours or I would call the sheriff to remove them from my property.

I called my sister, the girls’ mother, and told them her children were coming home early because of their behavior. My sister has since defended her daughters and insists I “overreacted” and am too “sensitive.” They are only “children,” and I had “threatened to call the police on [my] own family!” It is like having my heart shredded in a meat grinder. I never saw this coming. Worse, my sister doesn’t even deny what her girls said, just excuses it. My brothers are furious on my behalf, but our parents are frail. My nieces are the only grandchildren, and my parents want this all to be over. I don’t know what to do. Please guide me.

A: I agree that there was no reason for you to call the police over this, but you didn’t call them, and you had every right to tell the girls to leave your home. What they said to their friends while enjoying your hospitality was unconscionably cruel and totally unjustifiable, and you did the right thing in telling them to make their own travel arrangements and for refusing to bend when they tried to guilt you into hosting them until the next day. You do not have to forgive and forget just because your parents are elderly. Your nieces are young adults capable of making their own choices, not children, and you have every right to keep your distance as a result of what you overheard. Hopefully they will learn and grow as a result of this, but it’s not your responsibility to welcome them back into your life—they can learn and grow on their own time.

Comments

[cereta]

I had toxic, bordering on abusive roommate situation whose long slide began the night before my birthday, when I lay awake in my bed listening to my two roommates list my many, many flaws, and all the reasons they hated having me around. To this day, I struggle with the sincere conviction that the people who say they like me, who say they're my friends, really don't, and are probably talking to each other behind my back about it.

I want to buy this lady a drink. I want to bake her a pie. I want to make her waffles. And if I ever heard that my daughter had done something like this, I would be mortifyingly disappointed in her.

[minoanmiss]

I want this woman's fortitude and I wish I could lend her an ear and my hospitality.

And wow, some parents apparently have no interest in actually parenting.

[tielan]

One of the girls said their flight wasn’t until tomorrow and told me to get a taxi and a hotel room.

[sound of tape rewinding sharply]

Soooo, correct me if I'm wrong, but one of the guests in the house told her host (LW) to get out and stay somewhere else so these six inconsiderate girls could continue staying in her house after bitching about her?

Uh. No. Nope. ALL THE NOPE.

Also, the sister needs to learn the difference between defending her kids because they've been wronged vs defending her kids because they shamed themselves before their aunt and their friends and they're humiliated by it.

[cereta]

I think she meant that the girl told the LA to get a taxi and a hotel for the girls. Still pretty fucking brazen, but not quite as bad.

[greenygal]

Either that or the guest was expecting the LW to pay for a hotel room for her, which is still pretty brazen.