Ask E. Jean: How Should I Pay Back My In-Laws?

[lilysea]

Dear E. Jean: My new husband's family is loaded; mine is solid middle class. He and I took great pride in planning and paying for our own small wedding and saved up for a very budget-minded honeymoon to Rome. On our wedding day his parents gave us a card that said, "A little bird told us you could use some help with your honeymoon." The card contained a check for $10,000! Although we knew we should have saved it, we blew every cent of it on an upgrade at a fancy hotel and swanky dinners and had the time of our lives. When we returned, the first thing I did was call his mother and thank her again for the wonderful gift. Imagine my shock when she said, "You're welcome, dear. Take all the time you need in paying us back." What the?!? It was a gift, not a loan! My husband and I live paycheck to paycheck. I have no idea how to handle this, and my husband doesn't want to confront his parents. Eeeek! —Blushing and Bewildered Bride

DANG!: As I always say, your family will bilk you before anyone else. Send your idiots-in-law a handwritten note of glorious gratitude for the "grand trip," etc., in mushy-mushy detail. Conclude with a list of why you love them. The last item on the list should be their "gift of a heavenly honeymoon." Both you and your husband sign it. Add a P.S.: "Mom mentioned the word 'loan' on the phone. Of course, we'd never have spent a penny if we'd known, but we will be happy to pay it back at $5 a month."

Comments

[rosefox]

That PS is going to backfire. The sweet letter thanking them again for the gift is all that's needed. If the MIL tries to claim it's a loan, her son should be in charge of saying that loans require agreements for repayment, and no such agreement was requested or made.

[misbegotten]

+1

[redbird]

Sweet letter thanking them, without the P.S., yes, and if she says anything about it later, be prepared to say "oh, you're so funny! Who ever heard of repaying wedding gifts?"

I'd agree that there's no need to confront LW's in-laws—a thank you note is not a confrontation—but this is fair warning. If she invites them for anything more than a cup of coffee or a walk in the park, it's time to say "that sounds nice, but you know Chez Fancy isn't in our budget" and see if that was a one-time oddity or her way of saying that nothing henceforth will be a gift.

This might also be a good time to check quietly with any siblings, aunts, uncles, or cousins, but her husband would be the one to do that. Something like "Did you know Mom and Dad gave us money at the wedding so we could have a fancier honeymoon than we'd originally planned? We had a wonderful time, and when we came back and I thanked Mom, she said something weird about paying her back. Is that her usual sense of humor?" Because if that is how she normally does things, or part of how they've stayed "loaded," other people might know.

[cereta]

Yes, exactly. Hubby may not want to confront his parents, but LW should very firmly direct any discussions to him, and tell him she intends to do so. Besides the immediate issue, there's a greater precedent being set: DO NOT allow him to put the task of dealing with his parents off on you. Nothing good comes from that.

[xenacryst]

Good point - it is vaguely possible, given what's in the letter, that this was MIL's (really bad, in poor taste) joke - "paying her back" could mean being friendly to them for the N remaining years of their life. But as with all inside humor, it has a dangerous tendency to fall a little flat when presented to those outside. (Though, honestly, if that is what's going on here, then LW's husband would probably have caught that and be telling her about it rather than being unwilling to confront.)

[jadelennox]

Co-signed. Everything but the PS is the right way to go about things.