Dear Annie: My Friend is Afraid of Dogs, and I Have a Puppy

[cereta]

Dear Annie: I read your column every day, and I'm always amazed by the unusual dilemmas people write to you about. Now I am hoping you have an answer for me. Anyway, we have a dear friend we've known for many years, and she has a problem with dogs of all sizes. She is extremely afraid of them and reacts in an almost childlike manner towards them. It seems to stem from her childhood in Sicily. One time, when she was 5 years old and walking in her neighborhood, a large dog barked at her and charged the fence around its house. It must have scared the bejesus out of her.

We recently got a puppy, and she doesn't want to be around the puppy. She even cringes at photos of the puppy. Is there anything that can be done to help her without losing her friendship? -- Dog Lover

Dear Dog Lover: You have to take puppy steps with your friend. Each time she comes over to your house, make sure your puppy's just had a nice long walk, and put your puppy on a leash. Ask your pooch to go into a sitting position so that she can pet the puppy calmly. The first time, she may pet your puppy only once or not at all. But if she sees -- through repeated exposure -- that your dog is not the dog that terrified her when she was 5, she may be able to reprogram her fear. If she really can't even try and be around a small puppy, she should seek professional help.

Comments

[cereta]

This letter utter, utterly perplexes me. My friend is terrified of dogs, and I have a puppy. However can this friendship be saved? Oh, I dunno, by getting together at her place or at places you don't bring your dog to, which should be very nearly everywhere that isn't your home, the sidewalks in your neighborhood, or a park?* How is this even a question, let alone a hard one? Man, wacky cat ladies have nothing on some(SOME!)dog owners.

And for the love of God, do not do DYI exposure therapy. IF your friend wants to work on her phobia, she should do so with a pro.

*Yes, I know: there are dog-friendly workplaces and restaurants etc. You get what I mean.

[jadelennox]

This letter makes me want to report Annie to someone, for practice pop psychology without a license. This is appalling.

[minoanmiss]

Did the friend ASK for amateur exposure therapy? WHAT IS THIS MALARKEY.

[cereta]

But minoamiss, how can she still be friends with this woman if the woman doesn't learn to love the puppy and want to be around it at all times?

[minoanmiss]

That's right, I forgot, ALL GOOD AND DECENT PEOPLE LOVE DOGS COMPLETELY UNCONDITIONALLY. Only EVILDOERS don't want to be around dogs AT ALL TIMES.

JFC, I know what you mean. I have a couple of otherwise lovely friends who just don't get that not everyone wants to be arund dogs .

[jadelennox]

YES THIS.

[sathari]

N'thing everyone. What the flippity flip is it with the idea of amateur exposure therapy as a delightful wonderful helpful thing. (This was a few years ago, but I ran into something about at least one person using this whole malarkey as a reason to object to trigger warnings--- as if being randomly exposed to the subject of a phobia or traumatic experience is exactly the same as being systematically and incrementally exposed to same in the company and with the assistance of a trained professional!)

[lilysea]

at least one person using this whole malarkey as a reason to object to trigger warnings--- as if being randomly exposed to the subject of a phobia or traumatic experience is exactly the same as being systematically and incrementally exposed to same in the company and with the assistance of a trained professional!

*hulksmash*

[minoanmiss]

Is aw more than one idiot say that about trigger warnings, and I always wanted to reach through the computer and shake them.

[tielan]

What's that old saw? "Love me, love my dog"?

It feels pretty much like one of those parents who insists that their childfree friends must interact with and love their kids, and that there can be no time together without the kids being involved or else they're not really friends.

[kiezh]

She cringes at photos of the puppy. Why is she seeing photos of the puppy. Are you showing her pictures of the puppy over her protests, LW? Why the fuck are you deliberately and repeatedly shoving the object of her phobia in her face and blaming her for the resulting distress? (EXPOSURE THERAPY INVOLVES *CONSENT*! She explicitly did not consent to being exposed to your puppy!)

I don't think this friendship is salvageable, but not because of the dog phobia. Because LW is an asshole with no empathy and no respect for boundaries. I hope the phobic friend ditches them and finds better people to hang out with. (People who may or may not have dogs! The dog is not actually the problem. As other commenters pointed out, it is perfectly possible to hang out with a friend without their pets present.)

[eleanorjane]

Thiiiiiiis.

[conuly]

Or you could just stop forcing your puppy on your friend. What the heck kind of friend are you?

[eleanorjane]

My script for the friend:

"I need you to respect that I do not wish to be around dogs. It would be valid even if I just didn't like them, but I have a legitimate phobia and I refuse to expose myself to that just because you think your excitement about your new thing is more important than my mental health."

My script for the LW:

"You're right. I was being a jerk. I'm sorry. I would like to continue hanging out with you in places where my puppy is not, if you can forgive my temporary descent into assholery."

My script for Annie:

"I am a hack. I resign."

[wordweaverlynn]

These are perfect.