agonyaunt | (no subject)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I've recently gone sober for health reasons, and it wasn't an easy decision, especially because my social life has always involved going out for drinks, celebrating with cocktails and bonding over happy hour. When my friends and I went out last weekend, they were pressuring me to drink. I ordered a mocktail, and almost immediately, my friends started to laugh and said that it would be fine to just have one drink. This surprised me because I never thought that my friends would try to force me to do something that would actively have a negative effect on my health. It made me feel unsupported and, frankly, disrespected. At the same time, I don't want to lose my friendships or isolate myself socially just because I'm choosing not to drink. Now I'm anxious about future outings. I don't want every dinner or celebration to turn into a debate about my personal choices. How should I talk to my friends about setting boundaries without making things awkward? -- Sober

DEAR SOBER: You may want to speak to each friend individually so that you can have a whole conversation. Remind them that you have a health concern that precludes you from drinking, but it does not mean you can't hang out with them. Point out that this lifestyle change isn't easy for you, and you would appreciate their support rather than their ridicule. Know that sober living is a popular choice these days, and fancy mocktails are trending. Have fun with your drink choices rather than hiding them. Your attitude may convince others to try what you're sipping.

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Harriette's advice isn't terrible, but I honestly don't know if these friends are worth individual conversations... and given that the problem is their own insecurities, I don't even know if that'd help.

The thing is, there are two reasons for LW's friends to be insecure like this. The first is that they're young and childish and haven't yet learned that other people's decisions have nothing to do with them. That's something they will hopefully outgrow with time, but it's not LW's job to drag them to maturity.

The second is that they are problem drinkers, and LW can't fix that for them.

Either way, my advice is the same: stop going to boozing places with these friends. Hang out at the coffee shop instead of the bar, change the location and the expected behavior will change with it.

If these friends are just immature, this change shouldn't be that big a deal. If it *is*, and they are unwilling to hang out with LW unless everybody is tipsy... or tanked, then LW really needs to find better friends.

My socializing changed drastically when I quit drinking more than a decade ago, and some friends stayed and some faded away. C'est la vie.

Your answer is so much better than the published one.

Everybody's advice is better than Harriette's, but at least this time her advice isn't the fucking worst.

I gather that many people in recovery from alcohol addiction have trouble hanging out in bars. It's usually presented as a problem with temptation (that might fade as one has been in recovery for a long time), but I think part of it might just be the social expectations of drinking and the pushy people who try to enforce those expectations.

I sympathize with LW's fear that not drinking will cost them friendships and lead to social isolation, and inviting your drinking buddies to a coffee shop might look like a path to social isolation. (Still, there's always value in trying! Because LW might have lost track of the fact that some socialization happens without alcohol. Back in the 90s I spent a few years doing most of my socializing with people in active recovery from alcoholism and at bdsm parties that were alcohol-free because they were hyper-aware of consent.)

There's a possibility that LW felt so self-conscious about making this health decision to stop drinking, and didn't tell their friends explicitly they were quitting. In many communities, there's a difference between pushing against "No thanks, I'd like a mocktail tonight," and "I decided I will never drink again and this is very important to me." I am cautious about boundaries, so I would not push against either. But there are people who would push against the first but not the second.

Sadly IME there are also people who would push back against the second and not the first. If you'd like a mocktail tonight, they can come up with reasons why they too might choose not to drink for one night, or not to drink for this drink. But if you're making a new life choice and it might (inadvertently) nudge them to examine their own...and they're not ready to...well. Also there are people who want to re-litigate your reasoning if they find that it's a life choice, whereas "I feel like this blueberry allspice thing even though it doesn't have rum or in fact any spirits in it" is harder to argue.

So IME there's not really a way you can present this and guarantee yourself not get pushback, it just depends on the people you're talking to.